This is what it is

12 weeks and all is well

2011-10-28T05:51:00.003+11:00

One very healthy baby growing inside me. No chromosomal abnormalities showing in any of the tests, and my risk of Downs Syndrome is 1:1210 - much better than my age risk of 1:128.

We are both in awe of this life forming. We are so very lucky to have had a successful IVF cycle, and so quickly.

We told Grandpa the other night. He said "Well done".

Answers

2011-09-02T18:41:00.005+10:00

We had my blood test today. Then we tried to keep occupied. Husband went to the gym and did some cooking, I ran errands and had a massage. My phone rang while I was in the supermarket.

Positive.

Positive.

Positive.

I'm stunned. And over the moon. And thrilled. Husband is still slightly in shock, but was trying to work out how to explain why he looked so happy if anyone asked him at work. We are both daunted too. We hoped for this result but have been preparing for the opposite.

Positive.

We've got a long way to go, but it's a beginning.

Positive

When do you stop?

2011-08-23T20:01:00.003+10:00

How do you know enough is enough?

I've been asking myself that since June 30th, the date of our first IVF pregnancy test. The negative one. The earth shattering one. The one which shook my world and left me shattered, wailing. I don't know how many times I can go through that. The depth of my reaction surprised me. I'd spent 2 weeks telling myself that it hadn't worked, and I wasn't pregnant, but that little kernel of hope was stronger than I knew, or had let myself believe.

When you have your mandatory pre IVF counselling appointment, when is enough enough is not something you talk about. You talk about what happens with any embryos if one of you dies while you still have some frozen, what do you do if you have finished your family and still have embryos, and the big one, how do you feel about being infertile. For the record, both of us left the decision to the survivor, I went with donate to an infertile couple or research, he went with research or destroy, and for me bereft, for him guilty.

We talked about enough before we started, and were feeling that one cycle was probably enough - use all embryos from the first harvest and leave it at that. We didn't base it on any specific logic, more around the unknown and a combination of money and my age. I don't know if that is right for me now.

I'm not the only person in this relationship. There are 2 of us in this marriage, and decisions like this cannot be made by only one. We are talking about it. The conversation happens at least once a week, and is still very much an exploration of ideas and what ifs. We don't have to decide yet, but it is there. Neither of us wants to close the door on having a family, but is this the only way?

All we can do for now is be the best aunt and uncle we can be to our gorgeous niece and nephew, the best big sister and brother in law to my 8 year old sister, the best surrogate aunt and uncle to other small people in our lives and hope that nature, my body and all the good wishes and prayers we have for us combine to make the current round a success.

Most importantly, we have each other.

Girding my loins

2011-07-22T21:46:00.002+10:00

So round one didn't work. I wasn't prepared for how emotionally shattered I would be when I got the phone call telling me that I wasn't pregnant. I spent the day in 2 parts, the public robot manager, and the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth hidden.

So now, we wait again. Time for a month off, and then back we go again, to see how we go with the second embryo.

Draining. So emotionally draining. We do a lot of talking. Thank goodness we have that.

Playing God

2011-06-07T19:27:00.002+10:00

Today I've had 2 injections, one blood test, one internal ultrasound, and a bonding session with a speculum. Oddly enough, it was even less fun than it sounds.

Why?

All of this is working towards a Petri dish next week, which will hopefully be the beginning of our family. Samples from both of us, and the doctor using a needle to inject them together.

We are blessed to live in a time where we have these medical options, and I am thankful that we don't have to live through the agonising months of trying, never knowing why we are not successful.

At the same time I wonder, how does it feel to be that doctor? How does it feel to know that with every probe of the needle you are creating something which has the potential to be a life with all the possibilities that entails?

Soup

2010-04-06T19:19:00.002+10:00

I got a text from one of my friends yesterday asking me to make some soup. Just simple vegetable soup for her sick boyfriend until they can work out what is wrong with his stomach.

I loved being able to help her out, and especially enjoyed being able to do something concrete. The simple physical actions of peeling and chopping the potatoes and carrots, picking and slicing the beans and then putting it in the pot with some vegetable stock, pasta and water was very satisfying. Stirring the soup gave my afternoon a soothing routine and smelling the soup throughout the house just made me happy.

There is something I've always loved about the community of cooking and eating together. Now I've learnt about the community of preparing food for others, and not needing to be there to eat with them. I didn't need to be there to watch him eat it, I'm happy that he managed to keep it down and it didn't add to his pain.

Home

2010-02-16T19:20:00.005+11:00

I've been mostly home for the last couple of weeks after I had my tonsils taken out (yes, ouch!) 2 weeks ago. I'm going back to work tomorrow, but wanted to wander around the garden I've enjoyed looking at during my recuperation.

Out the back door. This sold the house to me more than anything else. We've just painted it red and redone the white. It is my favourite part of the house to sit in and talk to friends, or just enjoy a coffee and the paper. Or a barbecue cooked by my gorgeous husband. The mint smell is just divine.

We gave most of the family 5 chili plants in a pot as part of their Christmas present, and kept 5 for ourselves. I can't wait to start cooking with these.

This hibiscus just keeps on giving - my poor husband has had to cut it back 4 times since we moved in here. It smells gorgeous, the birds love it and the flowers are sooooo pretty.

The plants in this bed mostly come from old rental places I lived in. Mum snaffled cuttings of everything I liked and kept them growing in pots at her house. Now they are settling into our house.

I can't wait for these trees to begin fruiting. One of them is a double grafted lemon/lime tree, and the other is a lemon tree we were given for a wedding present. They were both so tiny when we planted them, but they are growing well.

Our first vegie patch. It went absolutely crazy. so far we've enjoyed rhubarb, brocoli, silver beet, and tomatoes. Next year we plant different things there and move to the next patch we are planning at the moment. The rhurbarb came from my father in law.

The fence is falling down, but we thought we'd get a summer of beans out of it first before we replace it in autumn. We are snap freezing them as we pick them to keep us well supplied.

A little peek over the fence - no wonder we are such a popular place to visit for all the kids in our world. And yes, the new fence will have a gate.

It wouldn't smell like home to me without jasmine. Lots of room there for another compost bin and more vegie patches.

The plants in this bed all came from my Mum's house. Just before she moved from my childhood home we spent an afternoon raiding her garden and about 85% of our cuttings have taken.

George thinks he is lord and master of this house - so I had to include him.

More fruits of the garden - picked today. They are exploding with flavour - I just wish they didn't hurt my throat still. Give me a few more days.

That lovely husband of mine has done more than 95% of the work in the garden. I enjoy it, give my opinion and pull out the thistles. When I do the washing, I do the watering. We've got a long way to go to get it where we want to, but with the water tank, grey water and buckets in the shower we'll get there eventually. I love that it has so much of our history in it too.

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T22:50:00.004+11:00

Admittedly, a very belated one.

I've been spending some time on Facebook tonight, and I noticed that so many people have been commenting on what a terrible 2009 it was, and how they hoped it would be better in 2010.

I didn't notice. I had a pretty good 2009, and so did most of my family.

I married my very gorgeous husband 6 months ago tomorrow. I have had the privilege of meeting my very first nephew, and watching his first Christmas, and the joy that he has brought my brother and sister in law. Not to mention my parents, who are both besotted with their first grandchild. My mother retired from work, and finally acheived her dream of selling the house that she bought with my father and starting afresh. My smallest sister started school, and is loving every second of it - socially and intellectually. Did I mention marrying my gorgeous husband? My other brother didn't die in his nasty car accident the week before our wedding. I am so thankful for that. My cousins, my childhood partners in crime that I hadn't seen for 20 odd years are both back in my life. It feels like a hole in my heart has been plugged. I was there when my grandfather met 4 of his great grand children for the first time. My other sister has moved to Vietnam to teach for 2 years. I miss her like crazy, and Skype just isn't enough, but she will be home to visit in one month and 10 days. Yes, I'm counting. My stepfather has contributed to an exhibit at our Immigration Museum. I was so proud when I saw his name on the list (second!!!) of contributors, and photos.

It hasn't been all roses. My brother could have died. But he didn't. And he managed to escort my sister down the aisle a week later at our wedding. I hope every day that he can get past the drinking. But I have finally accepted that I cannot fix it - he must when he is ready. One of my closest friends had a stroke. But he is still alive - and rehab is going well. My mother in law is getting less and less connected with reality - a diagnosis of full blown dementia cannot be far away now. Yet her fantasy land seems to be a very happy place for her. If she is happy, and we can keep the world around her functioning, that will do me for now.

I hope that you see good things on the horizon for 2010, and enjoyed the festive season with your family and friends. Evalinn, your posts are making me hungry - I can only read them over breakfast.

Yes, I do still exist

2009-08-15T21:19:00.003+10:00

I have been horribly slack. I've been slightly distracted by our wedding and honeymoon. Now I'm working on returning to normal life. I'm getting there, but there are days I think I would rather be on a beach in Thailand, or running around at our wedding radiating joy.

Our wedding was truly wonderful. So much of the day didn't go according to plan, but the most important things did. I married my wonderful husband (yes, feel free to count how many times I still say that!) and we were surrounded by people who love us.

It was fun. I lost count of the number of times I was told to stop talking as people wanted to take my photo and my mouth was open. I'm thankful for my good friend who told everyone just to get me on the upswing. I am thankful that my brother survived the car accident a week before the wedding and was able to attend and escort my sister down the aisle. I am amazed that my cousin found the strength to come to the wedding and sat in the pew with her estranged father, and they have been talking since. I am even happier that she bought her entire family for lunch the next day, and my grandfather met some of his great grandchildren for the first time.

I am still laughing at my grandfather asking us for more great grandchildren less than 24 hours after we were married. I am still entertained by my other brother taking his very pregnant wife (due tomorrow!) for a dance and telling me that he was taking his wife and kid out for a spin.

My sister was surrounded by family. I was so glad that she has those memories as she has started teaching in Vietnam for at least 2 years. Looking at the photos in her apartment, I am so proud to see photos from the wedding stuck into her mirror.

Yes, that is me in the photo above. Everyone who has seen it has just laughed at it, and said it was so typically me. I think that is a good one to remove my anonymity with.

The performance review I won't be writing

2009-06-22T21:37:00.003+10:00

You frustrate me.

I wish that you could show a shred of initiative. Initiative does not mean stonewalling or ignoring processes because you don't like them.

Smile. Your face won't crack.

The world isn't so bad. I bet something happened positive this week and you weren't so overworked after all. I know you aren't so overworked. I just took more than half of your workload off you and the person I gave it to is thriving.

There is no shame in asking questions. Ask as many as you need to until you are satisfied. Please for the love of God, ask the questions. The blank looks you give me drive me nuts. Conversation is a 2 way street.

There is no such folder as the too hard basket. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away. Not far anyway. Just to my desk. That doesn't make me happy. I spend more time soothing and apologising than I do solving the problem.

I am trying so hard to encourage you, bolster your confidence and give you the chance to learn. Take those chances.

I have accepted that you are going to plod. I'm lowering my expectations. Maybe then I won't be so frustrated by you.

Please just do your day to day and get it right. Don't then complain that you aren't getting opportunities. Opportunities come to those who go looking for them, not to those who sit there and complain about them.

I need a little vent

2009-05-12T19:50:00.002+10:00

Our wedding is on July 3. In about 48 days.

All of our invitations have been sent out and we are starting to receive some wonderful RSVP's. We made an effort when we did our invitations to make sure that all the adults received separate invitations, even if they lived under the same roof, and that the 5 children we are inviting received their own invitations. I used to hate being lumped into an entity with my brother when we shared a house, and I still remember the excitement of being 6 and getting my own mail. I'm getting a tad irate though - first my father told me that I shouldn't have bothered sending my small sister her own invitation as it was too expensive. Today the best man asked why he was invited, and told us that we should not have bothered to separately invite his children and his parents. Aaaaaargh. Total extra cost was less than $5, and if someone is worth inviting to our wedding, it is worth inviting them properly. I've just been flabbergasted by the rudeness - why on earth must they complain. We could always uninvite them. I guess if this is the worst I have to complain about, life isn't too bad.

On the plus side, the cake is going to be delicious. Raspberry chocolate. Yum. Yum. Yum. We tasted it on Saturday and fell in love with an inanimate object. All our paperwork is done. Our premartial counselling is all booked in. I always said that I wouldn't get married without it, and I'm not.

And my dress is beautiful. I feel so comfortable, and yet like a princess in it.

The countdown is on ...

Home

2009-05-04T21:15:00.004+10:00

I've been really remiss in posting lately, but I seem to have been flat out crazy busy. Since my last post I've run a trivia night, sent off our wedding invitations and had a lovely month settling into our home with my gorgeous man.

It feels like home now. Tonight I was organising dinner for tomorrow night, and it just felt so right that I was standing in our kitchen chopping vegetables for the shepherd's pie. Yesterday we went plant shopping, and I was so excited to get a double grafted lemon and lime tree. I miss my lemon tree from my old house, but I'm very pleased to say that the rosemary has thrived. It is fun planning our weeks and our time together. And our time apart.

I'm sure we have hideous couply moments, but right now, everything is good.

2.30

2009-04-03T21:01:00.001+11:00

Throbbing, constant throbbing. I can feel every blood vessel in my body when my heart beats. I want to tear out the offending part. Destroy the source of pain.

Collapsing in the chair, I look up and beg "Make the pain stop"

"You have an abscess under that tooth. You will need a root canal"

End of an era

2009-03-24T20:47:00.003+11:00

We settled on our new house last Wednesday. We spent the weekend painting and working out the best way to set up the rooms. We move house on Saturday. I have soooooo much packing still to do.

Tonight on my way to the gym my brother stopped me. He said that he has just realised that tomorrow night is his last chance to tease the cat. When I said that he is welcome to visit and tease the cat whenever he likes he told me that it isn't the same.

I'm so excited about the future and our life together, but right now I'm having a little cry.

It has really hit me tonight that I won't be living with my brother anymore. He is my closest sibling. Always has been and always will be. He is 2 years, 9 hours and 11 minutes younger than me. I know that he will always be there for me, but I'm not going to have that daily contact anymore.

I will miss that.

I want him to be happy. He isn't at the moment. I can't make that happen for him. I worry about him.

I will miss him.

*Oh, and teasing the cat - more like spending hours patting him, scratching his belly and talking to him. Definitely not a case for the RSPCA.

Rollercoaster

2009-02-11T20:20:00.002+11:00

I am completely and utterly relieved. My friends and family are all safe. Some property is still in doubt, but the irreplaceable is safe.

I am overwhelmed by the scale of the destruction. Places I have loved are now all gone. Other places I love are still under threat.

I feel a part of my heart breaking when I hear the burnt out ask people not to donate fridges and microwaves. "The thought is nice, but it reminds me I have nowhere to put them". My heart breaks again when I hear an appeal for suits so that people have something to wear to the funerals.

I hope that those who started these fires have enough flames when they burn in hell.

I want to give, and give, and give to this appeal

Your roots are showing

2009-02-02T20:47:00.004+11:00

So, it's been a bit hot here. 113 in the shade kinda hot (yes Jelly, I know, but 45 doesn't look anywhere near as impressive). We've all been suffering severe meltification.

So I'm driving home from work last Wednesday. Revelling in the airconditioning and being thankful for it. Seriously contemplating sleeping in the car, just to stay cool.

Pop. Hissssssssssssssssssssssssss. Temperature gauge went hotter than hell. Steam and fluid everywhere. Luckily I've already put my indicator on, and I nursed it around the corner out of traffic.

Thank goodness for my mum. She lent me her car to get through the saga of tow trucks, service calls and mechanics.

So Friday is hotly hideous. Or hideously hot. One of the two. Meltilicious. I'm finishing up at work on Friday night about 6.45. Yes, I know. But I'd done 3 performance reviews and I wanted to get them all documented. The lights went out. The airconditioning went off. I said a word that my mother would wash my mouth out with soap for using.

Did I mention I work on the 18th floor now? Possibly not the best day to be wearing heels. Walking time. Down the 18 floors I trot, regretting all the while that my water bottle had just been picked up in the recycling collection. Down 2 more floors to the second level of the carpark.

No car key.

More mouth washable words. I'm not walking back up those stairs even if security will let me. I really hope Mum has a spare key for her car. Yes, she does. Time to trek 3 blocks to get a tram to Mums. Stupid heels. Not made for standing 45 minutes at the stop, or standing up for the whole hour home.

Made it home. No further incident. 3 hours late.

Saturday morning. Can't find the spare key. I know I put it somewhere safe so I'd know where it was. Frantically running around searching. No joy. My brother goes outside to help. Finds Friday's missing key on the front windscreen under the wiper. Guess I dropped it in the carpark and couldn't see it in the dark. Bother.

Feeling kinda stupid. Wonder if people had the same problem with horses.

2009

2009-01-11T08:30:00.003+11:00

I'm going for simple and relaxed this year.

So far this year I've bought a house and scheduled a wedding.

We settle on our new house in March, and I'm really excited. Originally we were planning on building a new house, and had chosen the house we wanted to build. I would still love to live in that house, but now isn't the time. We started looking at existing houses in early December, and found our new house the Saturday before Christmas. It was the first house that we had looked at that I walked into and felt like I was home. Luckily fiancee felt the same way. We are drowning in real estate paperwork right now but it will pass. Thank goodness we took the time to get our loan preapproved before we started looking. Such a relief.

We are getting married on Friday July 3rd. For a decision we only made a week ago, things are moving really quickly. Our church was a no brainer, although we are still tossing up between 4 ministers. Yesterday we booked our reception venue. My sister and I went out yesterday to look at wedding dresses, not expecting any more than ideas. In the first shop we went to, I tried on a couple of very different dresses. They were both gorgeous but not quite me. I cracked up though, when the sales lady told me to put my arms above my head and dive into the dress. I felt like I was 4 again and mum was trying to get my into clothes. The second shop was amazing. The fitting rooms were the size of my loungeroom and the saleslady gave us carte blanche to run around the shop and choose all the dresses I wanted to try on. Then we lined the walls of the fitting room with dresses and went for it. We learnt just how bad I look in stark white. Ivory for me thank you. So many dresses wore me. I didn't wear them. One dress though, I wore. It was beautiful. I bought it. Ivory, strapless, with a court train which buttons up out of the way. I'll post a photo after the wedding. Getting a little bit excited now.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T15:33:00.002+11:00

I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas. Enjoy the time with your family.

The unfortunate incident of the cat in the night time

2008-12-01T22:09:00.004+11:00

So the crescent moon, Jupiter and Venus are making a smiley face in the night sky. I just wish my camera could take better photos. I tried my best though.

While I was trying my best, his Royal Highness, King George, ruler of this house was getting stroppy. I'm the worst cat mum on the planet if you believe him. Especially at night. First I have the nerve to feed him his fresh cat mince. Then I shut him in to stop him doing battle with the possum population. I'm not at my best when I deal with corpses first thing in the morning. But I digress.

He's been doing his best to get out at night. Suicide by defenestration will be his cause of death. He's been throwing himself against the doors - and it's a miracle none of the glass on our doors and windows has been broken.

So tonight he tried to get his revenge. He managed to shut my front door, even though it was snibbed. Locked out in the dark, with only my camera and the phone to keep me company. Thank goodness I had the phone because I was talking to Mum.

So I ring the doorbell. My brother sleeps in the room next to the front door. The doorbell is right outside his door. I ring the doorbell again. And again. And again. I try the staccato pushing on the bell. It sounds like it has an unfortunate stutter. Or the hiccups. I yell through his open window "please get up and let me in - George just locked me out". Mum has hysterics on the phone. Nothing. Except the dulcet tones of his snoring.

Right about now, shoes would have been a good thing to be wearing. Mum is still hysterical on the phone. Oooh, the mosquitoes are out too. What a fun night.

Thank goodness. Mum still has a key to our house. 15 minutes later she appears, complete with a note and pinwheel scones for my brother.

I think I need ice cream now.

Committment

2008-10-10T23:34:00.001+11:00

"This is getting ridiculous. Will you marry me?"

"What? What on earth did you just say?"

"Now I'm down on one knee, will you marry me?"

"Really? You mean it?"

"I wouldn't ask unless I meant it"

"In that case, yes. Yes, yes, yes"

"I've wanted to ask you all day, but haven't got you alone"

Home again

2008-10-08T22:01:00.002+11:00

It feels very strange to be home. Our holiday was wonderful and we have made some brilliant friends. Back to work tomorrow which I'm really not that enthusiastic about.

In other news ....

Yes in Florence. Ring from Singapore. No wedding date set yet.

Bon voyage

2008-09-05T12:20:00.000+10:00

I'm off - back in October.

It's nearly time

2008-08-30T16:59:00.003+10:00

At 3.30 on Friday afternoon, our flight will take off. I hope.

The boy and I are heading off to Europe for the first time. Our first stop is Ireland, where we will be spending 2 nights in Dublin before heading off on a 3 day tour of the South of Ireland. I'll catch up with one of my friends who lives in Galway while we are there. Then, back to Dublin for one night before heading off to London.

2 nights in London, where we will catch up with my cousins and about 5 friends. Then to Amsterdam where we have 2 nights, and I will catch up with another friend. Then to Berlin, where I will indulge my history walking to my hearts content. And then Prague, where we will catch up with another friend of mine, and 2 days and nights of exploring. And then to Munich, where we managed to be in town for the first day of Oktöberfest - and wasn't the boy happy when I told him that. I can't believe I kept it a secret for 9 months.

Then to Venice for 2 nights, followed by Rome for 2 nights, and then Florence for 2 nights. My sister has given me long shopping lists for Italy, but I think I'd rather soak up the country. And quite probably the coffee. Then we are off to Switzerland for 2 nights, staying up in the Alps. We don't have much snow in Melbourne, and definitely not spectacular mountains, so I'm really looking forward to it. I've spent some time on the website of the hotel we are staying in, and loving the webcams showing the snow. I've packed thermals.

Then to Paris. I don't know where to start in Paris, but I'm really looking forward to it. The Lonely Planet European guidebook is packed, and so is the Paris guidebook. So much to see and do. So much wandering to do.

Then back to London. I suspect I'll be a little tired by now. One more night in London before we start heading home. First stop Singapore. 3 nights to laze by the pool, visit the zoo, have a drink at Raffles and visit Changi. Then home. 2 days, and back to work.

Then I can think about a career change.

Grace

2008-08-24T21:50:00.003+10:00

I'm quite ashamed of myself and the way that I'm feeling right now.

I had a pretty ordinary week at work last week - I was either one or two staff down every day, and we've been fighting some pretty tight deadlines. The worst of these deadlines are as part of a project we have taken on as a favour and every single person involved has been calling me every 5 minutes, or emailing me and then calling before the email gets to me. Driving me crazy. Doing it as part of 13 - 14 hour days without breaks on top of my usual job has just been insane.

By the end of the week I was feeling really tired, very sore, and very resentful. I resented that they didn't appreciate we still had full time jobs to do, as well as organising their project. I was so frustrated that the constant calls from multiple people were giving conflicting requests and information. So very over it.

At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from the mail room. There was a package for me and I had to come and collect it. It was a massive bunch of lilies for me, thanking me for all my hard work.

They are just beautiful flowers, but every time I look at them on the mantelpiece, all I can think about is my frustration and resentment towards the people who sent them to me.

I ashamed of my lack of grace. They have made the effort to send me something beautiful to thank me, and all I am doing is resenting it.

1001 books you must read before you die

2008-08-19T20:47:00.002+10:00

Thanks to Kelly over at MyUtopia who inspired me to post something.

From this list

Books I have read
The Sea - John Banville
The Corrections - Jonathan Frantzen
White Teeth - Zadie Smith
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
Veronika decides to Die - Paulo Coelho
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
Enduring Love - Ian McEwan
Underworld - Don DeLillo
Jack Maggs - Peter Carey
Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis de Bernieres
The Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood
Smilla's Sense of Snow - Peter Hoeg (or as I read it, Miss Smilla's feeling for Snow)
Wild Swans - Jung Chang
Cat's Eye - Margaret Atwood
Oranges are not the only fruit - Jeanette Winterson
The Handmaids Tale - Margaret Atwood
The House of the Spirits - Isabel Allende
The World According to Garp - John Irving
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - John Le Carre
Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep - Philip K Dick
The Spy who came in from the cold - John Le Carre
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
Cider with Rosie - Laurie Lee
Mememto Mori - Muriel Spark
The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
The Talented Mr Ripley - Patricia Highsmith
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Casino Royale - Ian Fleming
The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery (in both French and English!)
The Outsider - Albert Camus (in both French and English)
The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
The Nine Tailors - Dorothy L Sayers
Thank you Jeeves - PG Wodehouse
Murder Must Advertise - Dorothy L Sayers
All Quiet on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque
Lady Chatterley's Lover - DH Lawrence
Tarka the Otter - Henry Williamson
The Murder of Roger Ackroyd - Agatha Christie
The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
Women in Love - DH Lawrence
The Thirty Nine Steps - John Buchan
Sons and Lovers - DH Lawrence
The War of the Worlds - HG Wells
Dracula - Bram Stoker
The Picture of Dorian Grey - Oscar Wilde
Kidnapped - Robert Louis Stevenson
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
Treasure Island - Robert Louis Stevenson
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
Through the Looking Glass, and what Alice found there - Lewis Carroll
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
Ivanhoe - Sir Walter Scott
Emma - Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe
Aesop's Fables - Aesopus

It was really interesting to go through this list. When I got to Lord of the Flies, I felt myself getting really angry and disgusted, feeling the same way I felt when I read it. It isn't often that a book inspires such loathing in me. I remembered the bleakness of The Handmaids Tale, and my disquiet at The Bell Jar. I found myself with a huge smile on my face when I got to To Kill a Mockingbird - a book I reread at least once a year. I remembered the March family, and my continuing love of them as I read the sequels to Little Women. I can still picture in my mind some of the scenes from The World According to Garp - I read it probably halfway through high school and I was fascinated. Horrified, scandalised, but fascinated. Cider with Rosie was such a gentle read, ideal when I was convalescing from my hip surgery. Murder Must Advertise is one of my favourite Dorothy L Sayers books - it holds a special place in my heart and I revisit it at least once a year. The Nine Tailors was the first of her books that I read, and I remember being fascinated by the all the bell information, as well as completely engrossed in the mystery. Jane Eyre was so dark and gothic, but I wanted to know more. Having reread it recently, I got really frustrated with Jane.

Going through this list has been a lovely trip down memory lane for me. So much of my life has involved books, and they have been conduits to emotions and experiences I haven't had.

Which ones have you read?

Musing

2008-07-25T19:08:00.001+10:00

Shall I write today? I don't know what to write. Should I share the secrets that don't appear here? I don't know if I'm ready to expose myself that much. Writing helps, and I feel only half of myself is here. Am I being a fraud? Or am I merely being selective and self protective?

Exhilaration

2008-07-04T20:39:00.001+10:00

My notes are on the lectern. I take a step back. "Don't hang on, it looks desperate" prompts the last piece of my conscious mind.

B-i-i-i-i-i-g breath.

"I've never understood why people study their family history."

"Until now"

I look around the room. They are smiling. I can do this.

"My mum just found out ...."

Terror

2008-06-27T21:49:00.000+10:00

I can't breathe. My mind is blank.

My heart is racing. I feel it thudding against my chest, trying to escape.

My stomach is churning. I think I'm going to throw up.

I frantically gulp oxygen. I need air.

"The next speaker tonight is .... "

I feel hands push against my back.

"Go on, that's you"

Rollercoaster

2008-06-08T22:12:00.003+10:00

Well, it feels like forever and 6 weeks since the last time I posted to the blog. I've been appallingly flat out and slack.

My dad's 60th birthday party was a blast. I had the best time with my cousins. It is so good to have that connection - and scary to see how much genes will out. He was really happy with the music that I put together for him - really enjoyed it. We got a thank you letter from him in the mail on Friday - it really hurt that he signed it Regards. I feel sad that he can't admit to loving us.

My first week of the public speaking course went really well. I've never felt so comfortable standing up in front of complete strangers and speaking. I'm really looking forward to next week.

I'm so worried about my brother. He's had problems with alcohol for a long time, but it seems to be getting worse. I discovered yesterday that wines I've had cellared have gone missing. I'm devastated that he has broken my trust like this, and so worried and frustrated. He is the only one who can change his life. I can't do it for him, but it is breaking my heart to watch him throw his life away on the way to rock bottom.

I've been given a promotion at work. I'm really excited about it, as it gives me the development opportunities I've needed, as well as some challenges to keep my brain happy. That, and getting the chance to learn how to be a good manager.

We've had a pretty big scare with my stepfather's health lately. About 10 days ago I was having dinner with 2 of my best friends when my very drunk and slurry brother called me to tell me that our stepfather was being rushed to hospital with chest pains. Who knew I could get across town in 20 minutes legally. He was admitted into the cardio ward and was going to undergo a lot of tests the next day. I think my highlight was seeing my stepbrother threaten to have him declared mentally incompetent if he kept refusing the angiogram. Luckily he passed the angiogram with flying colours, so now he is running a gamut of other health tests to see what could have caused it. I'm not ready to lose someone I love. That 36 hours scared me. Badly. I've been telling lots of people I love them lately.

Angry eyes

2008-05-16T23:08:00.002+10:00

My skin crawls. I can feel someone watching me. I look up and around, wanting to find out who and why. Dark, glittering eyes, almost black, are staring at me with an intensity I cannot fathom. I smile tentatively, hoping to break the glare. It doesn't work. The glare intensifies. She pushes past me, muttering.

**This actually happened at work today and really freaked me out. I'm still bemused by it. **

New Tricks

2008-05-15T22:17:00.003+10:00

I signed up for a public speaking course today. I'm tired of being scared of standing up and talking to people. I'm actually really looking forward to it now.

First night, June 4.

Lovely day

2008-05-14T20:16:00.002+10:00

I didn't have to go the office today. Instead I spent today doing an intermediate Excel course. I had so much fun. Lots of what we covered I knew bits of, but I learnt so many useful shortcuts and finally understand some of the formulae that have been terrifying me for years. My not so inner geek had a wonderful time. The trainer even said to me at one point in front of the whole group "you are really enjoying this aren't you". Well yes. Loved it.

On the way home I stopped off at the gym and had a fantastic hour and a bit mixing up cardio and weights. I'm not sure if I've blogged about the gym, but I've been going most of this year and loving it. It really is the best destresser and high that I have. Not quite sure why I didn't do it sooner.

When I got home I had 2 letters, and neither of them had windows. Blessed relief! I got my new book from Amazon - The Fug Awards from those funny snarky Fug Girls. Best of all though, I had a letter confirming that my sponsor child in Burma is in the area which was not affected, and to the best of their knowledge is OK. I really hope so.

Don't drink and dream

2008-05-13T22:06:00.002+10:00

I went out for dinner last night. I had 2 glasses of white and 1 of red. Bad move.

I dreamt I was walking down a dirt track between 2 big muddy lakes with a friend from 15 years ago, talking about how our friendship had lapsed and changed. As we were walking, the track had ripples going through it. People were dropping from one lake to the other through the track, walruses were undulating through the track, and we had paused to look at one of the swimmers when a massive, mud coloured croocodile came up through the path and lunged for me. I managed to fend it off with my foot, but it kept coming back. The worst of it was that it was recurring - I had to keep getting up to go to the toilet, and whenever I went back to bed, the crocodile headed for my foot again. Weird. I've never dreamt of crocodiles or walruses before.

Celebrations

2008-05-06T21:40:00.004+10:00

It is a big year for celebrations in my family this year. Both my parents are turning 60, my stepfather is turning 65, my younger sister is turning 25, my youngest sister turned 5 and I'm turning 35 (eeek!!)

The next event is Dad's 60th birthday later this month. To celebrate he is holding an open house followed by a family dinner. I'm actually really looking forward to it now. Lots of our family are travelling interstate and intrastate, and I haven't seen some of them since my grandfather's 80th 4 years ago. Even the ones I last saw in September are cause for celebration.

In the last year or so I've felt that my life is coming full circle in a lot of ways. I seem to have been picking up connections from my past that I've dropped. I think I've been more at peace with myself, and more comfortable facing my fears, and knowing that I'm living up to my expectations, not anyone else's. I'm really looking forward to Dad's birthday party - both my parents will be there, many of their friends from my childhood and so much of my extended family.

Dad called me tonight. He wants me to arrange the music for his birthday. I'm really excited to do it. It is something that I can do which will contribute to the mood of the day, but is so very personal. He has asked for music of the 60's and 70's. It will be the soundtrack of his life, but in so many ways the soundtrack to my childhood too. My mind is whirring with the possibilities.

Calm

2008-05-01T22:42:00.004+10:00

I had a very interesting drive to work yesterday morning after my night of bizarre dreams and futile coin tossing. Tossing coins and then responding with best of three, no, best of five, is not the way to make important decisions.

So, my trip to work too about 40 minutes longer than usual. Taxi drivers were protesting at a major intersection and the flow on effect hit all inbound roads. Sitting in traffic, listening to the radio, I found myself thinking that it would be really good if I had a Blackberry, cos that way I could get ahead of my work day.

Big red stop sign.

I don't want to have a Blackberry. I don't want to have a work laptop to use at home. I want my friends and family to be able to spend time with me. I don't want to end up feeling the way I did by the end of my last job. Those of you who have been around for a while probably remember that. A month after leaving there my mum told me that I was nice again. I don't want to go back to being that person.

I made a lot of people very happy yesterday. Most importantly, I made myself happy. My relationships are more important to me than work. I think I've finally learnt it. I know that I have workaholic tendencies - and I've been trying to shed them for a while. I don't need to have a 6 figure salary. I can support myself, put a little away for a rainy day, regularly support my charities of choice. Money is nice (ok, very nice), but the people in my life are more important.

Oh, and the little piece of professional satisfaction? Within five minutes of leaving my bosses office telling her that I would be staying I'd received a call from the CEO telling me how very happy he was that I was staying and promising to support further development and salary increases, 3 emails from different HR people, and a massive hug from the Sales Manager who was over the moon. I'm feeling very valued and appreciated.

Not very helpful

2008-04-30T06:18:00.003+10:00

My subconscious mind is sacked. All it could give me last night was that the guy I used to work with who is now at the new company was going to ask me to marry him, and George W Bush is going to do an ad for a new small Nissan using the song Flathead by The Fratellis.

Not very helpful at all. Confused? Yes.

Introduction

2008-04-29T21:03:00.000+10:00

Rock, meet hard place. I'm sorry I'm between you keeping you separated.

So, my work has been coming back with counter offers. Mainly around development rather than money at this stage. They are more interested in getting the development right for me, and ensuring that I'm happy and challenged and then working on the money. I must admit that I do like that approach. They have also asked me for a list of everything that I want in terms of remuneration so that we can work through it. They have also been flying senior management down from Sydney to talk to me about staying.

Today I had coffee with the MD of the company that really wants me. I put all my cards on the table. I told him that I needed to work through the options that I am being presented at my current employer so that I can walk away without any regrets. I need it to be right for me so I don't turn around in three months and say "I wish ... " So I got an email from him this evening. They have increased their salary offer by $10k per year, added in a laptop, CBD carpark and home high speed internet access. No fries though. My brother suggested that I get a playstation for him as well.

By this time tomorrow night the decision will be made. I suspect I will come down to the coin flip. Heads I stay, tails I go. My reaction when I see the coin will tell me everything I need to know.

Lest we forget

2008-04-25T21:56:00.001+10:00

Shadowy figures walk through the dawn's half light. Shapes without distinctive features. Medals jingle in the silence. The scent of rosemary hangs in the air. Clouds of breath form as murmurs travel through the stillness. A hush falls. Small white paper crosses dot the grass. From above, the lone piper starts playing.

Lest we forget.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them

2008-04-23T21:55:00.005+10:00

We have a long weekend this weekend. Anzac Day is one of my favourite public holidays. I think it is because it is a day honouring people.

Friday morning I'll be going to a local Dawn Service - with my Dad, my boy, my brother and sister in law, my sister and hopefully my other brother. I think the Dawn Service is a lovely way to commemorate the day. We stand in the morning cold, surrounded by the mist. The only colour is the frost or dew on the grass and the flame. The hushed reverence of murmured voices, the poignance of the Last Post.

The saga continues

2008-04-22T21:45:00.003+10:00

So, I got to have my chat with the State Director today. It was really positive with her listening to what I had to say. It was good to have hear repeat everything back to make sure she was clear. Apparently I can expect a formal counter offer tomorrow. I also get to have a chat with the Victorian Sales Director tomorrow - he has some insight that he wants to share with me. He also wants to buy me coffee, and that buys a whole lotta listening. If he pouts or pulls puppy dog eyes on me again though, I'm outta there. Then I get to have a conference call with Sydney and 2 more managers there. That should be fun. Apparently HR want to have a chat with me too. Who knew it took this many people to try to keep me. I'm waiting for the partridge in the pear tree to be pulled out. That or the kitchen sink. Just one day of the process at a time. My official resignation date still sits as yesterday.

Jelly, no such thing as unsolicited advice - especially when I'm blogging it. I really appreciate everyones comments on this. It really does help to see things from a different perspective.

Take this job ...

2008-04-21T22:05:00.004+10:00

I resigned today. It didn't go so well. My boss refused to accept my resignation, told me that me leaving was unthinkable and asked me what she needs to do to keep me. I talked her through my pro and con spreadsheet, and we are having a meeting again tomorrow to go through it. She is planning a counter offer.

It is important to me that we go through this process all the way - I want to leave on good terms, and the negotiation process is important. I can learn more too. If nothing else, the next person in my job will benefit. Look at me, all community minded. The part I'm most proud of is that the discussions aren't around money. Everything we have said is related to development, career progression and learning.

I don't think I've ever heard the word unthinkable so many times in 15 minutes. I felt like I'd kicked a puppy.

Guilt, isn't it fun.

Tomorrow is another day. Scarlett O'Hara I'm not.

List this

2008-04-20T20:14:00.000+10:00

I took this from evalinn

I am: loving the cooler weather, with the leaves turning
I am not: loving cold feet in the middle of the night and the morning
I like: people
I don't like: people
I want: the cat to stop eying off my pumpkin, chili and sour cream soup.
I don't want: to stop learning and growing
I have: a lot of people who love me
I don't have: enough self belief
I know: that I am not perfect
I don't know: everything

I've just reread this - I sound like a reality TV contestant - eek!

If it's Sunday, I must have a dilemma

2008-04-20T10:13:00.003+10:00

I've been offered a job. A very good job. A job that would give me a lot of very nice benefits as well as good mental challenges. Being the uber geek that I am, I've spent a lot of time with a spreadsheet listing the pros and cons of each company. I'm pretty confident that I've made my decision, but thought it wouldn't hurt to list them here too.

Company A
Pros
The team
A lot to learn from Sales Director and Group Sales Manager
Leave for September/October already approved
Close to public transport
Able to be flexible when necessary for appointments

Cons
Hate the way that I am feeling at work - seem to be constantly angry, frustrated, bitchy and cynical
Don't feel like I'm doing my job - always seem to be supporting systems, not doing what I'm paid for.
To grow in my career with the company means moving to Sydney
Very little support from Sydney - I have had a new manager in Sydney since the beginning of January and still have yet to meet him.

Company B
Pros
New challenges
Mentored into a management role by August
The team
Going back to more of a start up feel - have more input into systems and processes
Working with a legend in my industry (who I really like as a person)
My September/October leave will be honoured (and paid)
Close to public transport
Career Development without moving to Sydney
International support to deal with work when needed without staying back
Additional resources
Team has international experience - a lot of different things to learn

Cons
Have to establish myself in a new company
What if I suck as a manager?
How much extra will I be expected to do with a crackberry, or is it just for emergencies within specific times?
Not sure just how much flexibility I will have - a crackberry should do it though

So, what do you think? I haven't listed any salary or benefit options - I'm reasonably confident that my current employer will do anything they can salary wise to keep me, so I'm not factoring that in at all.

Going nowhere

2008-04-19T14:08:00.000+10:00

Legs pumping up and down in time with the beat. I can feel the power in my legs. The song changes, and my legs move faster. It's one of my favourites and I sing along silently. No one around me needs to hear singing. My legs keep working. Beep. Time to get off the bike.

I'm back

2008-04-15T22:11:00.005+10:00

Well, that was a lovely unplanned blogholiday. Thanks to my ISP for their outstanding incompetent boobery. I think I might need a new phrase, but that one sums them up way too well.

So while I was away, what's been happening? I learnt that I don't control everything around me. Pretty scary. I like controlling everything around me, but I've learnt I can't.

Know what else - I like me. I'm not sure where it has come from, but all of a sudden, I like who I am. I don't know if I've ever been able to say that before in my 30 odd years, but I can, and I mean it. I've noticed that I've changed the way that I walk, and I'm not waiting for anyone else anymore. I can take on the world, and if I need to, I can win. I'm not alone if I need help either.

I can honestly say that I'm happy. And I like it.

Darkness

2008-03-30T00:05:00.000+11:00

Standing on top of the hill, watching the city lights twinkle below.

One by one, the lights start to disappear. Giant patches of dark spread out below me.

The lone patches of light are dwarfed by the darkness, and only emphasise the nothingness.

Shadows appear around me. Voices are hushed, awed by the velvet night.

**It's been ages, and it's a day late, but I got there.**

Secrets

2008-03-24T18:29:00.002+11:00

More of my grandfathers life is coming to light.

Apparently his first wife divorced him when my mother was 10. We don't know if my grandmother knew that she was married to a bigamist. All my mother knows is that her mother had a big 50th birthday party that year.

So many secrets that have been buried with his death more than 30 years ago.

I'm fascinated, yet saddened by it.

Relief

2008-03-21T19:55:00.003+11:00

He came home.

I was locking up the house last night and turning off lights when I heard a strange noise at the front door. I opened it to have a look and there is was.

Very skinny, very dirty and with a very rusty sounding meow. When I patted him, I could feel his spine through his fur, and all his body fat has gone. The poor thing was starving.

He has eaten several meals and has been OK, but we are going to the vet tomorrow to have him checked out. He is due for his vaccination too so I'll have that done at the same time.

My brother was the funniest. I knocked on his door for about 20 minutes last night, and all I got out of him was that yeah, yeah, George is home, but I'm asleep. I'm so glad I got to see his face this morning when he saw George for the first time - he was so happy.

I'm so relieved. I really missed him. He is lying across my chest and stomach as I type this.

Missing

2008-03-12T21:18:00.005+11:00

I got my cat's registration papers in the mail today. Normally that would be a non event, except tonight is the seventh night in a row he hasn't come home.

I miss him terribly. I miss the 15 minutes before my alarm goes off spent cuddling with him. I miss him sitting on my chest when I'm using my laptop, headbutting my chin and purring. I miss him sitting on my feet when I'm watching TV. I miss him ignoring me whenever he sees my boyfriend. I miss him headbutting his food box when I'm trying to feed him. I miss him following me when I go for a walk. I miss watching him sitting on the fence when I get home, waiting for me to open the door. I miss him jumping into my car when I get home and open the door, walking around having a good sniff to see where I've been. I miss the look on his face when it is hot and I rub him down with an ice cube. I miss hearing his purr.

I hate not knowing where he is. I really need to know if he is alive or dead. Whenever I drive, I'm scanning the side of the road looking for him. On the way to work on Tuesday I had to pull over because I saw a bundle of fur squashed onto the road. It wasn't him, but I still lost it for a little while.

I keep thinking I can hear his bell, and I get out of bed and walk around looking for him, or I mute the TV to listen more carefully. I keep hearing bells.

I just want my kitten back.

FFF Challenge

2008-03-08T09:25:00.001+11:00

Light bouncing through the colours, sending coloured fragments onto the windows and around the shop. The colour moves and changes as the light hits it. Red and green, orange and silver, purple and gold, blue and yellow. Everywhere there is glittering jewellery; on the window shelves, on the hanging racks and in the display cases.

From the inside

I wonder if those 2 women are ever going to come in? They are here every day at lunchtime, drinking their juices, pointing at our jewellery. I wonder if they are ever serious, they are always laughing. Maybe I should go out and ask them if they are interested in looking at something more closely.

From the outside

"Everything is so shiny. Oooh, look at that one".

"It's pretty, but if I wore that my earlobes would reach my shoulders. Check out that one". "Oh pretty. My amber is better though".

"I want that one - it would be perfect with my black dress". "No, diamonds would be better".

"Better go back to work"

Authors note: I've been wanting to do a multipart 55 for a while, and my lunchtime window shopping was the best inspiration I had. I wanted to do a descriptive piece, a monologue and a dialogue. Hopefully it worked.

Snippets

2008-03-04T21:21:00.003+11:00

My modem no longer has a drinking problem. It has had a feed of bacon, eggs and hash browns and been to rehab. I'm so pleased. Dial up isn't my friend, unless I"m really desperate.

While I've been away ...

Random men have been adding me as friends on Facebook. I guess it is one way for guys to meet women. On one hand, my ego loves the attention, but on the other hand, I think it is pretty creepy that they are trawling their friends profiles looking for women. I'm keeping my profile very limited, so only my friends can see the contents. And every friend I have I've met in person.

My family just got bigger. All of a sudden my mum is the youngest of 6 instead of the youngest of 3. My grandfather was a conman, with a taste for serial monogamy. His children have now identified 4 different names he used. Mum is very excited. I've lost count of all the excited phone calls and conversations with her. And the emails. My goodness. She is repeating herself a lot in her excitement. My stepfather is excited - he thinks he is going to see what mum will look like in 10 years.

Nothing new on the work front. They want me, but they can't afford me for a few more months. I don't know if I will go then - it will all depend. I might be happy again. Things may not feel as right as they did. They have poached my favourite sales guy though, and he is another good reason to go there.

My boyfriend's work hours have changed. They suck. He is now on the afternoon/evening shift. It is not relationship friendly. On the plus side, I get to have dinner with him on Sunday nights. On the minus side, I'm already noticing that the time we get to talk during the day is reduced. We are going to need to find a way to keep our communication up, because I'm noticing a difference and I don't like it. Any suggestions?

I'm madly working on the questions for the annual fund raiser for my parents church. This will either be the 4th or 5th year that we have done it, and it is really popular. I love doing the trivia nights, and have way too much fun trying to come up with evil questions.

Helpful hint

2008-02-27T19:59:00.002+11:00

Beer and modem's don't mix.

If I'm not online for a while, it is because I don't love dial up.

Fingers crossed I get it sorted soon.

Commute

2008-02-23T14:21:00.000+11:00

Crammed together, hanging onto straps for dear life. I hear the muffled beat through headphones around me. Someone sweats and their deodorant doesn't work. Someone else has had a few too many drinks. Snatches of conversation surround me. Some are between real people. We've reached a station. Commuters flow out the door. I can breathe.

Uncomfortable

2008-02-18T21:02:00.002+11:00

I had a very disquieting experience when I got home tonight. I had been to the supermarket, reversed into the driveway and popped the boot of the car. I talked to my brother through the back window about the shopping, opened the door and had a door to door salesman appear out of nowhere as I got out of the car. He stood there just watching me with his clipboard held up against his chest.

He told me that he was there as a representative of the energy distributor, and that they had received complaints about my current energy supplier charging more than the agreed amount. He then told me my full name, how long I had been with my current energy supplier and who they were. He then told me the rates that I should be paying, and that anything else was too much.

I told him that I wasn't interested, and asked him to leave, but he refused and kept talking. He put his clipboard down and started writing on it. I saw that his shirt said the name of another company. I asked him about it and he said he worked from the company written on his shirt, and he was there at the request of my energy supplier. I asked to see some identification and he said he didn't have any. I knew the name of the company on his shirt - I've had multiple telemarketing calls from them in the past. I've disproved some of the stuff they've told me then too.

I asked him to wait where he was so I could take my shopping inside - some of it was frozen/cold and it was still 32 degrees out (celsius). I hadn't even got past the front hall before he was at the front door wanting me to change electricity company. I dumped the shopping, checked the electricity bill - I just paid it so it was still sitting waiting for me to file it, told him the numbers he was giving me were irrelevant and to go away. He kept talking, and I asked him to leave or I would call the police. He didn't move.

I was really scared, and didn't know if my brother was home as his car wasn't in the driveway or out the front of the house. I've never been so pleased to see a looming 6 foot man in my life. I was less pleased when he told the man to go away, and then said that this is the third time I've had to say it.

I don't like complete strangers knowing that much detail about me, and I certainly don't want to have them staking out my house waiting for my return.

Tomorrow's to do list - call the energy distributor and the energy supplier. Not happy Jan.

Anticipation

2008-02-16T00:17:00.001+11:00

Handwritten envelope, no return address. Looking for hints. Can't read the postmark. Don't know the writing. A common stamp, I have dozens. I hold the thin envelope to the light. White paper. I can't read it. I rip the envelope and unfold the paper. "You have been selected ..." Pfft. I throw it away in disgust.

** I had no idea what I was going to write this week. This was inspired by a random envelope I just spotted on the coffee table. **

Sorry

2008-02-13T20:20:00.002+11:00

Finally!!

No news is ... no news

2008-02-12T18:17:00.000+11:00

I haven't heard anything about the job since Tuesday last week. I got a call on Monday asking for referees to do a reference check and then they would be making an offer. I emailed their contact details through on Tuesday morning and I haven't heard a word since from the headhunter. I've heard from a couple of the other guys who work in the headhunters office, just checking in to see how I'm going, but not from the main recruity guy. It seems quite odd that they chased me, but now nothing. The 2 guys who called me are friends of my brother, and promised him that they would look after me.

The longer it takes, the more ambivalent about it I am.

I haven't cared a huge amount about it over the last few days, as I've been in a lot of pain. With the surgery I had last month, apparently I've overdone it in the last few days and damaged some of the weak muscles in my stomach. I'm back to square one with what I can do until it heals properly. Who really wants clean clothes or a clean house? I got quite a stern telling off from my surgeons office yesterday when I called to check and see if there was anything else I should do following the GP's diagnosis. All I've done for the last 2 days is sit in a chair or lie on my bed. Bored! I'm so going back to work tomorrow before I go nuts. I don't think I'm quite ready to drive yet though.

Our holiday is getting closer and closer though - on Saturday we went and paid for everything outstanding except our hotels in Dublin and Singapore. Less than 7 months til we go now.

Temptation

2008-02-09T12:18:00.001+11:00

It sits innocently on the table before me, attracting my attention, distracting me from conversation. I can smell it. I want it so badly. Finally I succumb. Slice with the knife. I have the tiniest morsel and the flavour explodes in my mouth. I take another bite, crunching through the cracker into the blue cheese.

It could all end in tears ...

2008-02-07T20:34:00.000+11:00

Well today was a complete piece of poo at work. I walked in and copped a barrage of flak from a salesperson and the day went downhill from there. It was one of those frustrating days where I couldn't spend more than 2 minutes focusing on something without someone appearing at my desk with a question or a demand. Then 2 minutes later they'd be back wanting to know why I hadn't finished the thing they'd asked for 10 minutes ago. Aaargh.

I got so frustrated that when I got asked something this afternoon I pulled one of the managers into a meeting room and burst into tears at him. I told him that I was ready to walk out and not come back. It actually turned into an impromptu meeting where he took 3 pages of notes and we started brainstorming solutions. What started with me being really frustrated with my day and even more frustrated with bursting into tears ended up being really constructive. I think a few bottoms are going to be kicked.

He said that he doesn't want to lose me, and will do pretty much anything to ensure that I stay and I'm happy. I told him that I was hearing from headhunters and that some of the options were very tempting, offering me the chance to spend more time on what I enjoy and less time putting out fires and babysitting adults.

Meanwhile, in the headhunting world, they are checking my references. I've got no idea why they specifically requested me, and now are checking my references. I'm bewildered and still no closer to a decision.

I suspect I'm having some post anaesthetic blues too. I'm sure that doesn't help.

Hmmmm ...

2008-01-30T19:55:00.000+11:00

I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm bored and I'm not very happy. I haven't managed to show up for work on time yet and I'm watching the clock to see if it is time to get out of there yet. That isn't good. It is bad for me, and it is very bad for my employer. I know when I'm around other people like that, it becomes infectious. I walked through the door yesterday morning, and just got so depressed.

I got to work, and immediately had to start putting out fires. I can do it, but there is no challenge. I'm frustrated because these problems arose just after I went on leave, and they've left them for me to fix. When all it takes is one phone call and the problem is fixed, I don't understand why it couldn't be done in my absence. I'm even more frustrated because I was called at home about it, and I told them who to call. Grrrr!

I have 2 choices, I can stay where I am now and know that I will be busy, but my mind won't be challenged. I've learnt all that I can in my current role, and any advancement in this area within the company means I need to move to Sydney. There isn't enough money in the world to make me move to Sydney - I don't want to live there, and the distance from my family, friends and support network isn't worth it. Or, I can keep investigating this head hunter option. They are really keen. Everyone there I have met I do like, and they are talking about options for me in the future. They are building a succession plan and they want me in it. I have been asked to meet with someone else from the company tomorrow to talk further about it. I'm interested. Even if this company doesn't pan out, I think it is time for me to look at other options.

Onwards and upwards. I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. Nothing is keeping me in one path forever.

Sunday Morning

2008-01-26T16:50:00.000+11:00

Drowsing, vaguely aware that the world is moving on without me. I feel the weight of the covers on me but they are comfortable, neither too heavy nor too light. I open my eyes, but there is no reason to keep them that way. I slip back into unconsciousness. I'll get out of bed later.

Ruminating

2008-01-24T22:08:00.000+11:00

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

Guilt

2008-01-22T21:59:00.000+11:00

Aren't the flowers absolutely gorgeous? They were delivered to me this evening from my lovely colleagues, with the message "Hope you're feeling better! We all miss you and can't wait to have you back! Things are definitely less interesting without you! Love from all your peeps"

While I've been recuperating, I've been fielding a lot of calls from headhunters. I think I might suggest to my boss that putting mobile numbers on our business cards makes it very easy for headhunters to find us. One company has been really persistent. They sent me through the position description for the company that asked for me by name (yes, ego is very happy!) and I'm seriously tempted. I met with the person who would be my boss today. She is a legend in our industry and I didn't want to pass that chance up.

The job that they want me for is a step up from my current role, but keeps most of my favourite parts. The salary package is an improvement, and has some pretty good benefits I don't currently have. I'm tempted. Very tempted. This would do wonders for my career. I'd be challenged too, and could learn a lot more.

I don't know though. Am I running away from where I work now without fully resolving my work life balance issues? Will a new job help me change things? Is this the right time in my life to make this change? Do I want to deal with new work challenges now or do I want to really focus on getting myself healthy and balanced? Can I get these opportunities where I am now? Am I going to be putting work ahead of myself again? But I'm starting to get bored at work too. I could almost phone it in some days.

I'm torn. I know I can have the job if I want it. I just don't know if I want it or not.

Dusk

2008-01-18T18:18:00.001+11:00

Bobbing amidst the incoming tide, trying to cool down after another scorcher, watching the horizon cloud over.

Fingers of light curl over the cloud, trying to snatch at the final fragments of the dying day. The pink horizon gradually fades to a soft purple, and then to the muted blue of night.

Day is done.

Home again

2008-01-16T19:05:00.000+11:00

I've made it home again. I feel as if I've been living in another land, where time travels slowly but the outside world continues at normal pace. I don't really believe it is only Wednesday.

My surgery went well, even though I made my best effort to sabotage it. My arms are covered with various holes and bruises from my various drips, with the bruising made worse by me pulling things out in surgery and recovery. I plead unconsciousness as an excuse.

The night of my surgery I was kept in Intensive Care. I felt like such a fraud. My body was sore and my blood pressure was a bit low, but I was coherent and capable of walking and taking care of my basic needs.

It is a strange feeling being the healthiest person on a ward of very sick people. At night, I could hear every conversation that the staff had, including the Nurse Unit Manager arranging a funeral home to pick up someone who had died that day, the hospital gossip without which no hospital is complete, the soothing of fractious patients, and the beeping of the myriad machines.

I'm glad to be home. I'm gladder still that I'm not going back to work until the 29th and that I'm going to give my body the time it needs to recover. I'm gladdest about all the messages that I received - from you guys, my colleagues, my friends and most importantly my family - all wishing me the best recovery possible. Thank you.

Offline

2008-01-14T06:22:00.000+11:00

I'm going to be offline for the next few days. I'm heading into hospital this morning for a procedure that should enormously improve my quality of life. Of course, the downside is that I won't have internet access :) Oh poor me.

Take care of yourselves, and I'll catch up with you all when I'm home.

Vicious Circle

2008-01-12T07:25:00.000+11:00

"Hic" my whole body shakes. That was loud.

"Hic" another one, even louder.

"Hic"

The giggling starts at the desk next to me and "Hic" works its way around the room until everyone is laughing.

"It's not 'Hic' funny" I say trying not to laugh but failing.

"Hic" louder through my giggles.

The cycle continues.

Random

2008-01-11T06:42:00.000+11:00

I started using one of my Christmas presents the other day. Orange and poppyseed soap. It smells lovely, and feels gorgeous to use, but there is just one drawback.

The soap is square. And I mean square. With sharp pointy corners. I hate soap with sharp pointy corners. I'm tempted to get a razor blade and cut curves into this soap so that I'm not constantly stabbing myself with square soap.

Am I the only one who feels like this?

Pet Meme

2008-01-06T11:21:00.001+11:00

I read Janie's Doggie Meme and found myself inpsired.

What is an amusing anecdote about a pet friend in your life (past or present)?

We got Mzuzi from the RSPCA. She was one of a litter of 8 Ridgeback/German Shepherd cross pups that had been dumped in a sack by the side of the road. She had the shepherd colouring and the ridge on her back, but must have been the runt of the litter because she never got taller than my mid thigh. We took her for a walk one day, and one of the houses that we needed to pass had 2 concrete lions on either side of the front gate. We got to the lions and she went backwards so fast we didn't know what hit us. She stopped about a metre back, dropped and growled at these lions. Cajoling her to move forward didn't work, and going up to pat the lions caused her to jump around barking until we backed away from them. We could not get her to move past the lions, so we had to cross the road to get her past them. She growled the whole length of the property. Once we got past there she was fine and kept walking happily. About 6 months later we were going to the beach with her in the car, and we were stopped at the traffic lights in front of that house when we heard growling from the back seat, with her nose pressed out the window in the direction of the lions.

What is a gift a pet gave to you when you really needed it?

Mzuzi again. I was in floods of tears after a particularly bad fight with my boyfriend at the time, and she pushed her way into my room and just sat as close as she physically could to me, licking my tears. It is very hard to cry when you are laughing so hard at the dog. I miss her so much.

On a lighter note, my kleptomaniac George has brought me a cap in the middle of summer, a pink baby's blanket, a golf score sheet and way too many other pieces of useless tat.

Share a picture of one or more of your pets - extra points for amusing photos.

His Royal Highness King George

"What? I was hungry, and this guy just dropped in"

Relaxation

2008-01-05T08:48:00.001+11:00

Lying naked, face down, waiting.

Anticipating.

Listening to the sounds outside the room, waiting for the knock on the door.

"Are you ready for me?"

"Yes, come on in"

Gentle hands cover me with a towel.

A bottle opens, and liquid pours. One hand on my back, then two. Kneading, smoothing, working on knots.

Aaaaaah.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T17:52:00.001+11:00

I thought that I would have a look and see how people found my blog last year. Random factoids entertain me, but some of these really entertain me.

16 searchers have found me using the term "random questions"
5 searchers have found me using the term "thisisme". I suspect that some of those may have been me having a mental blank for the URL of my blog
4 searchers have found me with "fridge magnets are bastards"
4 also found me with "perception of swearing", "why do you build me up buttercup" and "anthony morgan - east melbourne"

My favourites though, are the many that pepper the 1 searcher numbers - all the variations on the words to "build me up buttercup", the variations on the lyrics to "Do they know its Christmas" and the variations on the "snakes, why did it have to be snakes" quote. I'm glad to see so many people seem to hate Hewlett Packard as much as I did. I don't love them now, but I'm not that keen on holding the grudge.

I can't answer many of the questions that the search terms raise. If you have any suggestions for answers, I'm sure it will help the next random enquiry.

"Define Sooliamon". I wish. If Neil Diamond ever reads this, I'd love for him to answer that.
"letter to taxi companies about stuff left on the taxi". Try your local taxi company or directorate
"What animal does salami come from?". I don't know, and nor do I know why so many people come here looking for the answer
"can't find any key" - oops, sounds like a Homer Simpson moment, although, technically, this happened twice - only one person used the apostrophe though
"what is love chipmunk" - I don't think I'm rated to answer that one
"small round supple boobs" - ditto
"snakes with coffee" - I know I have random dreams - I didn't know other people searched for them
"excellent rhys muldoon" - well, der!
"what is october" - oooh, pick me, I know the answer to that one! It is the month between September and November
"this is random" - yes, yes it is
"cliff richard stepfather" - I'm not sure - is he one, or has he one?
"jingle bells batman smells robin flew away lyrics" - I love that there is a mind sufficiently twisted to search for this.

Can anyone help these tortured souls?

Playtime

2007-12-28T18:40:00.000+11:00

Shallow pools of water splashing as raindrops hit.

Birds stand on the edge, with their heads cocked, waiting. Splash! The first jump. Water droplets fly upwards, mingling with the rain. Another bird takes the leap. One in, all in. The birds jump from puddle to puddle, splashing each other.

Tomorrow the puddles will be gone.

** I wrote this after rereading an email I sent to a friend. I was describing what was happening in my backyard after the heavy rains we had last week. So I pinched a couple of the sentences and edited them. **

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T22:42:00.000+11:00

It's 10.45 on Christmas Eve, and I've finished wrapping all my presents. I've spent a couple of hours babysitting my small sisters, and now I have the house to myself, my boy and my brother. We are watching Carol's by Candlelight, commenting on how much older so many of the regular participants are looking and drinking too much red wine. Whenever I can I flicked across to the Edinburgh Tattoo - I'm a sucker for pipes and drums.

Tomorrow morning I'll be given breakfast in bed for my birthday, and then my boy will head off for his family Christmas in rural Victoria :( After that my father and small sister will come over to give me my birthday present, and then he will drive my brother and I across to my mothers to spend Christmas. We really are quite civilised these days.

Lunch will be for my birthday, and I've already put in an order for a chilli and garlic calamari salad, followed by marinated lamb and greek salad. Yum, all my favourite flavours. We will all probably collapse for a couple of hours before going outside to play with whatever demented game my mother bought for Christmas this year - somehow I suspect quoits will have another outing! Then, dinner - ham, chicken, salads, salads, beef, followed by pavlova. I think the only reason my stepbrother and sister in law get invited is for her pavlova :)

Have a safe and happy Christmas everyone! How will you be celebrating it?

25 December

2007-12-21T20:08:00.000+11:00

I am in a dim room. I can see vague forms around me, and hear breathing and nervous giggling. I feel the anticipation build. I see a faint glow coming towards me, getting brighter and flickering. I smell recently lit matches. I can hear my family singing; "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you"

****My challenge this week - write everything in the first person, and include as many senses as possible.****

If ... meme

2007-12-19T22:15:00.000+11:00

I stole this meme from Mike. I'm not going to tag anyone for it, but if you want to do it, go for it.

If I were a beginning, I would be ... it was a dark and stormy night

If I were a month, I would be ... May
If I were a time of day, I would be ... 5.47 am. A time with soft light, and not many people.
If I were a planet, I would be ... Neptune

If I were a season, I would be ... Autumn, constantly changing.
If I were a sea animal, I would be ... dugong

If I were a direction, I would be ... forwardly
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be ... dusty. Seriously though, I would be a beanbag. Is that furniture, or just a bag full of beans?
If I were a sin, I would be ... deadly

If I were a liquid, I would be ... viscuous
If I were a scare, I would be ... tactics

If I were a gem, I would be ... unpolished.

If I were a flower/plant, I would be ... a daffodil
If I were a kind of weather, I would be ... tropical
If I were a musical instrument, I would be ... a xylophone

If I were an animal, I would be ...a marsupial
If I were an emotion, I would be ... confusion
If I were a vegetable, I would be ... a pumpkin
If I were a sound, I would be ... echoed
If I were an element, I would be ... Pb

If I were a car, I would be ... a Leyland P76
If I were a song, I would be ... Amazing Grace
If I were a food, I would be ... cheese
If I were a place, I would be ... uninhabited

If I were a material, I would be ... silk
If I were a taste, I would be ... savoury
If I were a scent, I would be ... lingering

If I were a religion, I would be ... Om

If I were a sentence, I would be ... disjointed
If I were a facial expression, I would be ... a smirk
If I were a subject in school, I would be ... 19th century history

If I were a color, I would be ... bright red

If I were a thing, I would be ... a volkswagen

If I were a book, I would be ... much read
If I were an artist, I would be ... obscure
If I were a collection of poems, I would be ... studied in school
If I were a landmass, I would be ... an isthmus

If I were a watch, I would be ... 5 minutes fast
If I were God, I would be ... very surprised
If I were a vowel, I would be ... U.

If I were a consonant, I would be ... M

If I were a theory, I would be... Chaos

If I were a famous person, I would be ... checking my Wikipedia page daily
If I were an item of electronic equipment, I would be ... a CB radio

If I were a sport, I would be ... trugo
If I were a movie, I would be ... directed by Alan Smithee
If I were a cartoon, I would be ... Inspector Gadget
If I were an explorer, I would be ... lost
If I were a scientist, I would be ... Isaac Newton. My kind of scientist sits under a tree and waits for an apple to fall on their head.
If I were a relation, I would be ... an aunt
If I were a river, I would be ... murky

If I were intoxication, I would be ... public

If I were alone, I would be .... still in good company

If I were a question, I would be... unanswered
If I were a habit, I would be... bad
If I were in an atom, I would be ... an electron
If I were you, I would be ... my friend

Steal Away

Writing

2007-12-14T18:15:00.000+11:00

I've been writing posts for the 55 Flash Fiction Friday blog. I find that the discipline of telling my story in 55 words is a real challenge. I haven't had to be that disciplined in my writing since my first year at uni, when we had a weekly assignment of 50 words. One week we would need to write without using adjectives, another week only in the present tense. I'm wondering what challenges I can come up with to try, to keep myself challenged and thinking.

Sisters are doin' it for themselves

2007-12-11T20:09:00.000+11:00

I had fun last night. It was my turn to help out with babysitting my (nearly) five year old sister. There was way more giggling than should be allowed.

We played with the inside ball, and I introduced her to playing tunnelball - possibly not ideal with 2 people, but I didn't hear any complaints. Thank goodness for polished boards.

Arial taught the butterfly to swim, and then the butterfly took Arial for a flight. I followed instructions and took their photo with my phone, and then we had to add clip art. To say she knows exactly what she wants to do is the understatement of the century.

Whenever I babysit I try to do something new and special with her. Last night we put the coins from my purse under a piece of paper and coloured over them wtih her pencils. The look on her face when she saw the numbers and animals appear was priceless. Doing them in colour was fun too - whatever colour I chose, she needed to use shortly afterwards. Luckily her purse had coins that Dad had given her from Singapore, Malaysia and Canada, so we had lots of different patterns and sizes to choose from.

My favourite part though, was her bedtime. Once she had her satiny pink nighty on (did someone say Princess?) it was time to read stories. I read the first Winnie the Pooh book properly, following exactly the words and pictures. I got into big trouble with the second book because I kept adding words to the sentences. When she stopped laughing at me, and telling me off for being silly, I was banished to lie on the floor next to her bed and listen to her read the story for me. I got into more trouble for heckling from the floor. That meant she read the story to me twice.

Last time I babysat, I sat and sang to her after we finished reading. This time, I had to do it again. Christmas songs this time. As all big sisters are required to do, I sang the wrong lyrics to Jingle Bells - "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away etc" Of course, then I had to explain Batman & Robin. Good King Wenceslas went down well, and so did Away in a Manger. I started the 12 Days of Christmas, but had way too many mental blanks for what happened on which day - unfortunately, in my version last night, my true love sent me lots of different chickens. I was okay going backwards from 5 gold rings, but on the way up, I got lots of chickens. Apparently they were a swimming too. If nothing else, she laughed. So did I - I unwound so much.

7 things

2007-11-23T23:08:00.000+11:00

Betty tagged me with this meme ages ago and I've finally got my act together enough to do it.

1. Words are fun. I love playing with words and names. This has been pretty unfortunate for some of my pets, especially my rabbit Hopalong Casserole. I really enjoy stupid punning wars, and find they are a great shortcut to friendship. One of my favourite word games is based on a stupid joke. Q How many surrealists does it take to change a lightglobe? A Fish. The aim of the game is reverse word association. Whatever you say can't be associated with what the previous person said. It isn't easy - just don't do it when you are the driving.

2. I like voting. We have a Federal Election and I have to vote tomorrow. I hate the election campaign itself, and I'm so sick of seeing and hearing politicians ad nauseum, ad infinitum. I'm really excited that I get to walk down to the local tennis club or primary school, get myself ticked off the roll as having voted, get given 2 pieces of paper and a pencil and go and stand in a cardboard box to fill in the papers. I'll number 1 to 6 for the lower house, and then I'll select below the line for the house of review. I love standing in those cardboard boxes. Apparently that's odd.

3. I've always wanted to kiss the Blarney Stone. One thing I've always wondered is; if you already have the gift of the gab and you kiss it, does that mean you talk less? I'll try it September 10 next year, and I'll let you know.

4. I love that the spam folder of my gmail gives me Spam recipes. I can't imagine myself trying any of them in a pink fit, but I love some of the choices - Spam burritos, Spam Confetti Pasta, Spam and Cheese pancakes.

5. I'm a hoarder. I really struggle to throw anything out. What happens if I throw something out and I need it later?

6. I hate changing lightglobes.

7. I'm really scared of losing someone I love. My mum's recent emergency surgery and slow and painful recovery showed me just how scary it can be. It showed me just how much I wanted to say, and how much I can't imagine life without people I love.

If you want to do this meme, go for it. I'm leaving it open for anyone who wants to. Just let me know if you've done it and I'll come and read it.

Observation

2007-11-04T19:39:00.000+11:00

I got a bit pouty at the boy today. Saturday last week I had my hair done and the previous Thursday I'd had a pedicure. He hadn't noticed. His reason?

He touched the corner of my eye, and said "the things I notice are your mind and soul", and then touched my chest and said "and your heart"

How do I stay mad at that?

My name is thisisme, and I'm a workaholic

2007-11-02T20:57:00.000+11:00

I've been reverting to my workaholic habits again. Every day this week I've been sitting at my desk before 8 am, several before 7.30 am. I left work at 6.50 tonight. My earliest finish for the week. I took 20 minutes for lunch today too, so I've been really slack. I took a personal phone call too.

I don't want to turn back into the person I was 15 months ago. I'm tired. Naturally. I'm dreaming about work and getting frustrated. On the plus side, it did solve a problem that has been bugging me for months. I'm snappy. I know I'm doing it, and I hate it, but I think I've forgotten how to stop. My weekends are too short. I'm trying to pack in a whole world of life into the weekend. I think about packing it all in and becoming a checkout chick. All care and no responsibility. I'm not happy right now.

I love my early mornings and late finishes. They are the most productive parts of my day. My day goes downhill about 9 when all the questions start, and really improves about 5. It sounds egotistical, but I know I'm good at my job. I know that I wouldn't have the demands on me if I wasn't. The problem I'm facing now is that I've created a monster. I have ideas and suggestions, so my colleagues use them. I'm so busy helping them to their job, I'm struggling to get mine done.

I need some help here. I'm losing the balance I was starting to build in my life. I was lying in bed last night looking at my day. I got up, I had a shower and washed my hair, had coffee and breakfast while I was online, drove to work, worked, took 10 minutes to grab lunch to eat at my desk, worked, drove home, tried not to strangle my landlord, had a glass of wine, put on a face mask, watched TV and was online (yes, those 4 were concurrent. Multitasking anyone?), and went to bed. Did I make anyone happy? What made me happy (besides my call with the boy on my way home)? Did I add value to anyone's life yesterday? I know I made one of the richest men in the world richer. Wow, that's an achievement.

Help me out here. What helps you find balance? How do you stop work from being all consuming? What makes you happy? What helps you stop the world and take time?

Monday Reflections

2007-10-22T20:53:00.000+10:00

Monday night, and the weekend is long gone.

My mum celebrated the last birthday of her sixth decade. We had a family lunch at the same beachside restaurant that I had my first farewell lunch at last year. We were disappointed that the entertainment wasn't repeated. It was lovely to sit in the sun with the sea breezes, watching the yachts on the bay. After lunch we went back to mum's house to play with her new toy. She was very excited when my stepfather presented her with a game of quoits. Mum decided that we all needed to play by the rules that were included with the game. So we stepped out 9 feet and used a hockey stick to mark a throwing point. We sucked. We all threw about 60 times each, and only one of my brothers, my sister in law and my stepfather managed to get the quoit over the pole. Heck, we sucked big time. We even tried with our eyes closed. I laughed so hard when I was throwing with my eyes closed I didn't get anywhere near the pole. I guess I was the comic relief.

Yesterday I had an invitation to a 4th birthday party. I had to go and get the rest of his present first, so I accidentally bought 4 books* - the glorious Waterhole by Graeme Base for the birthday boy and the rest for me. I'm thoroughly enjoying Fridge Magnets are Bastards right now. I had the privilege of watching my favourite almost four year olds tear the wrapping paper from his stilts and his book, and then practice walking on the stilts. I do enjoy being his honorary aunt.

One of my favourite things about his birthday parties is that I get to catch up with such a varied group of friends. We celebrate and mourn together. Some of these people have been my friends since the 1980's. This weekend we were celebrating an unexpected but very welcome pregnancy. We were also the ears for the end of a 12 year relationship. Politics and religion got a good going over too.

These are the people that ground me. They are the important people in my life. Without them my life would not be as rich. I'm very lucky to have them in my life.

*They just fell into my arms. Really. It was an accident.

Fight night

2007-10-21T20:39:00.000+10:00

Months ago I went and had a sleep study done. It was a very odd experience. As someone who is used to wireless everything, spending the night wired up to (what felt like) thousands of electrodes measuring my all, was very disconcerting. As someone who doesn't sleep well at the best of times, tangling myself up in cables does not improve the quality or quantity of my sleep.

The bottom line is that I sleep really badly. I had to do a couple more studies to ensure that the first one wasn't an aberration. Not fun. I'm lucky to get about an hour of unbroken sleep a night. As an added bonus I stop breathing approximately every 45 seconds. It's overrated. Really. On the plus side though, I have really high levels of oxygen in my blood. Painful bloodtests those ones. My specialist, who I really rate, told me that I was a freak, and that I should be falling asleep combing my hair.

Because of this, I've got a new addition to my bedroom. Unfortunately it isn't anyone from my list. At night I get to put on a very fetching headset, with the quaintly named nasal pillow. All night long this pillow pushes oxygen through my nose, stopping me from stopping breathing. Such fun.

Every night, I have fights with this machine. I haven't made it through one night with the mask staying on my face. I've found it over the other side of the room. I've managed to unplug the machine. I've managed to wrap the tube around my neck. I have no clue that I'm doing any of this until I wake up - usually somewhere between 3 and 4.30 in the morning. I don't think I'm a very nice person for an innocent machine to share a room with.

I'm noticing a difference though. Friday night I fell asleep without the machine, and woke up about 6 am. Yesterday was a complete write off. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep all day. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, and if I'd combed my hair I would have fallen asleep.* I have to keep trying with this machine. I know what it does to me when I don't use it.

Thank goodness it shouldn't be permanent.

*I brushed it, I swear!

Rambling ...

2007-10-15T20:33:00.000+10:00

I can't believe it is Monday evening already. I suspect that is something I have said way too many times already this year. Time just keeps flying.

Mike made my day today. It was lovely to come home from work and have an award from him. Thanks Mike - it was such a lovely surprise. Mike is a blogger I really enjoy reading so the award means a lot.

I'm so relieved that our PM has finally called the Federal Election. For those of you not in Australia, every three years or so we have to elect all of our lower house, and half of our upper house. We don't have fixed terms for politicians, so for the last three months there has been a swirl of rumour, breathless analysis of every movement in the current ruling party and relentless advertising telling us how good the government has been for us. All that is over, and now we have nauseating numbers of ads telling us how good one party is, and how bad the other party is. Next ad, it is reversed. I don't think I help myself though - being a media junkie means that I visit at least 10 news sites each day, I listen to the local public radio at home and when I'm driving, and if there is an ad I notice it. Roll on November 25th.

I had some lovely mail this week. My brother and his very lovely, still very new wife sent me a beautiful thank you card. The effort that they both went to to ensure that it was a personal message was just lovely. (Eeek, too many lovely's, but I hate the word nice) I'm so happy that they appreciated things I did for them, even though I wasn't looking for anything. The same day, we got an invitation to my step brothers wedding. I don't think he has had much say in it - the invitation and the envelope were hot pink! From what he says, he will just show up and do as he is told. I suppose it is a handy survival skill. I don't think I've been to a formal wedding on a week night before, so that will be a new experience. I'm glad I've managed to take the next day off work though. I've even convinced the boy to have a 3 day weekend. I'm really looking forward to it.

The boy and I are planning our next holiday already. We started within a week of coming back from the last one. Neither of us has ever been to Europe, so we are looking at spending a month there next September/October. He is very keen to spend at least half of it doing tours so we don't miss things we want to see. My sister and sister in law are horrified by the idea, but I'm happy to look at different options. Suggestions are always welcome.

My backspace key is having conniptions. It has decided that it wants to sit on a slope and nothing I have managed to do will fix it. Does anyone know how to resettle it? It is a great way to ensure accuracy though.

Why do so many people find my blog by googling "random questions" Why do people google that phrase? If you are one of them, please tell me - I'm bewildered.

My boy is gorgeous. I just wanted to say that :)

Blast from the past

2007-10-07T10:18:00.001+10:00

Yesterday I spent 57 minutes trying to find a car park at one of my local shopping centres. Fun isn't the first word that springs to mind. I didn't get as frustrated as I could have done though, as they had an endless musical loop playing.

For a lot of people, the constant playing of the Urban Cookie Collective's "I've got the key, I've got the secret" would be one of the circles of hell. It catapulted me straight back to the summer of 1993 - 1994 when I lived and breathed cheesy pop music for 3 months. I volunteered at a community radio station during test broadcasts. The whole point of the test broadcast was to prove that the station could meet community needs and had an audience.

Driving around the carpark yesterday, I flashed back to the songs that just didn't stop that summer - Sing Hallelujah, What is love by Haddaway (responsible for one of the worst jokes of all time - What is love? If I haddaway I'd tell you), Dur dur d'étre bébé, Boom Shake the Room, No Rain by Blind Melon, All that She Wants, a remix of Walk this Way, It's alright, Oh what a night, Can we talk, One, I will always love you, End of the Road, This is it (the Ruth Campbell version), Gimme little sign, I've got the key, I've got the secret, the Chipmunks version of Achy Breaky Heart and Agro's version of Ballroom Blitz. Some of those songs I'd still be quite happy never to hear again. I was quite surprised to find myself thinking fondly of a lot of them yesterday though. I'm more stunned to realise how many of them are already on my ipod.

I thought that most of that part of my life was over. I don't expect to find myself back in the adult version of school camp ever again. I don't think my liver could cope with it again. I know my sleep patterns couldn't. I left the group about 18 months later - I couldn't stand the politics, and the constant jockeying for positions. Now, thanks to that song, and Facebook, that part of my life has come back.

I wonder if I can keep the good things, and let the bad things go.

So now what?

2007-10-04T20:37:00.000+10:00

I took this quiz after seeing it over at Mike's. I'm devastated. Apparently I'm "Pure Evil"

How evil are you?

Where on earth am I supposed to go from here? Where is the room to grow and develop? Does this mean I've reached the pinnacle, scaled the dizzy heights? How do I improve on perfection?

Suggestions? (Except for working for AOL - I already work for an evil empire)

6 days, and a whole world

2007-09-29T08:18:00.000+10:00

I got my first letter from my sponsor child yesterday. She is a 4 year old girl. She loves to play dancing and will try to be a good girl. I wonder what her life will be like in future years. Will she reach her goal of becoming a doctor when she grows up? How does she know at 4 that she wants to be a doctor? She lives in Burma (Myanmar), 700 kilometres from the capital city. Is the violence in her country affecting her now?

Last night I babysat my little sister. Sorry, childsat. She isn't a baby anymore. She is 6 days younger than my sponsor child. She loves to play dancing too. Last night she insisted on wearing her Little Mermaid dancing costume to bed.

I look at the contrast between these 2 girls, and I am thankful for my life. My sister does not need to rely on people from another country to help her with her education. We take clean water for granted. We don't need to go to the well for drinking water and we live in a house with more than one room.

We wrote a letter to my sponsor child last night, and my sister drew a picture for her. Apparently we can send flat gifts with the letter. One of the suggestions is stickers. We are going to choose some. My sister loves stickers so she is looking forward to helping me choose.

Back to reality

2007-09-28T16:48:00.000+10:00

I'm back home again. After 12 nights, and 10 days away I'm back home. At the risk of sounding like a real princess, it is heavenly to be back with DSL and not using dial up anymore. I'm also freezing back in Melbourne - who would have thought that Tasmania was warmer. Another myth exploded.

Big things first - my brothers wedding was lovely. My new sister in law looked absolutely beautiful, and the ceremony was very simple. Most of the extended family were very entertained by the 6 or so rabbits hopping around - lots of suggestions of fertility were made. Everytime that we have a big family get together I'm stunned by the resemblance of our family. Looking back at the photo's now, I see groups of people who can't be anything other than related to each other.

The boy and I had a lovely 10 days together. I suspect it can be a test for a relationship to spend that amount of time driving around a strange place, where so many of the roads are what I described as squiggly bits. So many of them had recommended speeds of 15 or 25 kilometres an hour. I've learnt this trip that I really don't like windy, bendy roads, even if travelled slowly. This is a new thing for me - I always loved driving through the Adelaide Hills before they put the straight road in there. Yet I will happily sit on the back of a boat (holding on) when it is on the open sea ploughing through 2 metre waves. The boy gave up trying to understand it.

For the first time ever, we went away without all of our accomodation being prebooked. This is a massive step, especially for the boy, who lives by his schedule. We were lucky though. We managed to get 4 star accomodation in Launceston for 2 nights at a reduced rate in a magnificient historic building, and a 3 bedroom beachfront house on the Freycinet Penisula. Our main accomodation in Hobart sucked big time though. Not sure how you can forget to mention to bookings that you are undergoing major renovations. Won't ever be returning there. Cradle Mountain was magical though. After driving 5 hours with lots of squiggly bits on the roads, and the last 2 hours in the dark with no mobile reception, it was heavenly to arrive somewhere with the open fire ready laid for us, a queen size bed with a great mattress and electric blanket, and an electric heater to take the chill off until the fire kicked in. It was quite funny when we were unloading the car though - we had a possum keep trying to get in the door.

Next morning we had this visitor. He visited us regularly.

Home now, and the last photo that I took was this. Sunrise on the Spirit of Tasmania.

Since I've been gone ...

2007-09-19T20:21:00.000+10:00

I haven't forgotten the blog, I've been writing stuff, I just haven't posted it yet. Today is the first time in 5 days that I've had internet access and it is dial up. Oh, the pain! A very brief pictorial history of my last few days ...

Making me smile

I love the feel of dried salt spray on me

Family gathering?!?

Swim platypus swim

Words fail me

The view from our deck

Sea caves

Dinner!

This view, champagne, freshly shucked oysters, biscuits and cheese

Dolphins!!

I need some suggestions

2007-09-03T21:12:00.000+10:00

As some of you may know, my brother is getting married in less than one month. As a favour to him, I've been putting the music for dinner and dancing at the reception together. We've got the dinner music sorted, but I'm looking for suggestions.

What songs make you get up and dance at parties and at weddings? We've got a very mixed age group, so any suggestions will be gratefully received.

I promise I'll post the final list of songs used for all parts of the night - either before or afterwards.

I couldn't resist ...

2007-09-03T19:26:00.000+10:00

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them!

You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you

You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil

How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

I'm not sure about some of it, but it was fun. Except the evil. I'll admit to that at times.

The big question

2007-08-31T07:11:00.000+10:00

I'm babysitting my four and a half year old half sister tonight. I spoke to my stepmother last night, and apparently they had a battle royale at the supermarket yesterday. Princess 4 insisted on buying cat food just in case I bought my cat over to help babysit her. She was not happy when her mother said no. What will I tell her about why George won't be joining us?

In a broken nest there are few whole eggs

2007-08-28T20:35:00.000+10:00

I'm sitting here looking at a DVD I need to watch. It has been sitting mutely on the coffee table next to the laptop reminding me that I need to watch it. If it had eyes, they would be big, brown puppy dog eyes.

It is very important to my father that I watch it. He hasn't said it in so many words, but he asked me for help to burn it, and I've been getting calls every couple of days from him, checking that I've burnt the DVD for myself OK. I'm not sure how to deal with him being this attentive. I don't think he has been this attentive toward me since I was 5.

He is in his fourth intensive week of PTSD counselling for Vietnam veterans. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday every week, he goes and works with a psychiatrist. From what he has said, I gather it is both group and individual sessions. He says he is enjoying it, and that he is getting a lot out of it. I'm very impressed that he is doing it, but I wonder how many of his issues can really be attributed to Vietnam.

I don't know who this man is. For the last 12 years or so, we have had a very distant relationship. We are very good at the family social events, we give the correct birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day presents. As one of my brothers so elegantly says, he is a great bloke to have a beer with, but you wouldn't want to be related to him. Before that, there was the mind numbing boredom of fortnightly access visits, with trips to the park, his work, or his friends homes, wherever he can find a way to have his access visit but not spend time with his children.

It wasn't always like this. Some of my most treasured photos are of the two of us sitting on top of a slide, of me leaning into my very hungover father next to the fishpond, of me toddling into the waves to pick up a ball and him hovering protectively near me. I remember sitting on a tram with him, going to kinder after we moved to our new house. It was so exciting. I guess the 70's really were a good decade. Somewhere along the line, I became less interesting. For a very long time, I've felt that I am only interesting or noteworthy when I'm involved with something that gets media coverage, or it fits into water cooler conversation. The worst thing is that I've let it continue. I think I've kept seeking out that approval, hoping that things I've done will make it into his "brag book".

I'm struggling to deal with these changes. I just found a way to manage my relationship with Dad, and he has changed the rules on me. I'm scared that if I open myself up to these changes, he will just hurt me again.

Thanks to Mike for the title to this post.

The weekend

2007-08-26T18:19:00.001+10:00

Saturday

Sunday

I can't find the Any Key

2007-08-20T18:49:00.001+10:00

You know you have spent too long using a computer when you write something down, and when you need to write it again, you go looking for CTRL c to copy it. And then you get frustrated because you can't find it.

Spinning around

2007-08-12T21:41:00.000+10:00

I feel like life is spinning faster and faster at the moment. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm struggling to find 5 minutes to myself. I'm being constantly bombarded by people wanting a piece of me, by noise, by committments. The phone rings, another email arrives, my mobile beeps to tell me I've got another message. I'm trying to keep my head above water and stay sane. Today it just feels too hard. I'm not that important or essential. The world will survive if I don't do everything right now.

I need to say NO more often. I need to drive home that when I say NO I mean it.

Addiction

2007-08-05T21:02:00.000+10:00

I think I'm addicted to Facebook. I've been using it for about a month now and I'm having a bit too much fun with it. It has been just a bit much fun adding friends, sending items for gardens, buying my friends fish and drinks, and having way too much fun gossiping about people changing their relationship status.

Who are my friends on Facebook? My boy. My sister. Everyone in my team at work. My boss in Sydney. My friends from my old job. My sisters friends. People from school I haven't seen since my 21st birthday. My work clients. Friends I've lost touch with and haven't seen since they left the country in 1999. The HR consultant who employed me in my current job. Every single person on my list, I've met at least once.

MySpace is sooooo 2006. I keep getting random friend requests from people I've never heard of, and the amount of spam I get on MySpace is absurd. I'm just not interested. If it wasn't the only way I've got to keep in touch with some of my younger cousins, I wouldn't be there at all anymore. I prefer the layout of Facebook, so much cleaner. Nothing on Facebook has made me want to throw the screen out the window from the vile clashing of colours and flashing images.

I'm enjoying reconnecting with people I don't see enough. It has been really fun hearing about people I haven't seen for a very long time, and finding out just what they've been doing with their lives. Some of the choices have really surprised me, and some have done exactly what I thought they would. For me, the best bit is seeing people happy with the choices they have made. That or they are really good actors.

Irrational

2007-07-31T07:09:00.000+10:00

Every time I get into the lift at work I'm convinced that I will drop my security pass and car keys down the gap at the front of the lift. Even when they are both in my handbag, I still have to feel around so that I am holding on to them in case I drop them.

I always scuttle right to the back of the lift, but even so, I can't let go of them until I am safely at my desk or at my car. It probably doesn't help that it is a two lift trip from the carpark to my desk.

Help me feel like I'm not completely nuts - tell me your irrational fears.

The Catch Up

2007-07-29T21:16:00.000+10:00

Sydney was full on. My flight was delayed more than any flight should be delayed. We boarded on time, but then we had mechanical problems. Not really something you want to hear when you have to stay on the plane. On the plus side, I read all but the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on the plane in preparation for Deathly Hallows. We had gorgeous, crisp, sunny days though. Just the way I want to spend the time on the harbour. Most exciting from a professional point of view - I won the award for best sales person in an operational role for the 2006 - 7 financial year. I was thrilled to get it - the decision is made by the state and national managers and the other nominees were all people I really rate. That and I've only been there since November. Nice people to give me a shopping voucher. Time for a freezer and a blender I think. Or books. Or shoes.

It's taken the best part of two weeks to catch up with everybody's blogs. I think I've finally caught up on everything I've missed. My highlight - Millie the dog. Thanks Jelly, you put a massive smile on my face.

We went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It didn't really do it for me. I think it was probably one of the harder books to put on the screen. How do you put all that whiny teenage boy stuff on screen? Still, I think it left way too much important stuff out. C-

Last night we saw The Simpsons movie. It was fun. I'm not sure it deserved the standing ovation it got at the end though. I was very unhappy to see the preview for the movie "The Dark is Rising". I'm not happy about it at all. I think they've completely messed with the premise. I adore those books. I'm furious that they have messed with them. I'm sure I'll have a full rant about it in the fullness of time.

I've been working with my brother and his fiance to put the music together for their wedding in September. We've nearly got all the music together for dinner, and we are just working the dancing part. Way too much fun. They are doing their bridal waltz to Billy Joel's "just the way you are". I'm not sure who was more disturbed though; my brother's fiance when he asked for some Whitesnake, or my brother when I showed him that I had the song he wanted on my ipod.

My gorgeous boy was worried that I wouldn't approve of the suit that he was planning to wear for the wedding. He doesn't wear a suit for work, and might wear a suit about 3 times a year. It turns out he only has the one suit, and he has owned it for 10 years. He is right, I didn't approve of it. He took it quite well, although he said that he was hoping to hear "honey, your suit is fine". So today he suggested that we go and have a look for suits, although he wanted to go to one specific shop to buy it. OK then. So we wandered around a few shops, and in one got some exceptional service. He was measured up, and pointed in the direction of suits that fitted his criteria. He looks damn sexy in his new black, 3 button, single breasted suit, with his new palest lilac shirt, and new diagonally striped tie. No nagging required :)

I bought only one thing today - a 3 DVD set for $19.99 - The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science.

What does this week hold? The Gwen Stefani concert, a screening of Amazing Grace (now I know what happened to Youssou N'Dour), training up my new assistant at work, a family dinner for my lovely stepfathers birthday, finding that last beetle in Virtual Villagers: The Lost Children, setting up the new DVD player for my parents, trying to restrict my Crackbook time.

You can choose your friends ...

2007-07-22T00:07:00.000+10:00

We've been at a trivia night for my sisters school tonight. One of the games was Sit down if. You know, sit down if you were born in an even numbered year, sit down if you've seen an episode of Big Brother this year and so on. The boy and I were sitting down, having been taken out by an episode of Big Brother (me, to my chagrin) and carrying a handkerchief, when the host said "sit down if you've had nookie today". My mother and stepfather were the only people in the room who sat down. My sister turned scarlet. I probably didn't help when I sent her a text telling her to be thankful that we had already been taken out. I'm glad I don't have to be in her staffroom on Monday morning.

Over

2007-07-21T15:52:00.000+10:00

It is over. I've read my last new Harry Potter book. I know that I will read the books again, and I will read and love many other books but I will never read another new Harry Potter book.

I'm happy that I know how it all ends, but I won't spoil it for anyone. I'm sad that there will be no new journeys into the world of Harry. Harry is one of the best justifications I have for lying on the couch on a Saturday, covered with a blanket, reading, while the cat cuddles up to me.

I will miss the anticipation and wondering. The theories that my friends and I have thrown around over the years. I will miss pre-ordering my copy at my local bookshop. I will miss queuing up at 8 on a Saturday morning to be one of the first to get my copy. I will definitely miss the camaraderie of the queue. The wild theories of the eager and impatient. I will miss coming up with the most outrageous theories to entertain the staff at the bookshop. I think I came close with my suggestion "and Harry woke up in his bed, safe and sound. It had all been a lovely, horrible dream"

I think Stephen King said it so well.