Calm

I had a very interesting drive to work yesterday morning after my night of bizarre dreams and futile coin tossing. Tossing coins and then responding with best of three, no, best of five, is not the way to make important decisions.

So, my trip to work too about 40 minutes longer than usual. Taxi drivers were protesting at a major intersection and the flow on effect hit all inbound roads. Sitting in traffic, listening to the radio, I found myself thinking that it would be really good if I had a Blackberry, cos that way I could get ahead of my work day.

Big red stop sign.

I don't want to have a Blackberry. I don't want to have a work laptop to use at home. I want my friends and family to be able to spend time with me. I don't want to end up feeling the way I did by the end of my last job. Those of you who have been around for a while probably remember that. A month after leaving there my mum told me that I was nice again. I don't want to go back to being that person.

I made a lot of people very happy yesterday. Most importantly, I made myself happy. My relationships are more important to me than work. I think I've finally learnt it. I know that I have workaholic tendencies - and I've been trying to shed them for a while. I don't need to have a 6 figure salary. I can support myself, put a little away for a rainy day, regularly support my charities of choice. Money is nice (ok, very nice), but the people in my life are more important.

Oh, and the little piece of professional satisfaction? Within five minutes of leaving my bosses office telling her that I would be staying I'd received a call from the CEO telling me how very happy he was that I was staying and promising to support further development and salary increases, 3 emails from different HR people, and a massive hug from the Sales Manager who was over the moon. I'm feeling very valued and appreciated.

Ruminating

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

Guilt

Aren't the flowers absolutely gorgeous? They were delivered to me this evening from my lovely colleagues, with the message "Hope you're feeling better! We all miss you and can't wait to have you back! Things are definitely less interesting without you! Love from all your peeps"

While I've been recuperating, I've been fielding a lot of calls from headhunters. I think I might suggest to my boss that putting mobile numbers on our business cards makes it very easy for headhunters to find us. One company has been really persistent. They sent me through the position description for the company that asked for me by name (yes, ego is very happy!) and I'm seriously tempted. I met with the person who would be my boss today. She is a legend in our industry and I didn't want to pass that chance up.

The job that they want me for is a step up from my current role, but keeps most of my favourite parts. The salary package is an improvement, and has some pretty good benefits I don't currently have. I'm tempted. Very tempted. This would do wonders for my career. I'd be challenged too, and could learn a lot more.

I don't know though. Am I running away from where I work now without fully resolving my work life balance issues? Will a new job help me change things? Is this the right time in my life to make this change? Do I want to deal with new work challenges now or do I want to really focus on getting myself healthy and balanced? Can I get these opportunities where I am now? Am I going to be putting work ahead of myself again? But I'm starting to get bored at work too. I could almost phone it in some days.

I'm torn. I know I can have the job if I want it. I just don't know if I want it or not.

My name is thisisme, and I'm a workaholic

I've been reverting to my workaholic habits again. Every day this week I've been sitting at my desk before 8 am, several before 7.30 am. I left work at 6.50 tonight. My earliest finish for the week. I took 20 minutes for lunch today too, so I've been really slack. I took a personal phone call too.

I don't want to turn back into the person I was 15 months ago. I'm tired. Naturally. I'm dreaming about work and getting frustrated. On the plus side, it did solve a problem that has been bugging me for months. I'm snappy. I know I'm doing it, and I hate it, but I think I've forgotten how to stop. My weekends are too short. I'm trying to pack in a whole world of life into the weekend. I think about packing it all in and becoming a checkout chick. All care and no responsibility. I'm not happy right now.

I love my early mornings and late finishes. They are the most productive parts of my day. My day goes downhill about 9 when all the questions start, and really improves about 5. It sounds egotistical, but I know I'm good at my job. I know that I wouldn't have the demands on me if I wasn't. The problem I'm facing now is that I've created a monster. I have ideas and suggestions, so my colleagues use them. I'm so busy helping them to their job, I'm struggling to get mine done.

I need some help here. I'm losing the balance I was starting to build in my life. I was lying in bed last night looking at my day. I got up, I had a shower and washed my hair, had coffee and breakfast while I was online, drove to work, worked, took 10 minutes to grab lunch to eat at my desk, worked, drove home, tried not to strangle my landlord, had a glass of wine, put on a face mask, watched TV and was online (yes, those 4 were concurrent. Multitasking anyone?), and went to bed. Did I make anyone happy? What made me happy (besides my call with the boy on my way home)? Did I add value to anyone's life yesterday? I know I made one of the richest men in the world richer. Wow, that's an achievement.

Help me out here. What helps you find balance? How do you stop work from being all consuming? What makes you happy? What helps you stop the world and take time?

Spinning around

I feel like life is spinning faster and faster at the moment. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm struggling to find 5 minutes to myself. I'm being constantly bombarded by people wanting a piece of me, by noise, by committments. The phone rings, another email arrives, my mobile beeps to tell me I've got another message. I'm trying to keep my head above water and stay sane. Today it just feels too hard. I'm not that important or essential. The world will survive if I don't do everything right now.

I need to say NO more often. I need to drive home that when I say NO I mean it.

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid ...

It will be humanly possible to fit everything in on time. Today I'm using the blog as a bit of a to do list - hopefully I'll be able to check back and mark stuff off as done.

There are 15 days until Christmas, 16 days until my brothers birthday, 13 days until my birthday party and 15 days until my birthday.

Between now and then I need to:

Put the BBQ together so that we can eat at my birthday party
Finish writing all of my Christmas cards and post them
Buy stamps to post the cards with
Start Christmas shopping (thank goodness for the internet)
Wrap Christmas presents
Get my car fixed so it doesn't overheat, and have the air conditioning regassed
Go to 2 Christmas BBQ's
Go to one Christmas carol service
Shop for my birthday party
Fly to Sydney for the day for work and a Christmas party
Go to the Kylie Minogue concert
Help Mum plan and prepare Christmas day and shopping for it
Work out what I want for my birthday lunch with the family
Clean the house
Finish reading the books for book club
Book Club Christmas break up
Work full time
Maintain a relationship
Take the cat to the vet for his vaccination

I know I was hoping to get a work/life balance back when I changed jobs, but I think I've gone to the other extreme and over balanced on the life side of things. It is still better than being over focussed on work, and hopefully I'll learn to balance better once I get through December.

I'm excited about Christmas, I just wish I had a few more weeks to fit it all in and prepare. I think I knew I was feeling a bit overwhelmed the other day when I started scheduling naps.