End of an era

We settled on our new house last Wednesday. We spent the weekend painting and working out the best way to set up the rooms. We move house on Saturday. I have soooooo much packing still to do.

Tonight on my way to the gym my brother stopped me. He said that he has just realised that tomorrow night is his last chance to tease the cat. When I said that he is welcome to visit and tease the cat whenever he likes he told me that it isn't the same.

I'm so excited about the future and our life together, but right now I'm having a little cry.

It has really hit me tonight that I won't be living with my brother anymore. He is my closest sibling. Always has been and always will be. He is 2 years, 9 hours and 11 minutes younger than me. I know that he will always be there for me, but I'm not going to have that daily contact anymore.

I will miss that.

I want him to be happy. He isn't at the moment. I can't make that happen for him. I worry about him.

I will miss him.

*Oh, and teasing the cat - more like spending hours patting him, scratching his belly and talking to him. Definitely not a case for the RSPCA.

The saga continues

So, I got to have my chat with the State Director today. It was really positive with her listening to what I had to say. It was good to have hear repeat everything back to make sure she was clear. Apparently I can expect a formal counter offer tomorrow. I also get to have a chat with the Victorian Sales Director tomorrow - he has some insight that he wants to share with me. He also wants to buy me coffee, and that buys a whole lotta listening. If he pouts or pulls puppy dog eyes on me again though, I'm outta there. Then I get to have a conference call with Sydney and 2 more managers there. That should be fun. Apparently HR want to have a chat with me too. Who knew it took this many people to try to keep me. I'm waiting for the partridge in the pear tree to be pulled out. That or the kitchen sink. Just one day of the process at a time. My official resignation date still sits as yesterday.

Jelly, no such thing as unsolicited advice - especially when I'm blogging it. I really appreciate everyones comments on this. It really does help to see things from a different perspective.

Hmmmm ...

I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm bored and I'm not very happy. I haven't managed to show up for work on time yet and I'm watching the clock to see if it is time to get out of there yet. That isn't good. It is bad for me, and it is very bad for my employer. I know when I'm around other people like that, it becomes infectious. I walked through the door yesterday morning, and just got so depressed.

I got to work, and immediately had to start putting out fires. I can do it, but there is no challenge. I'm frustrated because these problems arose just after I went on leave, and they've left them for me to fix. When all it takes is one phone call and the problem is fixed, I don't understand why it couldn't be done in my absence. I'm even more frustrated because I was called at home about it, and I told them who to call. Grrrr!

I have 2 choices, I can stay where I am now and know that I will be busy, but my mind won't be challenged. I've learnt all that I can in my current role, and any advancement in this area within the company means I need to move to Sydney. There isn't enough money in the world to make me move to Sydney - I don't want to live there, and the distance from my family, friends and support network isn't worth it. Or, I can keep investigating this head hunter option. They are really keen. Everyone there I have met I do like, and they are talking about options for me in the future. They are building a succession plan and they want me in it. I have been asked to meet with someone else from the company tomorrow to talk further about it. I'm interested. Even if this company doesn't pan out, I think it is time for me to look at other options.

Onwards and upwards. I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. Nothing is keeping me in one path forever.

Ruminating

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

In a broken nest there are few whole eggs

I'm sitting here looking at a DVD I need to watch. It has been sitting mutely on the coffee table next to the laptop reminding me that I need to watch it. If it had eyes, they would be big, brown puppy dog eyes.

It is very important to my father that I watch it. He hasn't said it in so many words, but he asked me for help to burn it, and I've been getting calls every couple of days from him, checking that I've burnt the DVD for myself OK. I'm not sure how to deal with him being this attentive. I don't think he has been this attentive toward me since I was 5.

He is in his fourth intensive week of PTSD counselling for Vietnam veterans. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday every week, he goes and works with a psychiatrist. From what he has said, I gather it is both group and individual sessions. He says he is enjoying it, and that he is getting a lot out of it. I'm very impressed that he is doing it, but I wonder how many of his issues can really be attributed to Vietnam.

I don't know who this man is. For the last 12 years or so, we have had a very distant relationship. We are very good at the family social events, we give the correct birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day presents. As one of my brothers so elegantly says, he is a great bloke to have a beer with, but you wouldn't want to be related to him. Before that, there was the mind numbing boredom of fortnightly access visits, with trips to the park, his work, or his friends homes, wherever he can find a way to have his access visit but not spend time with his children.

It wasn't always like this. Some of my most treasured photos are of the two of us sitting on top of a slide, of me leaning into my very hungover father next to the fishpond, of me toddling into the waves to pick up a ball and him hovering protectively near me. I remember sitting on a tram with him, going to kinder after we moved to our new house. It was so exciting. I guess the 70's really were a good decade. Somewhere along the line, I became less interesting. For a very long time, I've felt that I am only interesting or noteworthy when I'm involved with something that gets media coverage, or it fits into water cooler conversation. The worst thing is that I've let it continue. I think I've kept seeking out that approval, hoping that things I've done will make it into his "brag book".

I'm struggling to deal with these changes. I just found a way to manage my relationship with Dad, and he has changed the rules on me. I'm scared that if I open myself up to these changes, he will just hurt me again.

Thanks to Mike for the title to this post.