Rollercoaster

Well, it feels like forever and 6 weeks since the last time I posted to the blog. I've been appallingly flat out and slack.

My dad's 60th birthday party was a blast. I had the best time with my cousins. It is so good to have that connection - and scary to see how much genes will out. He was really happy with the music that I put together for him - really enjoyed it. We got a thank you letter from him in the mail on Friday - it really hurt that he signed it Regards. I feel sad that he can't admit to loving us.

My first week of the public speaking course went really well. I've never felt so comfortable standing up in front of complete strangers and speaking. I'm really looking forward to next week.

I'm so worried about my brother. He's had problems with alcohol for a long time, but it seems to be getting worse. I discovered yesterday that wines I've had cellared have gone missing. I'm devastated that he has broken my trust like this, and so worried and frustrated. He is the only one who can change his life. I can't do it for him, but it is breaking my heart to watch him throw his life away on the way to rock bottom.

I've been given a promotion at work. I'm really excited about it, as it gives me the development opportunities I've needed, as well as some challenges to keep my brain happy. That, and getting the chance to learn how to be a good manager.

We've had a pretty big scare with my stepfather's health lately. About 10 days ago I was having dinner with 2 of my best friends when my very drunk and slurry brother called me to tell me that our stepfather was being rushed to hospital with chest pains. Who knew I could get across town in 20 minutes legally. He was admitted into the cardio ward and was going to undergo a lot of tests the next day. I think my highlight was seeing my stepbrother threaten to have him declared mentally incompetent if he kept refusing the angiogram. Luckily he passed the angiogram with flying colours, so now he is running a gamut of other health tests to see what could have caused it. I'm not ready to lose someone I love. That 36 hours scared me. Badly. I've been telling lots of people I love them lately.

Missing

I got my cat's registration papers in the mail today. Normally that would be a non event, except tonight is the seventh night in a row he hasn't come home.

I miss him terribly. I miss the 15 minutes before my alarm goes off spent cuddling with him. I miss him sitting on my chest when I'm using my laptop, headbutting my chin and purring. I miss him sitting on my feet when I'm watching TV. I miss him ignoring me whenever he sees my boyfriend. I miss him headbutting his food box when I'm trying to feed him. I miss him following me when I go for a walk. I miss watching him sitting on the fence when I get home, waiting for me to open the door. I miss him jumping into my car when I get home and open the door, walking around having a good sniff to see where I've been. I miss the look on his face when it is hot and I rub him down with an ice cube. I miss hearing his purr.

I hate not knowing where he is. I really need to know if he is alive or dead. Whenever I drive, I'm scanning the side of the road looking for him. On the way to work on Tuesday I had to pull over because I saw a bundle of fur squashed onto the road. It wasn't him, but I still lost it for a little while.

I keep thinking I can hear his bell, and I get out of bed and walk around looking for him, or I mute the TV to listen more carefully. I keep hearing bells.

I just want my kitten back.

:(

I've been worrying about one of my best friends for the last couple of weeks. He lives in New Zealand and he has just moved house, and hasn't given me his new home number yet. He hasn't been answering my texts, and he has been very quiet on the email front.

Today I found out why. He has had a recurrence of bowel cancer. He has just had another tumour removed, and although they are optimistic that they got it all because it was encapsulated, he has been back having radiotherapy and "flashing his arse all over New Zealand". He doesn't know yet if he will have to go and have more chemo. This will be his third round of it in 4 years.

I feel so powerless and useless. I know that his coping mechanism is to shut himself away and deal with things by himself, but I want to be able to do something. He is always there for me, but he doesn't want anyone there for him at the moment. Right now, the only thing I can do is let him deal with things his own way, and be there when he is ready for people again. That and rely on other friends over there to keep an eye on him.

I guess I'm just scared that he is worried that things will go badly, and he is trying to isolate himself more to spare everyone.