Playing God

Today I've had 2 injections, one blood test, one internal ultrasound, and a bonding session with a speculum. Oddly enough, it was even less fun than it sounds.

Why?

All of this is working towards a Petri dish next week, which will hopefully be the beginning of our family. Samples from both of us, and the doctor using a needle to inject them together.

We are blessed to live in a time where we have these medical options, and I am thankful that we don't have to live through the agonising months of trying, never knowing why we are not successful.

At the same time I wonder, how does it feel to be that doctor? How does it feel to know that with every probe of the needle you are creating something which has the potential to be a life with all the possibilities that entails?

Happy New Year

Admittedly, a very belated one.

I've been spending some time on Facebook tonight, and I noticed that so many people have been commenting on what a terrible 2009 it was, and how they hoped it would be better in 2010.

I didn't notice. I had a pretty good 2009, and so did most of my family.

I married my very gorgeous husband 6 months ago tomorrow. I have had the privilege of meeting my very first nephew, and watching his first Christmas, and the joy that he has brought my brother and sister in law. Not to mention my parents, who are both besotted with their first grandchild. My mother retired from work, and finally acheived her dream of selling the house that she bought with my father and starting afresh. My smallest sister started school, and is loving every second of it - socially and intellectually. Did I mention marrying my gorgeous husband? My other brother didn't die in his nasty car accident the week before our wedding. I am so thankful for that. My cousins, my childhood partners in crime that I hadn't seen for 20 odd years are both back in my life. It feels like a hole in my heart has been plugged. I was there when my grandfather met 4 of his great grand children for the first time. My other sister has moved to Vietnam to teach for 2 years. I miss her like crazy, and Skype just isn't enough, but she will be home to visit in one month and 10 days. Yes, I'm counting. My stepfather has contributed to an exhibit at our Immigration Museum. I was so proud when I saw his name on the list (second!!!) of contributors, and photos.

It hasn't been all roses. My brother could have died. But he didn't. And he managed to escort my sister down the aisle a week later at our wedding. I hope every day that he can get past the drinking. But I have finally accepted that I cannot fix it - he must when he is ready. One of my closest friends had a stroke. But he is still alive - and rehab is going well. My mother in law is getting less and less connected with reality - a diagnosis of full blown dementia cannot be far away now. Yet her fantasy land seems to be a very happy place for her. If she is happy, and we can keep the world around her functioning, that will do me for now.

I hope that you see good things on the horizon for 2010, and enjoyed the festive season with your family and friends. Evalinn, your posts are making me hungry - I can only read them over breakfast.

End of an era

We settled on our new house last Wednesday. We spent the weekend painting and working out the best way to set up the rooms. We move house on Saturday. I have soooooo much packing still to do.

Tonight on my way to the gym my brother stopped me. He said that he has just realised that tomorrow night is his last chance to tease the cat. When I said that he is welcome to visit and tease the cat whenever he likes he told me that it isn't the same.

I'm so excited about the future and our life together, but right now I'm having a little cry.

It has really hit me tonight that I won't be living with my brother anymore. He is my closest sibling. Always has been and always will be. He is 2 years, 9 hours and 11 minutes younger than me. I know that he will always be there for me, but I'm not going to have that daily contact anymore.

I will miss that.

I want him to be happy. He isn't at the moment. I can't make that happen for him. I worry about him.

I will miss him.

*Oh, and teasing the cat - more like spending hours patting him, scratching his belly and talking to him. Definitely not a case for the RSPCA.

Merry Christmas

I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas. Enjoy the time with your family.

Rollercoaster

Well, it feels like forever and 6 weeks since the last time I posted to the blog. I've been appallingly flat out and slack.

My dad's 60th birthday party was a blast. I had the best time with my cousins. It is so good to have that connection - and scary to see how much genes will out. He was really happy with the music that I put together for him - really enjoyed it. We got a thank you letter from him in the mail on Friday - it really hurt that he signed it Regards. I feel sad that he can't admit to loving us.

My first week of the public speaking course went really well. I've never felt so comfortable standing up in front of complete strangers and speaking. I'm really looking forward to next week.

I'm so worried about my brother. He's had problems with alcohol for a long time, but it seems to be getting worse. I discovered yesterday that wines I've had cellared have gone missing. I'm devastated that he has broken my trust like this, and so worried and frustrated. He is the only one who can change his life. I can't do it for him, but it is breaking my heart to watch him throw his life away on the way to rock bottom.

I've been given a promotion at work. I'm really excited about it, as it gives me the development opportunities I've needed, as well as some challenges to keep my brain happy. That, and getting the chance to learn how to be a good manager.

We've had a pretty big scare with my stepfather's health lately. About 10 days ago I was having dinner with 2 of my best friends when my very drunk and slurry brother called me to tell me that our stepfather was being rushed to hospital with chest pains. Who knew I could get across town in 20 minutes legally. He was admitted into the cardio ward and was going to undergo a lot of tests the next day. I think my highlight was seeing my stepbrother threaten to have him declared mentally incompetent if he kept refusing the angiogram. Luckily he passed the angiogram with flying colours, so now he is running a gamut of other health tests to see what could have caused it. I'm not ready to lose someone I love. That 36 hours scared me. Badly. I've been telling lots of people I love them lately.

Celebrations

It is a big year for celebrations in my family this year. Both my parents are turning 60, my stepfather is turning 65, my younger sister is turning 25, my youngest sister turned 5 and I'm turning 35 (eeek!!)

The next event is Dad's 60th birthday later this month. To celebrate he is holding an open house followed by a family dinner. I'm actually really looking forward to it now. Lots of our family are travelling interstate and intrastate, and I haven't seen some of them since my grandfather's 80th 4 years ago. Even the ones I last saw in September are cause for celebration.

In the last year or so I've felt that my life is coming full circle in a lot of ways. I seem to have been picking up connections from my past that I've dropped. I think I've been more at peace with myself, and more comfortable facing my fears, and knowing that I'm living up to my expectations, not anyone else's. I'm really looking forward to Dad's birthday party - both my parents will be there, many of their friends from my childhood and so much of my extended family.

Dad called me tonight. He wants me to arrange the music for his birthday. I'm really excited to do it. It is something that I can do which will contribute to the mood of the day, but is so very personal. He has asked for music of the 60's and 70's. It will be the soundtrack of his life, but in so many ways the soundtrack to my childhood too. My mind is whirring with the possibilities.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them

We have a long weekend this weekend. Anzac Day is one of my favourite public holidays. I think it is because it is a day honouring people.

Friday morning I'll be going to a local Dawn Service - with my Dad, my boy, my brother and sister in law, my sister and hopefully my other brother. I think the Dawn Service is a lovely way to commemorate the day. We stand in the morning cold, surrounded by the mist. The only colour is the frost or dew on the grass and the flame. The hushed reverence of murmured voices, the poignance of the Last Post.

Secrets

More of my grandfathers life is coming to light.

Apparently his first wife divorced him when my mother was 10. We don't know if my grandmother knew that she was married to a bigamist. All my mother knows is that her mother had a big 50th birthday party that year.

So many secrets that have been buried with his death more than 30 years ago.

I'm fascinated, yet saddened by it.

Snippets

My modem no longer has a drinking problem. It has had a feed of bacon, eggs and hash browns and been to rehab. I'm so pleased. Dial up isn't my friend, unless I"m really desperate.

While I've been away ...

Random men have been adding me as friends on Facebook. I guess it is one way for guys to meet women. On one hand, my ego loves the attention, but on the other hand, I think it is pretty creepy that they are trawling their friends profiles looking for women. I'm keeping my profile very limited, so only my friends can see the contents. And every friend I have I've met in person.

My family just got bigger. All of a sudden my mum is the youngest of 6 instead of the youngest of 3. My grandfather was a conman, with a taste for serial monogamy. His children have now identified 4 different names he used. Mum is very excited. I've lost count of all the excited phone calls and conversations with her. And the emails. My goodness. She is repeating herself a lot in her excitement. My stepfather is excited - he thinks he is going to see what mum will look like in 10 years.

Nothing new on the work front. They want me, but they can't afford me for a few more months. I don't know if I will go then - it will all depend. I might be happy again. Things may not feel as right as they did. They have poached my favourite sales guy though, and he is another good reason to go there.

My boyfriend's work hours have changed. They suck. He is now on the afternoon/evening shift. It is not relationship friendly. On the plus side, I get to have dinner with him on Sunday nights. On the minus side, I'm already noticing that the time we get to talk during the day is reduced. We are going to need to find a way to keep our communication up, because I'm noticing a difference and I don't like it. Any suggestions?

I'm madly working on the questions for the annual fund raiser for my parents church. This will either be the 4th or 5th year that we have done it, and it is really popular. I love doing the trivia nights, and have way too much fun trying to come up with evil questions.

Merry Christmas

It's 10.45 on Christmas Eve, and I've finished wrapping all my presents. I've spent a couple of hours babysitting my small sisters, and now I have the house to myself, my boy and my brother. We are watching Carol's by Candlelight, commenting on how much older so many of the regular participants are looking and drinking too much red wine. Whenever I can I flicked across to the Edinburgh Tattoo - I'm a sucker for pipes and drums.

Tomorrow morning I'll be given breakfast in bed for my birthday, and then my boy will head off for his family Christmas in rural Victoria :( After that my father and small sister will come over to give me my birthday present, and then he will drive my brother and I across to my mothers to spend Christmas. We really are quite civilised these days.

Lunch will be for my birthday, and I've already put in an order for a chilli and garlic calamari salad, followed by marinated lamb and greek salad. Yum, all my favourite flavours. We will all probably collapse for a couple of hours before going outside to play with whatever demented game my mother bought for Christmas this year - somehow I suspect quoits will have another outing! Then, dinner - ham, chicken, salads, salads, beef, followed by pavlova. I think the only reason my stepbrother and sister in law get invited is for her pavlova :)

Have a safe and happy Christmas everyone! How will you be celebrating it?

Sisters are doin' it for themselves

I had fun last night. It was my turn to help out with babysitting my (nearly) five year old sister. There was way more giggling than should be allowed.

We played with the inside ball, and I introduced her to playing tunnelball - possibly not ideal with 2 people, but I didn't hear any complaints. Thank goodness for polished boards.

Arial taught the butterfly to swim, and then the butterfly took Arial for a flight. I followed instructions and took their photo with my phone, and then we had to add clip art. To say she knows exactly what she wants to do is the understatement of the century.

Whenever I babysit I try to do something new and special with her. Last night we put the coins from my purse under a piece of paper and coloured over them wtih her pencils. The look on her face when she saw the numbers and animals appear was priceless. Doing them in colour was fun too - whatever colour I chose, she needed to use shortly afterwards. Luckily her purse had coins that Dad had given her from Singapore, Malaysia and Canada, so we had lots of different patterns and sizes to choose from.

My favourite part though, was her bedtime. Once she had her satiny pink nighty on (did someone say Princess?) it was time to read stories. I read the first Winnie the Pooh book properly, following exactly the words and pictures. I got into big trouble with the second book because I kept adding words to the sentences. When she stopped laughing at me, and telling me off for being silly, I was banished to lie on the floor next to her bed and listen to her read the story for me. I got into more trouble for heckling from the floor. That meant she read the story to me twice.

Last time I babysat, I sat and sang to her after we finished reading. This time, I had to do it again. Christmas songs this time. As all big sisters are required to do, I sang the wrong lyrics to Jingle Bells - "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin flew away etc" Of course, then I had to explain Batman & Robin. Good King Wenceslas went down well, and so did Away in a Manger. I started the 12 Days of Christmas, but had way too many mental blanks for what happened on which day - unfortunately, in my version last night, my true love sent me lots of different chickens. I was okay going backwards from 5 gold rings, but on the way up, I got lots of chickens. Apparently they were a swimming too. If nothing else, she laughed. So did I - I unwound so much.

Monday Reflections

Monday night, and the weekend is long gone.

My mum celebrated the last birthday of her sixth decade. We had a family lunch at the same beachside restaurant that I had my first farewell lunch at last year. We were disappointed that the entertainment wasn't repeated. It was lovely to sit in the sun with the sea breezes, watching the yachts on the bay. After lunch we went back to mum's house to play with her new toy. She was very excited when my stepfather presented her with a game of quoits. Mum decided that we all needed to play by the rules that were included with the game. So we stepped out 9 feet and used a hockey stick to mark a throwing point. We sucked. We all threw about 60 times each, and only one of my brothers, my sister in law and my stepfather managed to get the quoit over the pole. Heck, we sucked big time. We even tried with our eyes closed. I laughed so hard when I was throwing with my eyes closed I didn't get anywhere near the pole. I guess I was the comic relief.

Yesterday I had an invitation to a 4th birthday party. I had to go and get the rest of his present first, so I accidentally bought 4 books* - the glorious Waterhole by Graeme Base for the birthday boy and the rest for me. I'm thoroughly enjoying Fridge Magnets are Bastards right now. I had the privilege of watching my favourite almost four year olds tear the wrapping paper from his stilts and his book, and then practice walking on the stilts. I do enjoy being his honorary aunt.

One of my favourite things about his birthday parties is that I get to catch up with such a varied group of friends. We celebrate and mourn together. Some of these people have been my friends since the 1980's. This weekend we were celebrating an unexpected but very welcome pregnancy. We were also the ears for the end of a 12 year relationship. Politics and religion got a good going over too.

These are the people that ground me. They are the important people in my life. Without them my life would not be as rich. I'm very lucky to have them in my life.

*They just fell into my arms. Really. It was an accident.

6 days, and a whole world

I got my first letter from my sponsor child yesterday. She is a 4 year old girl. She loves to play dancing and will try to be a good girl. I wonder what her life will be like in future years. Will she reach her goal of becoming a doctor when she grows up? How does she know at 4 that she wants to be a doctor? She lives in Burma (Myanmar), 700 kilometres from the capital city. Is the violence in her country affecting her now?

Last night I babysat my little sister. Sorry, childsat. She isn't a baby anymore. She is 6 days younger than my sponsor child. She loves to play dancing too. Last night she insisted on wearing her Little Mermaid dancing costume to bed.

I look at the contrast between these 2 girls, and I am thankful for my life. My sister does not need to rely on people from another country to help her with her education. We take clean water for granted. We don't need to go to the well for drinking water and we live in a house with more than one room.

We wrote a letter to my sponsor child last night, and my sister drew a picture for her. Apparently we can send flat gifts with the letter. One of the suggestions is stickers. We are going to choose some. My sister loves stickers so she is looking forward to helping me choose.

Back to reality

I'm back home again. After 12 nights, and 10 days away I'm back home. At the risk of sounding like a real princess, it is heavenly to be back with DSL and not using dial up anymore. I'm also freezing back in Melbourne - who would have thought that Tasmania was warmer. Another myth exploded.

Big things first - my brothers wedding was lovely. My new sister in law looked absolutely beautiful, and the ceremony was very simple. Most of the extended family were very entertained by the 6 or so rabbits hopping around - lots of suggestions of fertility were made. Everytime that we have a big family get together I'm stunned by the resemblance of our family. Looking back at the photo's now, I see groups of people who can't be anything other than related to each other.

The boy and I had a lovely 10 days together. I suspect it can be a test for a relationship to spend that amount of time driving around a strange place, where so many of the roads are what I described as squiggly bits. So many of them had recommended speeds of 15 or 25 kilometres an hour. I've learnt this trip that I really don't like windy, bendy roads, even if travelled slowly. This is a new thing for me - I always loved driving through the Adelaide Hills before they put the straight road in there. Yet I will happily sit on the back of a boat (holding on) when it is on the open sea ploughing through 2 metre waves. The boy gave up trying to understand it.

For the first time ever, we went away without all of our accomodation being prebooked. This is a massive step, especially for the boy, who lives by his schedule. We were lucky though. We managed to get 4 star accomodation in Launceston for 2 nights at a reduced rate in a magnificient historic building, and a 3 bedroom beachfront house on the Freycinet Penisula. Our main accomodation in Hobart sucked big time though. Not sure how you can forget to mention to bookings that you are undergoing major renovations. Won't ever be returning there. Cradle Mountain was magical though. After driving 5 hours with lots of squiggly bits on the roads, and the last 2 hours in the dark with no mobile reception, it was heavenly to arrive somewhere with the open fire ready laid for us, a queen size bed with a great mattress and electric blanket, and an electric heater to take the chill off until the fire kicked in. It was quite funny when we were unloading the car though - we had a possum keep trying to get in the door.

Next morning we had this visitor. He visited us regularly.











Home now, and the last photo that I took was this. Sunrise on the Spirit of Tasmania.

I need some suggestions

As some of you may know, my brother is getting married in less than one month. As a favour to him, I've been putting the music for dinner and dancing at the reception together. We've got the dinner music sorted, but I'm looking for suggestions.

What songs make you get up and dance at parties and at weddings? We've got a very mixed age group, so any suggestions will be gratefully received.

I promise I'll post the final list of songs used for all parts of the night - either before or afterwards.

The big question

I'm babysitting my four and a half year old half sister tonight. I spoke to my stepmother last night, and apparently they had a battle royale at the supermarket yesterday. Princess 4 insisted on buying cat food just in case I bought my cat over to help babysit her. She was not happy when her mother said no. What will I tell her about why George won't be joining us?

In a broken nest there are few whole eggs

I'm sitting here looking at a DVD I need to watch. It has been sitting mutely on the coffee table next to the laptop reminding me that I need to watch it. If it had eyes, they would be big, brown puppy dog eyes.

It is very important to my father that I watch it. He hasn't said it in so many words, but he asked me for help to burn it, and I've been getting calls every couple of days from him, checking that I've burnt the DVD for myself OK. I'm not sure how to deal with him being this attentive. I don't think he has been this attentive toward me since I was 5.

He is in his fourth intensive week of PTSD counselling for Vietnam veterans. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday every week, he goes and works with a psychiatrist. From what he has said, I gather it is both group and individual sessions. He says he is enjoying it, and that he is getting a lot out of it. I'm very impressed that he is doing it, but I wonder how many of his issues can really be attributed to Vietnam.

I don't know who this man is. For the last 12 years or so, we have had a very distant relationship. We are very good at the family social events, we give the correct birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day presents. As one of my brothers so elegantly says, he is a great bloke to have a beer with, but you wouldn't want to be related to him. Before that, there was the mind numbing boredom of fortnightly access visits, with trips to the park, his work, or his friends homes, wherever he can find a way to have his access visit but not spend time with his children.

It wasn't always like this. Some of my most treasured photos are of the two of us sitting on top of a slide, of me leaning into my very hungover father next to the fishpond, of me toddling into the waves to pick up a ball and him hovering protectively near me. I remember sitting on a tram with him, going to kinder after we moved to our new house. It was so exciting. I guess the 70's really were a good decade. Somewhere along the line, I became less interesting. For a very long time, I've felt that I am only interesting or noteworthy when I'm involved with something that gets media coverage, or it fits into water cooler conversation. The worst thing is that I've let it continue. I think I've kept seeking out that approval, hoping that things I've done will make it into his "brag book".

I'm struggling to deal with these changes. I just found a way to manage my relationship with Dad, and he has changed the rules on me. I'm scared that if I open myself up to these changes, he will just hurt me again.

Thanks to Mike for the title to this post.

The Catch Up

Sydney was full on. My flight was delayed more than any flight should be delayed. We boarded on time, but then we had mechanical problems. Not really something you want to hear when you have to stay on the plane. On the plus side, I read all but the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on the plane in preparation for Deathly Hallows. We had gorgeous, crisp, sunny days though. Just the way I want to spend the time on the harbour. Most exciting from a professional point of view - I won the award for best sales person in an operational role for the 2006 - 7 financial year. I was thrilled to get it - the decision is made by the state and national managers and the other nominees were all people I really rate. That and I've only been there since November. Nice people to give me a shopping voucher. Time for a freezer and a blender I think. Or books. Or shoes.

It's taken the best part of two weeks to catch up with everybody's blogs. I think I've finally caught up on everything I've missed. My highlight - Millie the dog. Thanks Jelly, you put a massive smile on my face.

We went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It didn't really do it for me. I think it was probably one of the harder books to put on the screen. How do you put all that whiny teenage boy stuff on screen? Still, I think it left way too much important stuff out. C-

Last night we saw The Simpsons movie. It was fun. I'm not sure it deserved the standing ovation it got at the end though. I was very unhappy to see the preview for the movie "The Dark is Rising". I'm not happy about it at all. I think they've completely messed with the premise. I adore those books. I'm furious that they have messed with them. I'm sure I'll have a full rant about it in the fullness of time.

I've been working with my brother and his fiance to put the music together for their wedding in September. We've nearly got all the music together for dinner, and we are just working the dancing part. Way too much fun. They are doing their bridal waltz to Billy Joel's "just the way you are". I'm not sure who was more disturbed though; my brother's fiance when he asked for some Whitesnake, or my brother when I showed him that I had the song he wanted on my ipod.

My gorgeous boy was worried that I wouldn't approve of the suit that he was planning to wear for the wedding. He doesn't wear a suit for work, and might wear a suit about 3 times a year. It turns out he only has the one suit, and he has owned it for 10 years. He is right, I didn't approve of it. He took it quite well, although he said that he was hoping to hear "honey, your suit is fine". So today he suggested that we go and have a look for suits, although he wanted to go to one specific shop to buy it. OK then. So we wandered around a few shops, and in one got some exceptional service. He was measured up, and pointed in the direction of suits that fitted his criteria. He looks damn sexy in his new black, 3 button, single breasted suit, with his new palest lilac shirt, and new diagonally striped tie. No nagging required :)

I bought only one thing today - a 3 DVD set for $19.99 - The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science.

What does this week hold? The Gwen Stefani concert, a screening of Amazing Grace (now I know what happened to Youssou N'Dour), training up my new assistant at work, a family dinner for my lovely stepfathers birthday, finding that last beetle in Virtual Villagers: The Lost Children, setting up the new DVD player for my parents, trying to restrict my Crackbook time.

You can choose your friends ...

We've been at a trivia night for my sisters school tonight. One of the games was Sit down if. You know, sit down if you were born in an even numbered year, sit down if you've seen an episode of Big Brother this year and so on. The boy and I were sitting down, having been taken out by an episode of Big Brother (me, to my chagrin) and carrying a handkerchief, when the host said "sit down if you've had nookie today". My mother and stepfather were the only people in the room who sat down. My sister turned scarlet. I probably didn't help when I sent her a text telling her to be thankful that we had already been taken out. I'm glad I don't have to be in her staffroom on Monday morning.

On the road again

Time for another trip to Sydney. I feel like I've just come back and it is time to go again.

Several years ago, I toyed with moving to Sydney. I'd recently ended a 3 year relationship, my best friend was living in Sydney, I'd had some pretty full on medical problems, I'd been in a bit of a financial mess, I was tired of living at home with my family for medical and financial reasons, and I was frustrated and bored at work. Sydney looked like an exciting, easy way to change my life. I would be living in a bigger city where no one knew me and I could reinvent myself. I would be free of the history people in Melbourne have for me. I could be the exotic one, flying in for obligations, but with an easy out. Oh no, I can't stay, I have a plane to catch. See me run.

The more I think about it, I'm glad I didn't run. And running it would have been. I've rebuilt, restored, enhanced my relationships. I've strengthened my support system. I have history with the people in my life.

This isn't the post I meant to write tonight, but it is the post that has been written. So, I'm off to Sydney for a few days. I'll be back at work on Friday lunchtime, and I'll be home Friday night.