Blogging as therapy ...

Jellyhead has a thought provoking post about her daughters dance class, and it provoked me into thinking about the different groups of girls at my primary school.

I was horrendously shy at primary school. I wasn't really interested in running around all the time, rather I wanted to read. You name it and I wanted to read it. Still do come to think of it. We didn't really watch much TV, so I couldn't talk about the TV that other kids watched. Thank goodness for the ABC. Mum was pretty strict with what movies we were allowed to watch, so I didn't get to see most of the movies that other kids saw and talked about. In Grade 3, we were all weighed, and I was the heaviest in the grade at 35 kilos. Talk about being scarred for life because I can still remember it. The teasing from both boys and girls was insane.

What little confidence I had took a real battering all the way through primary school. I was unlucky enough to be in the same year, and frequently the same class as a bully. She delighted in the put down, and specialised in the you are my friend, now you aren't manoeuvre. I spent close to 7 years dreading this girl, and just hoping that she would ignore me. It didn't work so well. Interestingly enough, Mum said something the other day about this girl and her mother. Apparently when I was in Grade 4, both Mum and her mother were pregnant at the same time. I got a little sister. Mum said that she couldn't face this girls mother for over a year, as her baby was strangled by the umbilical cord during childbirth. Looking back now, I can't imagine how devastated the entire family must have been - I'm sure that contributed to her vileness in later primary. I must admit to a certain bitchy satisfaction in year 9 when I heard a rumour (never confirmed) that she had been expelled from her exclusive private school for cheating during her exams by writing the answers on her thigh.

I had friends at school - we were the odd ones, and definitely not the popular group. Suddenly in Grade 6, one of my friends was absorbed by the popular group, and the rest of us were tolerated on the fringe. I've never forgotten the day that the Queen Bee of Grade 6 looked over at me and said "you know, if you were like this all of the time, you could be popular". Ouch!

I've been thinking about all of this for the last couple of days since reading Jellyhead's post. It is definitely time that I processed all this and moved on, and think I finally have. Primary school doesn't define me 20 years after leaving. Thanks Jellyhead.

Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end

I've spent a really fun day today wandering around the TV50 exhibition at the Australian Centre for the Moving Image in at Fed Square. I have to confess that this is the first time I've ever been to Fed Square - I'm sure that I can come up with heaps of excuses, but reality is that I just never got around to it.

I had an absolute ball - and I'm definitely going to head into ACMI for more exhibitions and events. I found myself getting all goosebumpy at some of the news footage of events that have happened 50 years ago. I really loved the way that they set the exhibition out. Along one wall they had floor to ceiling televisions - metres of them. They broke the exhibits up alphabetically. A for Advertisements, all the way through to Z for Zoned out. Each section had video showing on different televisions, all relevant to that topic. It was fantastic seeing some of the old ads, and Rita the Eta Eater. Got a bit of a shock watching Daphne dying on Neighbours again and again on the wall of televisions. Greg Fleet in his televisual nasty moment. They had a section for the future of television and the media. It was mainly computers - one set on YouTube that you could search for clips, one with an installation done using Flash - a vision of 2015. Another one was set up with BigPond to download TV or movies on demand. Now I know why I'm not using BigPond - slow, painful and heaps of buffering. Vile.

Just one thing marred the experience for me, and I know that I'm being super picky. Poor Bush Tucker Man, Les Hiddins had his name spelt Les Hindes, Les Hiddens. Channel 9 might want to up the PR for Jamie Durie, known to ACMI as Jamie Dury. Little things, but they make me question just how much attention to detail is being paid when the exhibition is being put together.

I'd love to go back and spend more time just wandering through. Just for my amusement, I'm going to count how many sections Kylie Minogue appears or gets mentioned in. She was everywhere.

We're all going on a summer holiday

I wish - it is neither summer, nor do I have holidays booked.

I've been thinking a lot this week about holidays, and just how badly I seem to need one. This time 2 years ago I had just returned from 10 magical days in Fiji. We stayed at the Warwick resort, and used it as a base to explore parts of the main island, and spent one wonderful day visiting one of the islands, and travelling on the catamaran around the other islands. I always feel so truly happy when I am in and around water, so to me, that was a blissful day. Is it any wonder that I still have a photo from that trip as the wallpaper on my laptop.


This time last year, I was preparing to spend 10 days in the Cook Islands. I fell in love with the country and the people, and I cannot wait to return. Again, being surrounded by water just makes me so happy. I think my soul was really satisfied by having water all around me, and yet, being able to look at the centre of the island and see jungly mountains.


Am I going away again this year? I don't know, but I really hope so. I'm having dinner with my travel buddy tonight and we will see what we can work out. I can hear people saying that it doesn't matter if my travel buddy and I can go together or not, I should just go. Sounds good, but I do feel safer when there are the 2 of us, and we complement each other well. We talked about why it works so well for us a couple of weeks ago, and decided that it is because we both give each other space to go off and explore independently, and to do our own thing, but we do encourage each other to try things outside our comfort zone too. We also know that we each have things that are non negotiable - for me, it is essential to spend a couple of days unwinding and resting before doing anything, and for him, he needs to go and sightsee. I always make sure that I have at least three days off work before we leave, so that my unwinding has already started, and I've had time to get organised without being a headless chook. That way - 2 happy travellers, very few fights, or hurt feelings. All good.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to my stepfather. My lovely Trinistepdadian is turning 25 and a bit again.

He is a truly good man. I would like to thank him for making my mother so happy, and for giving all four of us unconditional love, support and friendship. I know that if I ever have a problem, I can go to him for help, and he will help me and support me as much as he can. He may disapprove of things we do, but he does not judge. Mum told me once that he believes he is on this earth to serve others. Not only does he believe it, he lives it.

Please don't think he is perfect - he isn't by a long shot. He is the poster boy for obduracy, and has some very peculiar blind spots.

Sometimes I feel sad for him, because he doesn't have the relationship with his 2 daughters that he has with me, and to a lesser extent my sister. I feel sad for them too, because they are really missing out.

I would love to see him as a grandfather. Maybe soon.

Happy birthday.

Kiss Off!

I hope I've ended it - no more obsessing about the disaster that was last Saturday and the after effects. It is a terrible thing to realise just how nasty a streak I have, and how much mirth I have got from someone's unfortunate habits, way of expressing themselves and slightly sad life.

I did take the cowards way out, just sending him an email letting him know that I wasn't really interested in seeing him again. I have to admit that I told him that I felt quite uncomfortable with some of the things he wrote and said to me, and suggested that maybe he might want to restrain himself in the future with what he says to women.

On the really positive side, I've done a heap of thinking, and I think I'm much more clear about what I do and don't want in a relationship, and what I'm prepared to compromise on, and what is less negotiable for me. I also know that I'm not prepared to settle for just anyone, even if they are falling for me. I don't have to be bored, or feel that I need to dumb things down. I'm not looking for a carbon copy of myself, and I don't want anyone who expects to be joined at the with me - independence is a good thing.

PS I have to admit, my ego loves that someone wants to fall for me so quickly - I just wish they weren't so creepy and odd!

A bum rap?

I know that I'm obsessing more than a little with the aftermath of Saturday's date, but the train crash just keeps going. I need to end it once and for all. Whatever "it" is, it needs to stop!

My productivity at work today plummeted after I received an email, that asked amongst other things;

"Is there anything you would object to me buying for you?"
"Would it be ok to call you pet names? For example muffin honeybun darling babe?"
and the absolute kicker
"If I wanted to give you a back rub would it bother you if I gave you a bum rub at the same time?"

I've been thinking alot today about relationships, and what I want out of one. I've learnt over the last few days that I need someone who challenges me and can make me think. Much I would love to have someone just worship the ground I walk on, and just dote on me, it isn't enough. I would be bored, and probably be a right bitch if that is what happened.

It has been interesting getting feedback from some of my friends and colleagues about me and who I should be with. They have all agreed that I would be bored, and need someone to challenge me. Interestingly enough, they have all referred to this situation as verging on the bunny boilerish.

I need to end things now, and try to be as kind as possible. He is getting too attached to me, and that is unfair to him, because it sure isn't mutual.

Can I boil your bunny with that?

Eeek. I know I said that Saturday's date was a bit obsessy - now I know it to be true. He popped up on my msn today, and started going on about my amazing eyes, my gorgeous smile and my kissable lips. Excuse me? Going just a little bit further than one should after a first date methinks. I was OK with the first compliment to my eyes and smile, and just thanked him, but he just kept going (and going, and going!). I'm not comfortable with excessive compliments. I start to doubt the sincerity of them, and wonder what is wanted/expected from me.

More and more, my gut is saying hell no, run for the hills, so I think that I will have to find a kind way to do just that. I know that rejection hurts, so I don't want to drag it out, but I don't want to give false hope either.