When do you stop?

How do you know enough is enough?

I've been asking myself that since June 30th, the date of our first IVF pregnancy test. The negative one. The earth shattering one. The one which shook my world and left me shattered, wailing. I don't know how many times I can go through that. The depth of my reaction surprised me. I'd spent 2 weeks telling myself that it hadn't worked, and I wasn't pregnant, but that little kernel of hope was stronger than I knew, or had let myself believe.

When you have your mandatory pre IVF counselling appointment, when is enough enough is not something you talk about. You talk about what happens with any embryos if one of you dies while you still have some frozen, what do you do if you have finished your family and still have embryos, and the big one, how do you feel about being infertile. For the record, both of us left the decision to the survivor, I went with donate to an infertile couple or research, he went with research or destroy, and for me bereft, for him guilty.

We talked about enough before we started, and were feeling that one cycle was probably enough - use all embryos from the first harvest and leave it at that. We didn't base it on any specific logic, more around the unknown and a combination of money and my age. I don't know if that is right for me now.

I'm not the only person in this relationship. There are 2 of us in this marriage, and decisions like this cannot be made by only one. We are talking about it. The conversation happens at least once a week, and is still very much an exploration of ideas and what ifs. We don't have to decide yet, but it is there. Neither of us wants to close the door on having a family, but is this the only way?

All we can do for now is be the best aunt and uncle we can be to our gorgeous niece and nephew, the best big sister and brother in law to my 8 year old sister, the best surrogate aunt and uncle to other small people in our lives and hope that nature, my body and all the good wishes and prayers we have for us combine to make the current round a success.

Most importantly, we have each other.

Girding my loins

So round one didn't work. I wasn't prepared for how emotionally shattered I would be when I got the phone call telling me that I wasn't pregnant. I spent the day in 2 parts, the public robot manager, and the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth hidden.

So now, we wait again. Time for a month off, and then back we go again, to see how we go with the second embryo.

Draining. So emotionally draining. We do a lot of talking. Thank goodness we have that.

Playing God

Today I've had 2 injections, one blood test, one internal ultrasound, and a bonding session with a speculum. Oddly enough, it was even less fun than it sounds.

Why?

All of this is working towards a Petri dish next week, which will hopefully be the beginning of our family. Samples from both of us, and the doctor using a needle to inject them together.

We are blessed to live in a time where we have these medical options, and I am thankful that we don't have to live through the agonising months of trying, never knowing why we are not successful.

At the same time I wonder, how does it feel to be that doctor? How does it feel to know that with every probe of the needle you are creating something which has the potential to be a life with all the possibilities that entails?

Soup

I got a text from one of my friends yesterday asking me to make some soup. Just simple vegetable soup for her sick boyfriend until they can work out what is wrong with his stomach.

I loved being able to help her out, and especially enjoyed being able to do something concrete. The simple physical actions of peeling and chopping the potatoes and carrots, picking and slicing the beans and then putting it in the pot with some vegetable stock, pasta and water was very satisfying. Stirring the soup gave my afternoon a soothing routine and smelling the soup throughout the house just made me happy.

There is something I've always loved about the community of cooking and eating together. Now I've learnt about the community of preparing food for others, and not needing to be there to eat with them. I didn't need to be there to watch him eat it, I'm happy that he managed to keep it down and it didn't add to his pain.

Home

I've been mostly home for the last couple of weeks after I had my tonsils taken out (yes, ouch!) 2 weeks ago. I'm going back to work tomorrow, but wanted to wander around the garden I've enjoyed looking at during my recuperation.


Out the back door. This sold the house to me more than anything else. We've just painted it red and redone the white. It is my favourite part of the house to sit in and talk to friends, or just enjoy a coffee and the paper. Or a barbecue cooked by my gorgeous husband. The mint smell is just divine.


We gave most of the family 5 chili plants in a pot as part of their Christmas present, and kept 5 for ourselves. I can't wait to start cooking with these.


This hibiscus just keeps on giving - my poor husband has had to cut it back 4 times since we moved in here. It smells gorgeous, the birds love it and the flowers are sooooo pretty.





The plants in this bed mostly come from old rental places I lived in. Mum snaffled cuttings of everything I liked and kept them growing in pots at her house. Now they are settling into our house.



I can't wait for these trees to begin fruiting. One of them is a double grafted lemon/lime tree, and the other is a lemon tree we were given for a wedding present. They were both so tiny when we planted them, but they are growing well.



Our first vegie patch. It went absolutely crazy. so far we've enjoyed rhubarb, brocoli, silver beet, and tomatoes. Next year we plant different things there and move to the next patch we are planning at the moment. The rhurbarb came from my father in law.



The fence is falling down, but we thought we'd get a summer of beans out of it first before we replace it in autumn. We are snap freezing them as we pick them to keep us well supplied.



A little peek over the fence - no wonder we are such a popular place to visit for all the kids in our world. And yes, the new fence will have a gate.



It wouldn't smell like home to me without jasmine. Lots of room there for another compost bin and more vegie patches.



The plants in this bed all came from my Mum's house. Just before she moved from my childhood home we spent an afternoon raiding her garden and about 85% of our cuttings have taken.



George thinks he is lord and master of this house - so I had to include him.



More fruits of the garden - picked today. They are exploding with flavour - I just wish they didn't hurt my throat still. Give me a few more days.

That lovely husband of mine has done more than 95% of the work in the garden. I enjoy it, give my opinion and pull out the thistles. When I do the washing, I do the watering. We've got a long way to go to get it where we want to, but with the water tank, grey water and buckets in the shower we'll get there eventually. I love that it has so much of our history in it too.

Happy New Year

Admittedly, a very belated one.

I've been spending some time on Facebook tonight, and I noticed that so many people have been commenting on what a terrible 2009 it was, and how they hoped it would be better in 2010.

I didn't notice. I had a pretty good 2009, and so did most of my family.

I married my very gorgeous husband 6 months ago tomorrow. I have had the privilege of meeting my very first nephew, and watching his first Christmas, and the joy that he has brought my brother and sister in law. Not to mention my parents, who are both besotted with their first grandchild. My mother retired from work, and finally acheived her dream of selling the house that she bought with my father and starting afresh. My smallest sister started school, and is loving every second of it - socially and intellectually. Did I mention marrying my gorgeous husband? My other brother didn't die in his nasty car accident the week before our wedding. I am so thankful for that. My cousins, my childhood partners in crime that I hadn't seen for 20 odd years are both back in my life. It feels like a hole in my heart has been plugged. I was there when my grandfather met 4 of his great grand children for the first time. My other sister has moved to Vietnam to teach for 2 years. I miss her like crazy, and Skype just isn't enough, but she will be home to visit in one month and 10 days. Yes, I'm counting. My stepfather has contributed to an exhibit at our Immigration Museum. I was so proud when I saw his name on the list (second!!!) of contributors, and photos.

It hasn't been all roses. My brother could have died. But he didn't. And he managed to escort my sister down the aisle a week later at our wedding. I hope every day that he can get past the drinking. But I have finally accepted that I cannot fix it - he must when he is ready. One of my closest friends had a stroke. But he is still alive - and rehab is going well. My mother in law is getting less and less connected with reality - a diagnosis of full blown dementia cannot be far away now. Yet her fantasy land seems to be a very happy place for her. If she is happy, and we can keep the world around her functioning, that will do me for now.

I hope that you see good things on the horizon for 2010, and enjoyed the festive season with your family and friends. Evalinn, your posts are making me hungry - I can only read them over breakfast.

Yes, I do still exist

I have been horribly slack. I've been slightly distracted by our wedding and honeymoon. Now I'm working on returning to normal life. I'm getting there, but there are days I think I would rather be on a beach in Thailand, or running around at our wedding radiating joy.

Our wedding was truly wonderful. So much of the day didn't go according to plan, but the most important things did. I married my wonderful husband (yes, feel free to count how many times I still say that!) and we were surrounded by people who love us.

It was fun. I lost count of the number of times I was told to stop talking as people wanted to take my photo and my mouth was open. I'm thankful for my good friend who told everyone just to get me on the upswing. I am thankful that my brother survived the car accident a week before the wedding and was able to attend and escort my sister down the aisle. I am amazed that my cousin found the strength to come to the wedding and sat in the pew with her estranged father, and they have been talking since. I am even happier that she bought her entire family for lunch the next day, and my grandfather met some of his great grandchildren for the first time.

I am still laughing at my grandfather asking us for more great grandchildren less than 24 hours after we were married. I am still entertained by my other brother taking his very pregnant wife (due tomorrow!) for a dance and telling me that he was taking his wife and kid out for a spin.

My sister was surrounded by family. I was so glad that she has those memories as she has started teaching in Vietnam for at least 2 years. Looking at the photos in her apartment, I am so proud to see photos from the wedding stuck into her mirror.

Yes, that is me in the photo above. Everyone who has seen it has just laughed at it, and said it was so typically me. I think that is a good one to remove my anonymity with.