Friday, August 31, 2007

The big question

I'm babysitting my four and a half year old half sister tonight. I spoke to my stepmother last night, and apparently they had a battle royale at the supermarket yesterday. Princess 4 insisted on buying cat food just in case I bought my cat over to help babysit her. She was not happy when her mother said no. What will I tell her about why George won't be joining us?

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

In a broken nest there are few whole eggs

I'm sitting here looking at a DVD I need to watch. It has been sitting mutely on the coffee table next to the laptop reminding me that I need to watch it. If it had eyes, they would be big, brown puppy dog eyes.

It is very important to my father that I watch it. He hasn't said it in so many words, but he asked me for help to burn it, and I've been getting calls every couple of days from him, checking that I've burnt the DVD for myself OK. I'm not sure how to deal with him being this attentive. I don't think he has been this attentive toward me since I was 5.

He is in his fourth intensive week of PTSD counselling for Vietnam veterans. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday every week, he goes and works with a psychiatrist. From what he has said, I gather it is both group and individual sessions. He says he is enjoying it, and that he is getting a lot out of it. I'm very impressed that he is doing it, but I wonder how many of his issues can really be attributed to Vietnam.

I don't know who this man is. For the last 12 years or so, we have had a very distant relationship. We are very good at the family social events, we give the correct birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day presents. As one of my brothers so elegantly says, he is a great bloke to have a beer with, but you wouldn't want to be related to him. Before that, there was the mind numbing boredom of fortnightly access visits, with trips to the park, his work, or his friends homes, wherever he can find a way to have his access visit but not spend time with his children.

It wasn't always like this. Some of my most treasured photos are of the two of us sitting on top of a slide, of me leaning into my very hungover father next to the fishpond, of me toddling into the waves to pick up a ball and him hovering protectively near me. I remember sitting on a tram with him, going to kinder after we moved to our new house. It was so exciting. I guess the 70's really were a good decade. Somewhere along the line, I became less interesting. For a very long time, I've felt that I am only interesting or noteworthy when I'm involved with something that gets media coverage, or it fits into water cooler conversation. The worst thing is that I've let it continue. I think I've kept seeking out that approval, hoping that things I've done will make it into his "brag book".

I'm struggling to deal with these changes. I just found a way to manage my relationship with Dad, and he has changed the rules on me. I'm scared that if I open myself up to these changes, he will just hurt me again.

Thanks to Mike for the title to this post.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Monday, August 20, 2007

I can't find the Any Key

You know you have spent too long using a computer when you write something down, and when you need to write it again, you go looking for CTRL c to copy it. And then you get frustrated because you can't find it.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Spinning around

I feel like life is spinning faster and faster at the moment. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm struggling to find 5 minutes to myself. I'm being constantly bombarded by people wanting a piece of me, by noise, by committments. The phone rings, another email arrives, my mobile beeps to tell me I've got another message. I'm trying to keep my head above water and stay sane. Today it just feels too hard. I'm not that important or essential. The world will survive if I don't do everything right now.

I need to say NO more often. I need to drive home that when I say NO I mean it.

Sunday, August 05, 2007


I think I'm addicted to Facebook. I've been using it for about a month now and I'm having a bit too much fun with it. It has been just a bit much fun adding friends, sending items for gardens, buying my friends fish and drinks, and having way too much fun gossiping about people changing their relationship status.

Who are my friends on Facebook? My boy. My sister. Everyone in my team at work. My boss in Sydney. My friends from my old job. My sisters friends. People from school I haven't seen since my 21st birthday. My work clients. Friends I've lost touch with and haven't seen since they left the country in 1999. The HR consultant who employed me in my current job. Every single person on my list, I've met at least once.

MySpace is sooooo 2006. I keep getting random friend requests from people I've never heard of, and the amount of spam I get on MySpace is absurd. I'm just not interested. If it wasn't the only way I've got to keep in touch with some of my younger cousins, I wouldn't be there at all anymore. I prefer the layout of Facebook, so much cleaner. Nothing on Facebook has made me want to throw the screen out the window from the vile clashing of colours and flashing images.

I'm enjoying reconnecting with people I don't see enough. It has been really fun hearing about people I haven't seen for a very long time, and finding out just what they've been doing with their lives. Some of the choices have really surprised me, and some have done exactly what I thought they would. For me, the best bit is seeing people happy with the choices they have made. That or they are really good actors.