The performance review I won't be writing

You frustrate me.

I wish that you could show a shred of initiative. Initiative does not mean stonewalling or ignoring processes because you don't like them.

Smile. Your face won't crack.

The world isn't so bad. I bet something happened positive this week and you weren't so overworked after all. I know you aren't so overworked. I just took more than half of your workload off you and the person I gave it to is thriving.

There is no shame in asking questions. Ask as many as you need to until you are satisfied. Please for the love of God, ask the questions. The blank looks you give me drive me nuts. Conversation is a 2 way street.

There is no such folder as the too hard basket. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away. Not far anyway. Just to my desk. That doesn't make me happy. I spend more time soothing and apologising than I do solving the problem.

I am trying so hard to encourage you, bolster your confidence and give you the chance to learn. Take those chances.

I have accepted that you are going to plod. I'm lowering my expectations. Maybe then I won't be so frustrated by you.

Please just do your day to day and get it right. Don't then complain that you aren't getting opportunities. Opportunities come to those who go looking for them, not to those who sit there and complain about them.

Grace

I'm quite ashamed of myself and the way that I'm feeling right now.

I had a pretty ordinary week at work last week - I was either one or two staff down every day, and we've been fighting some pretty tight deadlines. The worst of these deadlines are as part of a project we have taken on as a favour and every single person involved has been calling me every 5 minutes, or emailing me and then calling before the email gets to me. Driving me crazy. Doing it as part of 13 - 14 hour days without breaks on top of my usual job has just been insane.

By the end of the week I was feeling really tired, very sore, and very resentful. I resented that they didn't appreciate we still had full time jobs to do, as well as organising their project. I was so frustrated that the constant calls from multiple people were giving conflicting requests and information. So very over it.

At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from the mail room. There was a package for me and I had to come and collect it. It was a massive bunch of lilies for me, thanking me for all my hard work.

They are just beautiful flowers, but every time I look at them on the mantelpiece, all I can think about is my frustration and resentment towards the people who sent them to me.

I ashamed of my lack of grace. They have made the effort to send me something beautiful to thank me, and all I am doing is resenting it.