The performance review I won't be writing

You frustrate me.

I wish that you could show a shred of initiative. Initiative does not mean stonewalling or ignoring processes because you don't like them.

Smile. Your face won't crack.

The world isn't so bad. I bet something happened positive this week and you weren't so overworked after all. I know you aren't so overworked. I just took more than half of your workload off you and the person I gave it to is thriving.

There is no shame in asking questions. Ask as many as you need to until you are satisfied. Please for the love of God, ask the questions. The blank looks you give me drive me nuts. Conversation is a 2 way street.

There is no such folder as the too hard basket. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away. Not far anyway. Just to my desk. That doesn't make me happy. I spend more time soothing and apologising than I do solving the problem.

I am trying so hard to encourage you, bolster your confidence and give you the chance to learn. Take those chances.

I have accepted that you are going to plod. I'm lowering my expectations. Maybe then I won't be so frustrated by you.

Please just do your day to day and get it right. Don't then complain that you aren't getting opportunities. Opportunities come to those who go looking for them, not to those who sit there and complain about them.

Grace

I'm quite ashamed of myself and the way that I'm feeling right now.

I had a pretty ordinary week at work last week - I was either one or two staff down every day, and we've been fighting some pretty tight deadlines. The worst of these deadlines are as part of a project we have taken on as a favour and every single person involved has been calling me every 5 minutes, or emailing me and then calling before the email gets to me. Driving me crazy. Doing it as part of 13 - 14 hour days without breaks on top of my usual job has just been insane.

By the end of the week I was feeling really tired, very sore, and very resentful. I resented that they didn't appreciate we still had full time jobs to do, as well as organising their project. I was so frustrated that the constant calls from multiple people were giving conflicting requests and information. So very over it.

At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from the mail room. There was a package for me and I had to come and collect it. It was a massive bunch of lilies for me, thanking me for all my hard work.

They are just beautiful flowers, but every time I look at them on the mantelpiece, all I can think about is my frustration and resentment towards the people who sent them to me.

I ashamed of my lack of grace. They have made the effort to send me something beautiful to thank me, and all I am doing is resenting it.

Rollercoaster

Well, it feels like forever and 6 weeks since the last time I posted to the blog. I've been appallingly flat out and slack.

My dad's 60th birthday party was a blast. I had the best time with my cousins. It is so good to have that connection - and scary to see how much genes will out. He was really happy with the music that I put together for him - really enjoyed it. We got a thank you letter from him in the mail on Friday - it really hurt that he signed it Regards. I feel sad that he can't admit to loving us.

My first week of the public speaking course went really well. I've never felt so comfortable standing up in front of complete strangers and speaking. I'm really looking forward to next week.

I'm so worried about my brother. He's had problems with alcohol for a long time, but it seems to be getting worse. I discovered yesterday that wines I've had cellared have gone missing. I'm devastated that he has broken my trust like this, and so worried and frustrated. He is the only one who can change his life. I can't do it for him, but it is breaking my heart to watch him throw his life away on the way to rock bottom.

I've been given a promotion at work. I'm really excited about it, as it gives me the development opportunities I've needed, as well as some challenges to keep my brain happy. That, and getting the chance to learn how to be a good manager.

We've had a pretty big scare with my stepfather's health lately. About 10 days ago I was having dinner with 2 of my best friends when my very drunk and slurry brother called me to tell me that our stepfather was being rushed to hospital with chest pains. Who knew I could get across town in 20 minutes legally. He was admitted into the cardio ward and was going to undergo a lot of tests the next day. I think my highlight was seeing my stepbrother threaten to have him declared mentally incompetent if he kept refusing the angiogram. Luckily he passed the angiogram with flying colours, so now he is running a gamut of other health tests to see what could have caused it. I'm not ready to lose someone I love. That 36 hours scared me. Badly. I've been telling lots of people I love them lately.

Lovely day

I didn't have to go the office today. Instead I spent today doing an intermediate Excel course. I had so much fun. Lots of what we covered I knew bits of, but I learnt so many useful shortcuts and finally understand some of the formulae that have been terrifying me for years. My not so inner geek had a wonderful time. The trainer even said to me at one point in front of the whole group "you are really enjoying this aren't you". Well yes. Loved it.

On the way home I stopped off at the gym and had a fantastic hour and a bit mixing up cardio and weights. I'm not sure if I've blogged about the gym, but I've been going most of this year and loving it. It really is the best destresser and high that I have. Not quite sure why I didn't do it sooner.

When I got home I had 2 letters, and neither of them had windows. Blessed relief! I got my new book from Amazon - The Fug Awards from those funny snarky Fug Girls. Best of all though, I had a letter confirming that my sponsor child in Burma is in the area which was not affected, and to the best of their knowledge is OK. I really hope so.

Calm

I had a very interesting drive to work yesterday morning after my night of bizarre dreams and futile coin tossing. Tossing coins and then responding with best of three, no, best of five, is not the way to make important decisions.

So, my trip to work too about 40 minutes longer than usual. Taxi drivers were protesting at a major intersection and the flow on effect hit all inbound roads. Sitting in traffic, listening to the radio, I found myself thinking that it would be really good if I had a Blackberry, cos that way I could get ahead of my work day.

Big red stop sign.

I don't want to have a Blackberry. I don't want to have a work laptop to use at home. I want my friends and family to be able to spend time with me. I don't want to end up feeling the way I did by the end of my last job. Those of you who have been around for a while probably remember that. A month after leaving there my mum told me that I was nice again. I don't want to go back to being that person.

I made a lot of people very happy yesterday. Most importantly, I made myself happy. My relationships are more important to me than work. I think I've finally learnt it. I know that I have workaholic tendencies - and I've been trying to shed them for a while. I don't need to have a 6 figure salary. I can support myself, put a little away for a rainy day, regularly support my charities of choice. Money is nice (ok, very nice), but the people in my life are more important.

Oh, and the little piece of professional satisfaction? Within five minutes of leaving my bosses office telling her that I would be staying I'd received a call from the CEO telling me how very happy he was that I was staying and promising to support further development and salary increases, 3 emails from different HR people, and a massive hug from the Sales Manager who was over the moon. I'm feeling very valued and appreciated.

Not very helpful

My subconscious mind is sacked. All it could give me last night was that the guy I used to work with who is now at the new company was going to ask me to marry him, and George W Bush is going to do an ad for a new small Nissan using the song Flathead by The Fratellis.

Not very helpful at all. Confused? Yes.

Introduction

Rock, meet hard place. I'm sorry I'm between you keeping you separated.

So, my work has been coming back with counter offers. Mainly around development rather than money at this stage. They are more interested in getting the development right for me, and ensuring that I'm happy and challenged and then working on the money. I must admit that I do like that approach. They have also asked me for a list of everything that I want in terms of remuneration so that we can work through it. They have also been flying senior management down from Sydney to talk to me about staying.

Today I had coffee with the MD of the company that really wants me. I put all my cards on the table. I told him that I needed to work through the options that I am being presented at my current employer so that I can walk away without any regrets. I need it to be right for me so I don't turn around in three months and say "I wish ... " So I got an email from him this evening. They have increased their salary offer by $10k per year, added in a laptop, CBD carpark and home high speed internet access. No fries though. My brother suggested that I get a playstation for him as well.

By this time tomorrow night the decision will be made. I suspect I will come down to the coin flip. Heads I stay, tails I go. My reaction when I see the coin will tell me everything I need to know.

The saga continues

So, I got to have my chat with the State Director today. It was really positive with her listening to what I had to say. It was good to have hear repeat everything back to make sure she was clear. Apparently I can expect a formal counter offer tomorrow. I also get to have a chat with the Victorian Sales Director tomorrow - he has some insight that he wants to share with me. He also wants to buy me coffee, and that buys a whole lotta listening. If he pouts or pulls puppy dog eyes on me again though, I'm outta there. Then I get to have a conference call with Sydney and 2 more managers there. That should be fun. Apparently HR want to have a chat with me too. Who knew it took this many people to try to keep me. I'm waiting for the partridge in the pear tree to be pulled out. That or the kitchen sink. Just one day of the process at a time. My official resignation date still sits as yesterday.

Jelly, no such thing as unsolicited advice - especially when I'm blogging it. I really appreciate everyones comments on this. It really does help to see things from a different perspective.

Take this job ...

I resigned today. It didn't go so well. My boss refused to accept my resignation, told me that me leaving was unthinkable and asked me what she needs to do to keep me. I talked her through my pro and con spreadsheet, and we are having a meeting again tomorrow to go through it. She is planning a counter offer.

It is important to me that we go through this process all the way - I want to leave on good terms, and the negotiation process is important. I can learn more too. If nothing else, the next person in my job will benefit. Look at me, all community minded. The part I'm most proud of is that the discussions aren't around money. Everything we have said is related to development, career progression and learning.

I don't think I've ever heard the word unthinkable so many times in 15 minutes. I felt like I'd kicked a puppy.

Guilt, isn't it fun.

Tomorrow is another day. Scarlett O'Hara I'm not.

If it's Sunday, I must have a dilemma

I've been offered a job. A very good job. A job that would give me a lot of very nice benefits as well as good mental challenges. Being the uber geek that I am, I've spent a lot of time with a spreadsheet listing the pros and cons of each company. I'm pretty confident that I've made my decision, but thought it wouldn't hurt to list them here too.

Company A
Pros
The team
A lot to learn from Sales Director and Group Sales Manager
Leave for September/October already approved
Close to public transport
Able to be flexible when necessary for appointments

Cons
Hate the way that I am feeling at work - seem to be constantly angry, frustrated, bitchy and cynical
Don't feel like I'm doing my job - always seem to be supporting systems, not doing what I'm paid for.
To grow in my career with the company means moving to Sydney
Very little support from Sydney - I have had a new manager in Sydney since the beginning of January and still have yet to meet him.

Company B
Pros
New challenges
Mentored into a management role by August
The team
Going back to more of a start up feel - have more input into systems and processes
Working with a legend in my industry (who I really like as a person)
My September/October leave will be honoured (and paid)
Close to public transport
Career Development without moving to Sydney
International support to deal with work when needed without staying back
Additional resources
Team has international experience - a lot of different things to learn

Cons
Have to establish myself in a new company
What if I suck as a manager?
How much extra will I be expected to do with a crackberry, or is it just for emergencies within specific times?
Not sure just how much flexibility I will have - a crackberry should do it though

So, what do you think? I haven't listed any salary or benefit options - I'm reasonably confident that my current employer will do anything they can salary wise to keep me, so I'm not factoring that in at all.

Snippets

My modem no longer has a drinking problem. It has had a feed of bacon, eggs and hash browns and been to rehab. I'm so pleased. Dial up isn't my friend, unless I"m really desperate.

While I've been away ...

Random men have been adding me as friends on Facebook. I guess it is one way for guys to meet women. On one hand, my ego loves the attention, but on the other hand, I think it is pretty creepy that they are trawling their friends profiles looking for women. I'm keeping my profile very limited, so only my friends can see the contents. And every friend I have I've met in person.

My family just got bigger. All of a sudden my mum is the youngest of 6 instead of the youngest of 3. My grandfather was a conman, with a taste for serial monogamy. His children have now identified 4 different names he used. Mum is very excited. I've lost count of all the excited phone calls and conversations with her. And the emails. My goodness. She is repeating herself a lot in her excitement. My stepfather is excited - he thinks he is going to see what mum will look like in 10 years.

Nothing new on the work front. They want me, but they can't afford me for a few more months. I don't know if I will go then - it will all depend. I might be happy again. Things may not feel as right as they did. They have poached my favourite sales guy though, and he is another good reason to go there.

My boyfriend's work hours have changed. They suck. He is now on the afternoon/evening shift. It is not relationship friendly. On the plus side, I get to have dinner with him on Sunday nights. On the minus side, I'm already noticing that the time we get to talk during the day is reduced. We are going to need to find a way to keep our communication up, because I'm noticing a difference and I don't like it. Any suggestions?

I'm madly working on the questions for the annual fund raiser for my parents church. This will either be the 4th or 5th year that we have done it, and it is really popular. I love doing the trivia nights, and have way too much fun trying to come up with evil questions.

No news is ... no news

I haven't heard anything about the job since Tuesday last week. I got a call on Monday asking for referees to do a reference check and then they would be making an offer. I emailed their contact details through on Tuesday morning and I haven't heard a word since from the headhunter. I've heard from a couple of the other guys who work in the headhunters office, just checking in to see how I'm going, but not from the main recruity guy. It seems quite odd that they chased me, but now nothing. The 2 guys who called me are friends of my brother, and promised him that they would look after me.

The longer it takes, the more ambivalent about it I am.

I haven't cared a huge amount about it over the last few days, as I've been in a lot of pain. With the surgery I had last month, apparently I've overdone it in the last few days and damaged some of the weak muscles in my stomach. I'm back to square one with what I can do until it heals properly. Who really wants clean clothes or a clean house? I got quite a stern telling off from my surgeons office yesterday when I called to check and see if there was anything else I should do following the GP's diagnosis. All I've done for the last 2 days is sit in a chair or lie on my bed. Bored! I'm so going back to work tomorrow before I go nuts. I don't think I'm quite ready to drive yet though.

Our holiday is getting closer and closer though - on Saturday we went and paid for everything outstanding except our hotels in Dublin and Singapore. Less than 7 months til we go now.

It could all end in tears ...

Well today was a complete piece of poo at work. I walked in and copped a barrage of flak from a salesperson and the day went downhill from there. It was one of those frustrating days where I couldn't spend more than 2 minutes focusing on something without someone appearing at my desk with a question or a demand. Then 2 minutes later they'd be back wanting to know why I hadn't finished the thing they'd asked for 10 minutes ago. Aaargh.

I got so frustrated that when I got asked something this afternoon I pulled one of the managers into a meeting room and burst into tears at him. I told him that I was ready to walk out and not come back. It actually turned into an impromptu meeting where he took 3 pages of notes and we started brainstorming solutions. What started with me being really frustrated with my day and even more frustrated with bursting into tears ended up being really constructive. I think a few bottoms are going to be kicked.

He said that he doesn't want to lose me, and will do pretty much anything to ensure that I stay and I'm happy. I told him that I was hearing from headhunters and that some of the options were very tempting, offering me the chance to spend more time on what I enjoy and less time putting out fires and babysitting adults.

Meanwhile, in the headhunting world, they are checking my references. I've got no idea why they specifically requested me, and now are checking my references. I'm bewildered and still no closer to a decision.

I suspect I'm having some post anaesthetic blues too. I'm sure that doesn't help.

Hmmmm ...

I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm bored and I'm not very happy. I haven't managed to show up for work on time yet and I'm watching the clock to see if it is time to get out of there yet. That isn't good. It is bad for me, and it is very bad for my employer. I know when I'm around other people like that, it becomes infectious. I walked through the door yesterday morning, and just got so depressed.

I got to work, and immediately had to start putting out fires. I can do it, but there is no challenge. I'm frustrated because these problems arose just after I went on leave, and they've left them for me to fix. When all it takes is one phone call and the problem is fixed, I don't understand why it couldn't be done in my absence. I'm even more frustrated because I was called at home about it, and I told them who to call. Grrrr!

I have 2 choices, I can stay where I am now and know that I will be busy, but my mind won't be challenged. I've learnt all that I can in my current role, and any advancement in this area within the company means I need to move to Sydney. There isn't enough money in the world to make me move to Sydney - I don't want to live there, and the distance from my family, friends and support network isn't worth it. Or, I can keep investigating this head hunter option. They are really keen. Everyone there I have met I do like, and they are talking about options for me in the future. They are building a succession plan and they want me in it. I have been asked to meet with someone else from the company tomorrow to talk further about it. I'm interested. Even if this company doesn't pan out, I think it is time for me to look at other options.

Onwards and upwards. I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. Nothing is keeping me in one path forever.

Ruminating

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

Guilt

Aren't the flowers absolutely gorgeous? They were delivered to me this evening from my lovely colleagues, with the message "Hope you're feeling better! We all miss you and can't wait to have you back! Things are definitely less interesting without you! Love from all your peeps"

While I've been recuperating, I've been fielding a lot of calls from headhunters. I think I might suggest to my boss that putting mobile numbers on our business cards makes it very easy for headhunters to find us. One company has been really persistent. They sent me through the position description for the company that asked for me by name (yes, ego is very happy!) and I'm seriously tempted. I met with the person who would be my boss today. She is a legend in our industry and I didn't want to pass that chance up.

The job that they want me for is a step up from my current role, but keeps most of my favourite parts. The salary package is an improvement, and has some pretty good benefits I don't currently have. I'm tempted. Very tempted. This would do wonders for my career. I'd be challenged too, and could learn a lot more.

I don't know though. Am I running away from where I work now without fully resolving my work life balance issues? Will a new job help me change things? Is this the right time in my life to make this change? Do I want to deal with new work challenges now or do I want to really focus on getting myself healthy and balanced? Can I get these opportunities where I am now? Am I going to be putting work ahead of myself again? But I'm starting to get bored at work too. I could almost phone it in some days.

I'm torn. I know I can have the job if I want it. I just don't know if I want it or not.

My name is thisisme, and I'm a workaholic

I've been reverting to my workaholic habits again. Every day this week I've been sitting at my desk before 8 am, several before 7.30 am. I left work at 6.50 tonight. My earliest finish for the week. I took 20 minutes for lunch today too, so I've been really slack. I took a personal phone call too.

I don't want to turn back into the person I was 15 months ago. I'm tired. Naturally. I'm dreaming about work and getting frustrated. On the plus side, it did solve a problem that has been bugging me for months. I'm snappy. I know I'm doing it, and I hate it, but I think I've forgotten how to stop. My weekends are too short. I'm trying to pack in a whole world of life into the weekend. I think about packing it all in and becoming a checkout chick. All care and no responsibility. I'm not happy right now.

I love my early mornings and late finishes. They are the most productive parts of my day. My day goes downhill about 9 when all the questions start, and really improves about 5. It sounds egotistical, but I know I'm good at my job. I know that I wouldn't have the demands on me if I wasn't. The problem I'm facing now is that I've created a monster. I have ideas and suggestions, so my colleagues use them. I'm so busy helping them to their job, I'm struggling to get mine done.

I need some help here. I'm losing the balance I was starting to build in my life. I was lying in bed last night looking at my day. I got up, I had a shower and washed my hair, had coffee and breakfast while I was online, drove to work, worked, took 10 minutes to grab lunch to eat at my desk, worked, drove home, tried not to strangle my landlord, had a glass of wine, put on a face mask, watched TV and was online (yes, those 4 were concurrent. Multitasking anyone?), and went to bed. Did I make anyone happy? What made me happy (besides my call with the boy on my way home)? Did I add value to anyone's life yesterday? I know I made one of the richest men in the world richer. Wow, that's an achievement.

Help me out here. What helps you find balance? How do you stop work from being all consuming? What makes you happy? What helps you stop the world and take time?

The Catch Up

Sydney was full on. My flight was delayed more than any flight should be delayed. We boarded on time, but then we had mechanical problems. Not really something you want to hear when you have to stay on the plane. On the plus side, I read all but the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince on the plane in preparation for Deathly Hallows. We had gorgeous, crisp, sunny days though. Just the way I want to spend the time on the harbour. Most exciting from a professional point of view - I won the award for best sales person in an operational role for the 2006 - 7 financial year. I was thrilled to get it - the decision is made by the state and national managers and the other nominees were all people I really rate. That and I've only been there since November. Nice people to give me a shopping voucher. Time for a freezer and a blender I think. Or books. Or shoes.

It's taken the best part of two weeks to catch up with everybody's blogs. I think I've finally caught up on everything I've missed. My highlight - Millie the dog. Thanks Jelly, you put a massive smile on my face.

We went and saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It didn't really do it for me. I think it was probably one of the harder books to put on the screen. How do you put all that whiny teenage boy stuff on screen? Still, I think it left way too much important stuff out. C-

Last night we saw The Simpsons movie. It was fun. I'm not sure it deserved the standing ovation it got at the end though. I was very unhappy to see the preview for the movie "The Dark is Rising". I'm not happy about it at all. I think they've completely messed with the premise. I adore those books. I'm furious that they have messed with them. I'm sure I'll have a full rant about it in the fullness of time.

I've been working with my brother and his fiance to put the music together for their wedding in September. We've nearly got all the music together for dinner, and we are just working the dancing part. Way too much fun. They are doing their bridal waltz to Billy Joel's "just the way you are". I'm not sure who was more disturbed though; my brother's fiance when he asked for some Whitesnake, or my brother when I showed him that I had the song he wanted on my ipod.

My gorgeous boy was worried that I wouldn't approve of the suit that he was planning to wear for the wedding. He doesn't wear a suit for work, and might wear a suit about 3 times a year. It turns out he only has the one suit, and he has owned it for 10 years. He is right, I didn't approve of it. He took it quite well, although he said that he was hoping to hear "honey, your suit is fine". So today he suggested that we go and have a look for suits, although he wanted to go to one specific shop to buy it. OK then. So we wandered around a few shops, and in one got some exceptional service. He was measured up, and pointed in the direction of suits that fitted his criteria. He looks damn sexy in his new black, 3 button, single breasted suit, with his new palest lilac shirt, and new diagonally striped tie. No nagging required :)

I bought only one thing today - a 3 DVD set for $19.99 - The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Weird Science.

What does this week hold? The Gwen Stefani concert, a screening of Amazing Grace (now I know what happened to Youssou N'Dour), training up my new assistant at work, a family dinner for my lovely stepfathers birthday, finding that last beetle in Virtual Villagers: The Lost Children, setting up the new DVD player for my parents, trying to restrict my Crackbook time.

On the road again

Time for another trip to Sydney. I feel like I've just come back and it is time to go again.

Several years ago, I toyed with moving to Sydney. I'd recently ended a 3 year relationship, my best friend was living in Sydney, I'd had some pretty full on medical problems, I'd been in a bit of a financial mess, I was tired of living at home with my family for medical and financial reasons, and I was frustrated and bored at work. Sydney looked like an exciting, easy way to change my life. I would be living in a bigger city where no one knew me and I could reinvent myself. I would be free of the history people in Melbourne have for me. I could be the exotic one, flying in for obligations, but with an easy out. Oh no, I can't stay, I have a plane to catch. See me run.

The more I think about it, I'm glad I didn't run. And running it would have been. I've rebuilt, restored, enhanced my relationships. I've strengthened my support system. I have history with the people in my life.

This isn't the post I meant to write tonight, but it is the post that has been written. So, I'm off to Sydney for a few days. I'll be back at work on Friday lunchtime, and I'll be home Friday night.

I have learnt ...

not to describe people who drive me nuts at work as incompetent boobs.

It freaks out the young ones and gives rise to many bra jokes.