Yes, I do still exist

I have been horribly slack. I've been slightly distracted by our wedding and honeymoon. Now I'm working on returning to normal life. I'm getting there, but there are days I think I would rather be on a beach in Thailand, or running around at our wedding radiating joy.

Our wedding was truly wonderful. So much of the day didn't go according to plan, but the most important things did. I married my wonderful husband (yes, feel free to count how many times I still say that!) and we were surrounded by people who love us.

It was fun. I lost count of the number of times I was told to stop talking as people wanted to take my photo and my mouth was open. I'm thankful for my good friend who told everyone just to get me on the upswing. I am thankful that my brother survived the car accident a week before the wedding and was able to attend and escort my sister down the aisle. I am amazed that my cousin found the strength to come to the wedding and sat in the pew with her estranged father, and they have been talking since. I am even happier that she bought her entire family for lunch the next day, and my grandfather met some of his great grandchildren for the first time.

I am still laughing at my grandfather asking us for more great grandchildren less than 24 hours after we were married. I am still entertained by my other brother taking his very pregnant wife (due tomorrow!) for a dance and telling me that he was taking his wife and kid out for a spin.

My sister was surrounded by family. I was so glad that she has those memories as she has started teaching in Vietnam for at least 2 years. Looking at the photos in her apartment, I am so proud to see photos from the wedding stuck into her mirror.

Yes, that is me in the photo above. Everyone who has seen it has just laughed at it, and said it was so typically me. I think that is a good one to remove my anonymity with.

The performance review I won't be writing

You frustrate me.

I wish that you could show a shred of initiative. Initiative does not mean stonewalling or ignoring processes because you don't like them.

Smile. Your face won't crack.

The world isn't so bad. I bet something happened positive this week and you weren't so overworked after all. I know you aren't so overworked. I just took more than half of your workload off you and the person I gave it to is thriving.

There is no shame in asking questions. Ask as many as you need to until you are satisfied. Please for the love of God, ask the questions. The blank looks you give me drive me nuts. Conversation is a 2 way street.

There is no such folder as the too hard basket. Ignoring things doesn't make them go away. Not far anyway. Just to my desk. That doesn't make me happy. I spend more time soothing and apologising than I do solving the problem.

I am trying so hard to encourage you, bolster your confidence and give you the chance to learn. Take those chances.

I have accepted that you are going to plod. I'm lowering my expectations. Maybe then I won't be so frustrated by you.

Please just do your day to day and get it right. Don't then complain that you aren't getting opportunities. Opportunities come to those who go looking for them, not to those who sit there and complain about them.

I need a little vent

Our wedding is on July 3. In about 48 days.

All of our invitations have been sent out and we are starting to receive some wonderful RSVP's. We made an effort when we did our invitations to make sure that all the adults received separate invitations, even if they lived under the same roof, and that the 5 children we are inviting received their own invitations. I used to hate being lumped into an entity with my brother when we shared a house, and I still remember the excitement of being 6 and getting my own mail. I'm getting a tad irate though - first my father told me that I shouldn't have bothered sending my small sister her own invitation as it was too expensive. Today the best man asked why he was invited, and told us that we should not have bothered to separately invite his children and his parents. Aaaaaargh. Total extra cost was less than $5, and if someone is worth inviting to our wedding, it is worth inviting them properly. I've just been flabbergasted by the rudeness - why on earth must they complain. We could always uninvite them. I guess if this is the worst I have to complain about, life isn't too bad.

On the plus side, the cake is going to be delicious. Raspberry chocolate. Yum. Yum. Yum. We tasted it on Saturday and fell in love with an inanimate object. All our paperwork is done. Our premartial counselling is all booked in. I always said that I wouldn't get married without it, and I'm not.

And my dress is beautiful. I feel so comfortable, and yet like a princess in it.

The countdown is on ...

Home

I've been really remiss in posting lately, but I seem to have been flat out crazy busy. Since my last post I've run a trivia night, sent off our wedding invitations and had a lovely month settling into our home with my gorgeous man.

It feels like home now. Tonight I was organising dinner for tomorrow night, and it just felt so right that I was standing in our kitchen chopping vegetables for the shepherd's pie. Yesterday we went plant shopping, and I was so excited to get a double grafted lemon and lime tree. I miss my lemon tree from my old house, but I'm very pleased to say that the rosemary has thrived. It is fun planning our weeks and our time together. And our time apart.

I'm sure we have hideous couply moments, but right now, everything is good.

2.30

Throbbing, constant throbbing. I can feel every blood vessel in my body when my heart beats. I want to tear out the offending part. Destroy the source of pain.

Collapsing in the chair, I look up and beg "Make the pain stop"

"You have an abscess under that tooth. You will need a root canal"

End of an era

We settled on our new house last Wednesday. We spent the weekend painting and working out the best way to set up the rooms. We move house on Saturday. I have soooooo much packing still to do.

Tonight on my way to the gym my brother stopped me. He said that he has just realised that tomorrow night is his last chance to tease the cat. When I said that he is welcome to visit and tease the cat whenever he likes he told me that it isn't the same.

I'm so excited about the future and our life together, but right now I'm having a little cry.

It has really hit me tonight that I won't be living with my brother anymore. He is my closest sibling. Always has been and always will be. He is 2 years, 9 hours and 11 minutes younger than me. I know that he will always be there for me, but I'm not going to have that daily contact anymore.

I will miss that.

I want him to be happy. He isn't at the moment. I can't make that happen for him. I worry about him.

I will miss him.

*Oh, and teasing the cat - more like spending hours patting him, scratching his belly and talking to him. Definitely not a case for the RSPCA.

Rollercoaster

I am completely and utterly relieved. My friends and family are all safe. Some property is still in doubt, but the irreplaceable is safe.

I am overwhelmed by the scale of the destruction. Places I have loved are now all gone. Other places I love are still under threat.

I feel a part of my heart breaking when I hear the burnt out ask people not to donate fridges and microwaves. "The thought is nice, but it reminds me I have nowhere to put them". My heart breaks again when I hear an appeal for suits so that people have something to wear to the funerals.

I hope that those who started these fires have enough flames when they burn in hell.

I want to give, and give, and give to this appeal