Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Smacked by hypocrisy

I was driving home tonight listening to PM on the ABC with Kim Beazley talking about John Howard's visit to Indonesia. To paraphrase, Kim is disappointed with John Howard (admittedly, so am I for many reasons) for not being strong enough in his demands to Indonesia to restrict or curtail the movements of Abu Bakar Bashir. See the full story here - http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200606/s1673211.htm

Is this the same Opposition Leader who objects to Indonesia telling Australia how to formulate immigration policy?

Surely, on the one hand, demanding one government stay out of Australian affairs and policy, and then on the other hand objecting to insufficient interference in the affairs of the same sovereign country smacks of hypocrisy.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

The race that knows Joseph

When I was a kid, I loved the Anne of Green Gables series of books by LM Montgomery. I'm not so sure why, but the first one was my least favourite. Not sure why, but I digress. I've been rereading Anne's House of Dreams this weekend and find myself captivated again by Miss Cornelia's description of people as "the race that knows Joseph" This is people that think like us and that we like the company of.

I really felt the phrase is pertinent to me right now. To explain, my brother has recently become engaged to his girlfriend of a couple of years. I'm thrilled for him, because I know that she makes him happy, and gives him some stability. My challenge though, is that I like her, and think she is nice (damning with faint praise I know), but I struggle with her. Whenever we have a conversation, it never gets beyond questions and answers - there is no easy flow of ideas or conversation. I'm sure it goes both ways too - I watch her with my sister, and they don't seem to have this problem. I don't think it is a resentment of someone else coming into my close family, because I've had great relationships with my brother's other girlfriends, and my sisters boyfriends. It isn't an age thing either - she is only a couple of years younger than me, and I have a much better relationship with my sister's boyfriend who is more than 10 years younger than me.

It is funny, because people I love, whose opinion's I respect, who have a shared background and enough shared sensibility with me, have a great relationship with her, but I'm still at the acquaintance level with her, and I don't know how to kick it up to the next level. I guess I just keep trying, and make sure that my brother doesn't realise. I don't want him to be hurt, or feel that he has to choose between us. If we stay at acquaintance level so be it, but I'll just keep trying.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Things that make me happy today

In no particular order, these are things that have made me happy today.

1. 2 day old leftover bolognaise sauce on toast for lunch - the garlic and the chilli have kicked in and it was good.
2. Curling up next to the heater with a cup of tea, a trashy magazine and my cat.
3. Listening to the rain outside. We haven't had enough rain lately, and I love to listen to it coming down, especially when I'm warm and cosy inside.
4. Waking up slowly in a nice warm bed, and being greeted with a smile and a cuddle.
5. Feeling virtuous about having changed the sheets, and knowing that the bed is already made ready for tonight.

And then, the mood breaker - the phone rings, and it is a telemarketer from AAPT trying to get me to change phone companies. It is Saturday people - my time - if I want to be sold something I will go to the shops - aargh!!! I'm not going to give these people the power to ruin my mood. I won't.

6. My new clothes. I found a cool store on ebay that is selling some gorgeous stuff - and I've got 3 new tops lately for under $120. I'm loving my scarlet wraparound top, and my black layered top. Nothing like putting on something you feel good in to lift your mood. Having said that, I'm actually wearing my favourite hot pink jumper today - warm and happy.
7. Invitations to celebrations. I'm not sure how I managed it, but I've got a stack of friends who have birthdays right now. I'm loving celebrating their special day with them, and knowing that I am special enough to them to have them want to share their day. Convoluted sentence, but I hope it makes sense!!!
8. The really special night I had last night - you know who you are, you know what we did!
9. We have passed the winter solstice - the daylight every day is going to keep getting longer again. I love daylight!
10. I can hear a kookaburra right now - yay!

Please just let it be good

tigtog made my day yesterday with this post. I was just a little excited, and then started thinking about how disappointed I would be if it sucked. I guess I'll be really happy if there is a tongue in cheek reference early in the piece to jumping the shark - that for me would do it.

But then I went back and visited twistys bj wars too. Definitely food for thought. I'm always fascinated reading what so many others have to say about their sexual experiences/beliefs, and then I tend to think just a little bit more about what I think and believe, and equally important, actually do, and wonder whether or not I'm deluding myself, or whether they are beliefs/mores that I can continue to live with. Around the bj wars, for most of my life it isn't something that I've enjoyed, even though, when I have, I've been told that I'm really good at it. Nice for the ego, but pretty painful to think about when I read some of the comments. I've evolved a little now, and only do it when I'm in the mood, but will then take it all the way. It isn't something that I can do casually - it will only happen when I trust someone and feel comfortable with them. I enjoy doing it, and enjoy bringing pleasure to someone I care about. I've been thinking about it since I read the posts, and I can live with that.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

What a wonderful day

What a gorgeous day. For the first time all week I feel like a human being. I'd love to say it is because of the weather that my mood has lifted, and I'm a lot less mopey, but another Melbourne grey day didn't do it for me. I feel like a human being, and I'm feeling loved again. My mother told me off for not telling her I hadn't been well - she was prepared to come over and look after me until I felt better. Funny how much better your Mum can make you feel, even when you are 32. I found this photo on my phone too - I took it last year in autumn in Sherbrooke forest - looking up through the trees at the sky - it made me smile then, and it makes me smile now. It's all good.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Good day, bad day

A day of ups and downs. Today has been my second day in a row off work - I started off yesterday with a pretty vile migraine, and today, I was just so drained, I just needed to sleep. Some of it was probably emotional too, after the whole pregnancy test thing. So I slept, and slept, and slept, and then tried to get the boy to come over after he finished work. Didn't happen - he is so good with the sweet words - wants me to look after myself, wishes that he lived closer so he could look after me, poor angel, I wish you were feeling better, but when it really counts, and I just want the time with him, just for a hug, he has other stuff that he needs to do. I know that he has a pretty messed up family/household situation, but I think that I deserve a little bit of time too. I'm starting to wonder how much of it comes down to me and deserving love - back to yesterday's comments.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Just another day

I've started writing this while I wait for a pregnancy test to come up with a result. I know this is a strange way to wait, but right now, I can't think of another. I'm doing the test today as about 4 people have asked me in the last week if I'm pregnant, and it is about 6 weeks since my last period. Not that that is anything strange. I don't know what I want the result to be. I've just checked the stick, and it is negative - and now I have really mixed feelings. One part of me is relieved, because I don't think that I am in the best situation possible to bring a child into the world - I don't have the world's most ideal relationship (I know, who does?!), I'm certainly not financially secure at the level I would like to be at before having children, and I'm sure not physically in the best shape to have a child. That, and I'm not the greatest at taking care of myself, let alone anyone else. But right now, a much bigger part of me wants to be pregnant. I'm really jealous of my friends and family who have kids, and love being the (surrogate) aunt to them all. I'm only just holding it together when people tell me that I should have kids, or I would make a great mum.

Then I start to wonder, do I only want to be a mum so that I feel like someone loves me unconditionally. Why do I feel so unlovable that I need to create my own person to love me? Surely I need to love myself first. The big question though, is how do I do that? How do I trust that I am lovable? Wow, talk about the big questions. And yet, still I don't have the answers.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

This is me

Well, I've been thinking about doing this for ages, and tonight I've bitten the bullet and finally done it. Who am I? I'm in my 30's, live with my cat, sort of single (more about that later), and have some serious weight and self esteem issues. Oh boy, that is the first time that I've ever admitted that - I guess the anonymity of this gives me the courage. I work full time, have a lot of acquaintances, a very few close friends, and a very odd, yet very loving family.