Rollercoaster

Well, it feels like forever and 6 weeks since the last time I posted to the blog. I've been appallingly flat out and slack.

My dad's 60th birthday party was a blast. I had the best time with my cousins. It is so good to have that connection - and scary to see how much genes will out. He was really happy with the music that I put together for him - really enjoyed it. We got a thank you letter from him in the mail on Friday - it really hurt that he signed it Regards. I feel sad that he can't admit to loving us.

My first week of the public speaking course went really well. I've never felt so comfortable standing up in front of complete strangers and speaking. I'm really looking forward to next week.

I'm so worried about my brother. He's had problems with alcohol for a long time, but it seems to be getting worse. I discovered yesterday that wines I've had cellared have gone missing. I'm devastated that he has broken my trust like this, and so worried and frustrated. He is the only one who can change his life. I can't do it for him, but it is breaking my heart to watch him throw his life away on the way to rock bottom.

I've been given a promotion at work. I'm really excited about it, as it gives me the development opportunities I've needed, as well as some challenges to keep my brain happy. That, and getting the chance to learn how to be a good manager.

We've had a pretty big scare with my stepfather's health lately. About 10 days ago I was having dinner with 2 of my best friends when my very drunk and slurry brother called me to tell me that our stepfather was being rushed to hospital with chest pains. Who knew I could get across town in 20 minutes legally. He was admitted into the cardio ward and was going to undergo a lot of tests the next day. I think my highlight was seeing my stepbrother threaten to have him declared mentally incompetent if he kept refusing the angiogram. Luckily he passed the angiogram with flying colours, so now he is running a gamut of other health tests to see what could have caused it. I'm not ready to lose someone I love. That 36 hours scared me. Badly. I've been telling lots of people I love them lately.

Uncomfortable

I had a very disquieting experience when I got home tonight. I had been to the supermarket, reversed into the driveway and popped the boot of the car. I talked to my brother through the back window about the shopping, opened the door and had a door to door salesman appear out of nowhere as I got out of the car. He stood there just watching me with his clipboard held up against his chest.

He told me that he was there as a representative of the energy distributor, and that they had received complaints about my current energy supplier charging more than the agreed amount. He then told me my full name, how long I had been with my current energy supplier and who they were. He then told me the rates that I should be paying, and that anything else was too much.

I told him that I wasn't interested, and asked him to leave, but he refused and kept talking. He put his clipboard down and started writing on it. I saw that his shirt said the name of another company. I asked him about it and he said he worked from the company written on his shirt, and he was there at the request of my energy supplier. I asked to see some identification and he said he didn't have any. I knew the name of the company on his shirt - I've had multiple telemarketing calls from them in the past. I've disproved some of the stuff they've told me then too.

I asked him to wait where he was so I could take my shopping inside - some of it was frozen/cold and it was still 32 degrees out (celsius). I hadn't even got past the front hall before he was at the front door wanting me to change electricity company. I dumped the shopping, checked the electricity bill - I just paid it so it was still sitting waiting for me to file it, told him the numbers he was giving me were irrelevant and to go away. He kept talking, and I asked him to leave or I would call the police. He didn't move.

I was really scared, and didn't know if my brother was home as his car wasn't in the driveway or out the front of the house. I've never been so pleased to see a looming 6 foot man in my life. I was less pleased when he told the man to go away, and then said that this is the third time I've had to say it.

I don't like complete strangers knowing that much detail about me, and I certainly don't want to have them staking out my house waiting for my return.

Tomorrow's to do list - call the energy distributor and the energy supplier. Not happy Jan.

Ruminating

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

Irrational

Every time I get into the lift at work I'm convinced that I will drop my security pass and car keys down the gap at the front of the lift. Even when they are both in my handbag, I still have to feel around so that I am holding on to them in case I drop them.

I always scuttle right to the back of the lift, but even so, I can't let go of them until I am safely at my desk or at my car. It probably doesn't help that it is a two lift trip from the carpark to my desk.

Help me feel like I'm not completely nuts - tell me your irrational fears.

Power and Responsibility

The boy told me last night that I'm the only person in the world who can make him feel the best he can possibly be, and the only person in the world who can make him feel less than a piece of dirt. That is a lot of power to hold, and the responsibility scares the hell out of me.

I would never intentionally hurt him for the world, and I hate the thought that I've ever made him feel like that. Words are very scary things.

At the same time, I'm exultant that I can make him feel the best he can possibly be.