Tuesday, August 23, 2011

When do you stop?

How do you know enough is enough?

I've been asking myself that since June 30th, the date of our first IVF pregnancy test. The negative one. The earth shattering one. The one which shook my world and left me shattered, wailing. I don't know how many times I can go through that. The depth of my reaction surprised me. I'd spent 2 weeks telling myself that it hadn't worked, and I wasn't pregnant, but that little kernel of hope was stronger than I knew, or had let myself believe.

When you have your mandatory pre IVF counselling appointment, when is enough enough is not something you talk about. You talk about what happens with any embryos if one of you dies while you still have some frozen, what do you do if you have finished your family and still have embryos, and the big one, how do you feel about being infertile. For the record, both of us left the decision to the survivor, I went with donate to an infertile couple or research, he went with research or destroy, and for me bereft, for him guilty.

We talked about enough before we started, and were feeling that one cycle was probably enough - use all embryos from the first harvest and leave it at that. We didn't base it on any specific logic, more around the unknown and a combination of money and my age. I don't know if that is right for me now.

I'm not the only person in this relationship. There are 2 of us in this marriage, and decisions like this cannot be made by only one. We are talking about it. The conversation happens at least once a week, and is still very much an exploration of ideas and what ifs. We don't have to decide yet, but it is there. Neither of us wants to close the door on having a family, but is this the only way?

All we can do for now is be the best aunt and uncle we can be to our gorgeous niece and nephew, the best big sister and brother in law to my 8 year old sister, the best surrogate aunt and uncle to other small people in our lives and hope that nature, my body and all the good wishes and prayers we have for us combine to make the current round a success.

Most importantly, we have each other.


Jackie said...

I cried...knowing in a vicarious sort of way all the emotions you are dealing with. I watched my baby daughter, and feeling so helpless with her being in the same situation. She and her sweet husband found their answer. I'm praying that you find your's...and,I'm confident that you will.

thisisme said...

The helplessness is the hardest part for all of us. As 2 not very reformed control freaks, it is hard to have to wait and not be able to influence anything. We are lucky though, we have each other, and some amazingly supportive family and friends.