Hmmmm ...

I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm bored and I'm not very happy. I haven't managed to show up for work on time yet and I'm watching the clock to see if it is time to get out of there yet. That isn't good. It is bad for me, and it is very bad for my employer. I know when I'm around other people like that, it becomes infectious. I walked through the door yesterday morning, and just got so depressed.

I got to work, and immediately had to start putting out fires. I can do it, but there is no challenge. I'm frustrated because these problems arose just after I went on leave, and they've left them for me to fix. When all it takes is one phone call and the problem is fixed, I don't understand why it couldn't be done in my absence. I'm even more frustrated because I was called at home about it, and I told them who to call. Grrrr!

I have 2 choices, I can stay where I am now and know that I will be busy, but my mind won't be challenged. I've learnt all that I can in my current role, and any advancement in this area within the company means I need to move to Sydney. There isn't enough money in the world to make me move to Sydney - I don't want to live there, and the distance from my family, friends and support network isn't worth it. Or, I can keep investigating this head hunter option. They are really keen. Everyone there I have met I do like, and they are talking about options for me in the future. They are building a succession plan and they want me in it. I have been asked to meet with someone else from the company tomorrow to talk further about it. I'm interested. Even if this company doesn't pan out, I think it is time for me to look at other options.

Onwards and upwards. I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. Nothing is keeping me in one path forever.

Sunday Morning

Drowsing, vaguely aware that the world is moving on without me. I feel the weight of the covers on me but they are comfortable, neither too heavy nor too light. I open my eyes, but there is no reason to keep them that way. I slip back into unconsciousness. I'll get out of bed later.

Ruminating

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

Guilt

Aren't the flowers absolutely gorgeous? They were delivered to me this evening from my lovely colleagues, with the message "Hope you're feeling better! We all miss you and can't wait to have you back! Things are definitely less interesting without you! Love from all your peeps"

While I've been recuperating, I've been fielding a lot of calls from headhunters. I think I might suggest to my boss that putting mobile numbers on our business cards makes it very easy for headhunters to find us. One company has been really persistent. They sent me through the position description for the company that asked for me by name (yes, ego is very happy!) and I'm seriously tempted. I met with the person who would be my boss today. She is a legend in our industry and I didn't want to pass that chance up.

The job that they want me for is a step up from my current role, but keeps most of my favourite parts. The salary package is an improvement, and has some pretty good benefits I don't currently have. I'm tempted. Very tempted. This would do wonders for my career. I'd be challenged too, and could learn a lot more.

I don't know though. Am I running away from where I work now without fully resolving my work life balance issues? Will a new job help me change things? Is this the right time in my life to make this change? Do I want to deal with new work challenges now or do I want to really focus on getting myself healthy and balanced? Can I get these opportunities where I am now? Am I going to be putting work ahead of myself again? But I'm starting to get bored at work too. I could almost phone it in some days.

I'm torn. I know I can have the job if I want it. I just don't know if I want it or not.

Dusk

Bobbing amidst the incoming tide, trying to cool down after another scorcher, watching the horizon cloud over.

Fingers of light curl over the cloud, trying to snatch at the final fragments of the dying day. The pink horizon gradually fades to a soft purple, and then to the muted blue of night.

Day is done.

Home again

I've made it home again. I feel as if I've been living in another land, where time travels slowly but the outside world continues at normal pace. I don't really believe it is only Wednesday.

My surgery went well, even though I made my best effort to sabotage it. My arms are covered with various holes and bruises from my various drips, with the bruising made worse by me pulling things out in surgery and recovery. I plead unconsciousness as an excuse.

The night of my surgery I was kept in Intensive Care. I felt like such a fraud. My body was sore and my blood pressure was a bit low, but I was coherent and capable of walking and taking care of my basic needs.

It is a strange feeling being the healthiest person on a ward of very sick people. At night, I could hear every conversation that the staff had, including the Nurse Unit Manager arranging a funeral home to pick up someone who had died that day, the hospital gossip without which no hospital is complete, the soothing of fractious patients, and the beeping of the myriad machines.

I'm glad to be home. I'm gladder still that I'm not going back to work until the 29th and that I'm going to give my body the time it needs to recover. I'm gladdest about all the messages that I received - from you guys, my colleagues, my friends and most importantly my family - all wishing me the best recovery possible. Thank you.

Offline

I'm going to be offline for the next few days. I'm heading into hospital this morning for a procedure that should enormously improve my quality of life. Of course, the downside is that I won't have internet access :) Oh poor me.

Take care of yourselves, and I'll catch up with you all when I'm home.