Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Just another day

I've started writing this while I wait for a pregnancy test to come up with a result. I know this is a strange way to wait, but right now, I can't think of another. I'm doing the test today as about 4 people have asked me in the last week if I'm pregnant, and it is about 6 weeks since my last period. Not that that is anything strange. I don't know what I want the result to be. I've just checked the stick, and it is negative - and now I have really mixed feelings. One part of me is relieved, because I don't think that I am in the best situation possible to bring a child into the world - I don't have the world's most ideal relationship (I know, who does?!), I'm certainly not financially secure at the level I would like to be at before having children, and I'm sure not physically in the best shape to have a child. That, and I'm not the greatest at taking care of myself, let alone anyone else. But right now, a much bigger part of me wants to be pregnant. I'm really jealous of my friends and family who have kids, and love being the (surrogate) aunt to them all. I'm only just holding it together when people tell me that I should have kids, or I would make a great mum.

Then I start to wonder, do I only want to be a mum so that I feel like someone loves me unconditionally. Why do I feel so unlovable that I need to create my own person to love me? Surely I need to love myself first. The big question though, is how do I do that? How do I trust that I am lovable? Wow, talk about the big questions. And yet, still I don't have the answers.

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