Merry Christmas

I hope you all have a safe and happy Christmas. Enjoy the time with your family.

The unfortunate incident of the cat in the night time

So the crescent moon, Jupiter and Venus are making a smiley face in the night sky. I just wish my camera could take better photos. I tried my best though.

While I was trying my best, his Royal Highness, King George, ruler of this house was getting stroppy. I'm the worst cat mum on the planet if you believe him. Especially at night. First I have the nerve to feed him his fresh cat mince. Then I shut him in to stop him doing battle with the possum population. I'm not at my best when I deal with corpses first thing in the morning. But I digress.

He's been doing his best to get out at night. Suicide by defenestration will be his cause of death. He's been throwing himself against the doors - and it's a miracle none of the glass on our doors and windows has been broken.

So tonight he tried to get his revenge. He managed to shut my front door, even though it was snibbed. Locked out in the dark, with only my camera and the phone to keep me company. Thank goodness I had the phone because I was talking to Mum.

So I ring the doorbell. My brother sleeps in the room next to the front door. The doorbell is right outside his door. I ring the doorbell again. And again. And again. I try the staccato pushing on the bell. It sounds like it has an unfortunate stutter. Or the hiccups. I yell through his open window "please get up and let me in - George just locked me out". Mum has hysterics on the phone. Nothing. Except the dulcet tones of his snoring.

Right about now, shoes would have been a good thing to be wearing. Mum is still hysterical on the phone. Oooh, the mosquitoes are out too. What a fun night.

Thank goodness. Mum still has a key to our house. 15 minutes later she appears, complete with a note and pinwheel scones for my brother.

I think I need ice cream now.

Committment

"This is getting ridiculous. Will you marry me?"

"What? What on earth did you just say?"

"Now I'm down on one knee, will you marry me?"

"Really? You mean it?"

"I wouldn't ask unless I meant it"

"In that case, yes. Yes, yes, yes"

"I've wanted to ask you all day, but haven't got you alone"

Home again

It feels very strange to be home. Our holiday was wonderful and we have made some brilliant friends. Back to work tomorrow which I'm really not that enthusiastic about.

In other news ....



Yes in Florence. Ring from Singapore. No wedding date set yet.

Bon voyage

I'm off - back in October.

It's nearly time

At 3.30 on Friday afternoon, our flight will take off. I hope.

The boy and I are heading off to Europe for the first time. Our first stop is Ireland, where we will be spending 2 nights in Dublin before heading off on a 3 day tour of the South of Ireland. I'll catch up with one of my friends who lives in Galway while we are there. Then, back to Dublin for one night before heading off to London.

2 nights in London, where we will catch up with my cousins and about 5 friends. Then to Amsterdam where we have 2 nights, and I will catch up with another friend. Then to Berlin, where I will indulge my history walking to my hearts content. And then Prague, where we will catch up with another friend of mine, and 2 days and nights of exploring. And then to Munich, where we managed to be in town for the first day of Oktöberfest - and wasn't the boy happy when I told him that. I can't believe I kept it a secret for 9 months.

Then to Venice for 2 nights, followed by Rome for 2 nights, and then Florence for 2 nights. My sister has given me long shopping lists for Italy, but I think I'd rather soak up the country. And quite probably the coffee. Then we are off to Switzerland for 2 nights, staying up in the Alps. We don't have much snow in Melbourne, and definitely not spectacular mountains, so I'm really looking forward to it. I've spent some time on the website of the hotel we are staying in, and loving the webcams showing the snow. I've packed thermals.

Then to Paris. I don't know where to start in Paris, but I'm really looking forward to it. The Lonely Planet European guidebook is packed, and so is the Paris guidebook. So much to see and do. So much wandering to do.

Then back to London. I suspect I'll be a little tired by now. One more night in London before we start heading home. First stop Singapore. 3 nights to laze by the pool, visit the zoo, have a drink at Raffles and visit Changi. Then home. 2 days, and back to work.

Then I can think about a career change.

Grace

I'm quite ashamed of myself and the way that I'm feeling right now.

I had a pretty ordinary week at work last week - I was either one or two staff down every day, and we've been fighting some pretty tight deadlines. The worst of these deadlines are as part of a project we have taken on as a favour and every single person involved has been calling me every 5 minutes, or emailing me and then calling before the email gets to me. Driving me crazy. Doing it as part of 13 - 14 hour days without breaks on top of my usual job has just been insane.

By the end of the week I was feeling really tired, very sore, and very resentful. I resented that they didn't appreciate we still had full time jobs to do, as well as organising their project. I was so frustrated that the constant calls from multiple people were giving conflicting requests and information. So very over it.

At lunchtime on Friday I got a call from the mail room. There was a package for me and I had to come and collect it. It was a massive bunch of lilies for me, thanking me for all my hard work.

They are just beautiful flowers, but every time I look at them on the mantelpiece, all I can think about is my frustration and resentment towards the people who sent them to me.

I ashamed of my lack of grace. They have made the effort to send me something beautiful to thank me, and all I am doing is resenting it.

1001 books you must read before you die

Thanks to Kelly over at MyUtopia who inspired me to post something.

From this list

Books I have read
The Sea - John Banville
The Corrections - Jonathan Frantzen
White Teeth - Zadie Smith
The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver
Veronika decides to Die - Paulo Coelho
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
Enduring Love - Ian McEwan
Underworld - Don DeLillo
Jack Maggs - Peter Carey
Alias Grace - Margaret Atwood
Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis de Bernieres
The Robber Bride - Margaret Atwood
Smilla's Sense of Snow - Peter Hoeg (or as I read it, Miss Smilla's feeling for Snow)
Wild Swans - Jung Chang
Cat's Eye - Margaret Atwood
Oranges are not the only fruit - Jeanette Winterson
The Handmaids Tale - Margaret Atwood
The House of the Spirits - Isabel Allende
The World According to Garp - John Irving
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - John Le Carre
Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep - Philip K Dick
The Spy who came in from the cold - John Le Carre
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie - Muriel Spark
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
Cider with Rosie - Laurie Lee
Mememto Mori - Muriel Spark
The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
The Talented Mr Ripley - Patricia Highsmith
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Casino Royale - Ian Fleming
The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupery (in both French and English!)
The Outsider - Albert Camus (in both French and English)
The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell
The Nine Tailors - Dorothy L Sayers
Thank you Jeeves - PG Wodehouse
Murder Must Advertise - Dorothy L Sayers
All Quiet on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque
Lady Chatterley's Lover - DH Lawrence
Tarka the Otter - Henry Williamson
The Murder of Roger Ackroyd - Agatha Christie
The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
Women in Love - DH Lawrence
The Thirty Nine Steps - John Buchan
Sons and Lovers - DH Lawrence
The War of the Worlds - HG Wells
Dracula - Bram Stoker
The Picture of Dorian Grey - Oscar Wilde
Kidnapped - Robert Louis Stevenson
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain
Treasure Island - Robert Louis Stevenson
Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
Through the Looking Glass, and what Alice found there - Lewis Carroll
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
Ivanhoe - Sir Walter Scott
Emma - Jane Austen
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe
Aesop's Fables - Aesopus

It was really interesting to go through this list. When I got to Lord of the Flies, I felt myself getting really angry and disgusted, feeling the same way I felt when I read it. It isn't often that a book inspires such loathing in me. I remembered the bleakness of The Handmaids Tale, and my disquiet at The Bell Jar. I found myself with a huge smile on my face when I got to To Kill a Mockingbird - a book I reread at least once a year. I remembered the March family, and my continuing love of them as I read the sequels to Little Women. I can still picture in my mind some of the scenes from The World According to Garp - I read it probably halfway through high school and I was fascinated. Horrified, scandalised, but fascinated. Cider with Rosie was such a gentle read, ideal when I was convalescing from my hip surgery. Murder Must Advertise is one of my favourite Dorothy L Sayers books - it holds a special place in my heart and I revisit it at least once a year. The Nine Tailors was the first of her books that I read, and I remember being fascinated by the all the bell information, as well as completely engrossed in the mystery. Jane Eyre was so dark and gothic, but I wanted to know more. Having reread it recently, I got really frustrated with Jane.

Going through this list has been a lovely trip down memory lane for me. So much of my life has involved books, and they have been conduits to emotions and experiences I haven't had.

Which ones have you read?

Musing

Shall I write today? I don't know what to write. Should I share the secrets that don't appear here? I don't know if I'm ready to expose myself that much. Writing helps, and I feel only half of myself is here. Am I being a fraud? Or am I merely being selective and self protective?

Exhilaration

My notes are on the lectern. I take a step back. "Don't hang on, it looks desperate" prompts the last piece of my conscious mind.

B-i-i-i-i-i-g breath.

"I've never understood why people study their family history."

"Until now"

I look around the room. They are smiling. I can do this.

"My mum just found out ...."

Terror

I can't breathe. My mind is blank.

My heart is racing. I feel it thudding against my chest, trying to escape.

My stomach is churning. I think I'm going to throw up.

I frantically gulp oxygen. I need air.

"The next speaker tonight is .... "

I feel hands push against my back.

"Go on, that's you"

Rollercoaster

Well, it feels like forever and 6 weeks since the last time I posted to the blog. I've been appallingly flat out and slack.

My dad's 60th birthday party was a blast. I had the best time with my cousins. It is so good to have that connection - and scary to see how much genes will out. He was really happy with the music that I put together for him - really enjoyed it. We got a thank you letter from him in the mail on Friday - it really hurt that he signed it Regards. I feel sad that he can't admit to loving us.

My first week of the public speaking course went really well. I've never felt so comfortable standing up in front of complete strangers and speaking. I'm really looking forward to next week.

I'm so worried about my brother. He's had problems with alcohol for a long time, but it seems to be getting worse. I discovered yesterday that wines I've had cellared have gone missing. I'm devastated that he has broken my trust like this, and so worried and frustrated. He is the only one who can change his life. I can't do it for him, but it is breaking my heart to watch him throw his life away on the way to rock bottom.

I've been given a promotion at work. I'm really excited about it, as it gives me the development opportunities I've needed, as well as some challenges to keep my brain happy. That, and getting the chance to learn how to be a good manager.

We've had a pretty big scare with my stepfather's health lately. About 10 days ago I was having dinner with 2 of my best friends when my very drunk and slurry brother called me to tell me that our stepfather was being rushed to hospital with chest pains. Who knew I could get across town in 20 minutes legally. He was admitted into the cardio ward and was going to undergo a lot of tests the next day. I think my highlight was seeing my stepbrother threaten to have him declared mentally incompetent if he kept refusing the angiogram. Luckily he passed the angiogram with flying colours, so now he is running a gamut of other health tests to see what could have caused it. I'm not ready to lose someone I love. That 36 hours scared me. Badly. I've been telling lots of people I love them lately.

Angry eyes

My skin crawls. I can feel someone watching me. I look up and around, wanting to find out who and why. Dark, glittering eyes, almost black, are staring at me with an intensity I cannot fathom. I smile tentatively, hoping to break the glare. It doesn't work. The glare intensifies. She pushes past me, muttering.


**This actually happened at work today and really freaked me out. I'm still bemused by it. **

New Tricks

I signed up for a public speaking course today. I'm tired of being scared of standing up and talking to people. I'm actually really looking forward to it now.

First night, June 4.

Lovely day

I didn't have to go the office today. Instead I spent today doing an intermediate Excel course. I had so much fun. Lots of what we covered I knew bits of, but I learnt so many useful shortcuts and finally understand some of the formulae that have been terrifying me for years. My not so inner geek had a wonderful time. The trainer even said to me at one point in front of the whole group "you are really enjoying this aren't you". Well yes. Loved it.

On the way home I stopped off at the gym and had a fantastic hour and a bit mixing up cardio and weights. I'm not sure if I've blogged about the gym, but I've been going most of this year and loving it. It really is the best destresser and high that I have. Not quite sure why I didn't do it sooner.

When I got home I had 2 letters, and neither of them had windows. Blessed relief! I got my new book from Amazon - The Fug Awards from those funny snarky Fug Girls. Best of all though, I had a letter confirming that my sponsor child in Burma is in the area which was not affected, and to the best of their knowledge is OK. I really hope so.

Don't drink and dream

I went out for dinner last night. I had 2 glasses of white and 1 of red. Bad move.

I dreamt I was walking down a dirt track between 2 big muddy lakes with a friend from 15 years ago, talking about how our friendship had lapsed and changed. As we were walking, the track had ripples going through it. People were dropping from one lake to the other through the track, walruses were undulating through the track, and we had paused to look at one of the swimmers when a massive, mud coloured croocodile came up through the path and lunged for me. I managed to fend it off with my foot, but it kept coming back. The worst of it was that it was recurring - I had to keep getting up to go to the toilet, and whenever I went back to bed, the crocodile headed for my foot again. Weird. I've never dreamt of crocodiles or walruses before.

Celebrations

It is a big year for celebrations in my family this year. Both my parents are turning 60, my stepfather is turning 65, my younger sister is turning 25, my youngest sister turned 5 and I'm turning 35 (eeek!!)

The next event is Dad's 60th birthday later this month. To celebrate he is holding an open house followed by a family dinner. I'm actually really looking forward to it now. Lots of our family are travelling interstate and intrastate, and I haven't seen some of them since my grandfather's 80th 4 years ago. Even the ones I last saw in September are cause for celebration.

In the last year or so I've felt that my life is coming full circle in a lot of ways. I seem to have been picking up connections from my past that I've dropped. I think I've been more at peace with myself, and more comfortable facing my fears, and knowing that I'm living up to my expectations, not anyone else's. I'm really looking forward to Dad's birthday party - both my parents will be there, many of their friends from my childhood and so much of my extended family.

Dad called me tonight. He wants me to arrange the music for his birthday. I'm really excited to do it. It is something that I can do which will contribute to the mood of the day, but is so very personal. He has asked for music of the 60's and 70's. It will be the soundtrack of his life, but in so many ways the soundtrack to my childhood too. My mind is whirring with the possibilities.

Calm

I had a very interesting drive to work yesterday morning after my night of bizarre dreams and futile coin tossing. Tossing coins and then responding with best of three, no, best of five, is not the way to make important decisions.

So, my trip to work too about 40 minutes longer than usual. Taxi drivers were protesting at a major intersection and the flow on effect hit all inbound roads. Sitting in traffic, listening to the radio, I found myself thinking that it would be really good if I had a Blackberry, cos that way I could get ahead of my work day.

Big red stop sign.

I don't want to have a Blackberry. I don't want to have a work laptop to use at home. I want my friends and family to be able to spend time with me. I don't want to end up feeling the way I did by the end of my last job. Those of you who have been around for a while probably remember that. A month after leaving there my mum told me that I was nice again. I don't want to go back to being that person.

I made a lot of people very happy yesterday. Most importantly, I made myself happy. My relationships are more important to me than work. I think I've finally learnt it. I know that I have workaholic tendencies - and I've been trying to shed them for a while. I don't need to have a 6 figure salary. I can support myself, put a little away for a rainy day, regularly support my charities of choice. Money is nice (ok, very nice), but the people in my life are more important.

Oh, and the little piece of professional satisfaction? Within five minutes of leaving my bosses office telling her that I would be staying I'd received a call from the CEO telling me how very happy he was that I was staying and promising to support further development and salary increases, 3 emails from different HR people, and a massive hug from the Sales Manager who was over the moon. I'm feeling very valued and appreciated.

Not very helpful

My subconscious mind is sacked. All it could give me last night was that the guy I used to work with who is now at the new company was going to ask me to marry him, and George W Bush is going to do an ad for a new small Nissan using the song Flathead by The Fratellis.

Not very helpful at all. Confused? Yes.

Introduction

Rock, meet hard place. I'm sorry I'm between you keeping you separated.

So, my work has been coming back with counter offers. Mainly around development rather than money at this stage. They are more interested in getting the development right for me, and ensuring that I'm happy and challenged and then working on the money. I must admit that I do like that approach. They have also asked me for a list of everything that I want in terms of remuneration so that we can work through it. They have also been flying senior management down from Sydney to talk to me about staying.

Today I had coffee with the MD of the company that really wants me. I put all my cards on the table. I told him that I needed to work through the options that I am being presented at my current employer so that I can walk away without any regrets. I need it to be right for me so I don't turn around in three months and say "I wish ... " So I got an email from him this evening. They have increased their salary offer by $10k per year, added in a laptop, CBD carpark and home high speed internet access. No fries though. My brother suggested that I get a playstation for him as well.

By this time tomorrow night the decision will be made. I suspect I will come down to the coin flip. Heads I stay, tails I go. My reaction when I see the coin will tell me everything I need to know.

Lest we forget

Shadowy figures walk through the dawn's half light. Shapes without distinctive features. Medals jingle in the silence. The scent of rosemary hangs in the air. Clouds of breath form as murmurs travel through the stillness. A hush falls. Small white paper crosses dot the grass. From above, the lone piper starts playing.

Lest we forget.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning we will remember them

We have a long weekend this weekend. Anzac Day is one of my favourite public holidays. I think it is because it is a day honouring people.

Friday morning I'll be going to a local Dawn Service - with my Dad, my boy, my brother and sister in law, my sister and hopefully my other brother. I think the Dawn Service is a lovely way to commemorate the day. We stand in the morning cold, surrounded by the mist. The only colour is the frost or dew on the grass and the flame. The hushed reverence of murmured voices, the poignance of the Last Post.

The saga continues

So, I got to have my chat with the State Director today. It was really positive with her listening to what I had to say. It was good to have hear repeat everything back to make sure she was clear. Apparently I can expect a formal counter offer tomorrow. I also get to have a chat with the Victorian Sales Director tomorrow - he has some insight that he wants to share with me. He also wants to buy me coffee, and that buys a whole lotta listening. If he pouts or pulls puppy dog eyes on me again though, I'm outta there. Then I get to have a conference call with Sydney and 2 more managers there. That should be fun. Apparently HR want to have a chat with me too. Who knew it took this many people to try to keep me. I'm waiting for the partridge in the pear tree to be pulled out. That or the kitchen sink. Just one day of the process at a time. My official resignation date still sits as yesterday.

Jelly, no such thing as unsolicited advice - especially when I'm blogging it. I really appreciate everyones comments on this. It really does help to see things from a different perspective.

Take this job ...

I resigned today. It didn't go so well. My boss refused to accept my resignation, told me that me leaving was unthinkable and asked me what she needs to do to keep me. I talked her through my pro and con spreadsheet, and we are having a meeting again tomorrow to go through it. She is planning a counter offer.

It is important to me that we go through this process all the way - I want to leave on good terms, and the negotiation process is important. I can learn more too. If nothing else, the next person in my job will benefit. Look at me, all community minded. The part I'm most proud of is that the discussions aren't around money. Everything we have said is related to development, career progression and learning.

I don't think I've ever heard the word unthinkable so many times in 15 minutes. I felt like I'd kicked a puppy.

Guilt, isn't it fun.

Tomorrow is another day. Scarlett O'Hara I'm not.

List this

I took this from evalinn

I am: loving the cooler weather, with the leaves turning
I am not: loving cold feet in the middle of the night and the morning
I like: people
I don't like: people
I want: the cat to stop eying off my pumpkin, chili and sour cream soup.
I don't want: to stop learning and growing
I have: a lot of people who love me
I don't have: enough self belief
I know: that I am not perfect
I don't know: everything

I've just reread this - I sound like a reality TV contestant - eek!

If it's Sunday, I must have a dilemma

I've been offered a job. A very good job. A job that would give me a lot of very nice benefits as well as good mental challenges. Being the uber geek that I am, I've spent a lot of time with a spreadsheet listing the pros and cons of each company. I'm pretty confident that I've made my decision, but thought it wouldn't hurt to list them here too.

Company A
Pros
The team
A lot to learn from Sales Director and Group Sales Manager
Leave for September/October already approved
Close to public transport
Able to be flexible when necessary for appointments

Cons
Hate the way that I am feeling at work - seem to be constantly angry, frustrated, bitchy and cynical
Don't feel like I'm doing my job - always seem to be supporting systems, not doing what I'm paid for.
To grow in my career with the company means moving to Sydney
Very little support from Sydney - I have had a new manager in Sydney since the beginning of January and still have yet to meet him.

Company B
Pros
New challenges
Mentored into a management role by August
The team
Going back to more of a start up feel - have more input into systems and processes
Working with a legend in my industry (who I really like as a person)
My September/October leave will be honoured (and paid)
Close to public transport
Career Development without moving to Sydney
International support to deal with work when needed without staying back
Additional resources
Team has international experience - a lot of different things to learn

Cons
Have to establish myself in a new company
What if I suck as a manager?
How much extra will I be expected to do with a crackberry, or is it just for emergencies within specific times?
Not sure just how much flexibility I will have - a crackberry should do it though

So, what do you think? I haven't listed any salary or benefit options - I'm reasonably confident that my current employer will do anything they can salary wise to keep me, so I'm not factoring that in at all.

Going nowhere

Legs pumping up and down in time with the beat. I can feel the power in my legs. The song changes, and my legs move faster. It's one of my favourites and I sing along silently. No one around me needs to hear singing. My legs keep working. Beep. Time to get off the bike.

I'm back

Well, that was a lovely unplanned blogholiday. Thanks to my ISP for their outstanding incompetent boobery. I think I might need a new phrase, but that one sums them up way too well.

So while I was away, what's been happening? I learnt that I don't control everything around me. Pretty scary. I like controlling everything around me, but I've learnt I can't.

Know what else - I like me. I'm not sure where it has come from, but all of a sudden, I like who I am. I don't know if I've ever been able to say that before in my 30 odd years, but I can, and I mean it. I've noticed that I've changed the way that I walk, and I'm not waiting for anyone else anymore. I can take on the world, and if I need to, I can win. I'm not alone if I need help either.

I can honestly say that I'm happy. And I like it.

Darkness

Standing on top of the hill, watching the city lights twinkle below.

One by one, the lights start to disappear. Giant patches of dark spread out below me.

The lone patches of light are dwarfed by the darkness, and only emphasise the nothingness.

Shadows appear around me. Voices are hushed, awed by the velvet night.


**It's been ages, and it's a day late, but I got there.**

Secrets

More of my grandfathers life is coming to light.

Apparently his first wife divorced him when my mother was 10. We don't know if my grandmother knew that she was married to a bigamist. All my mother knows is that her mother had a big 50th birthday party that year.

So many secrets that have been buried with his death more than 30 years ago.

I'm fascinated, yet saddened by it.

Relief

He came home.

I was locking up the house last night and turning off lights when I heard a strange noise at the front door. I opened it to have a look and there is was.

Very skinny, very dirty and with a very rusty sounding meow. When I patted him, I could feel his spine through his fur, and all his body fat has gone. The poor thing was starving.

He has eaten several meals and has been OK, but we are going to the vet tomorrow to have him checked out. He is due for his vaccination too so I'll have that done at the same time.

My brother was the funniest. I knocked on his door for about 20 minutes last night, and all I got out of him was that yeah, yeah, George is home, but I'm asleep. I'm so glad I got to see his face this morning when he saw George for the first time - he was so happy.

I'm so relieved. I really missed him. He is lying across my chest and stomach as I type this.

Missing

I got my cat's registration papers in the mail today. Normally that would be a non event, except tonight is the seventh night in a row he hasn't come home.

I miss him terribly. I miss the 15 minutes before my alarm goes off spent cuddling with him. I miss him sitting on my chest when I'm using my laptop, headbutting my chin and purring. I miss him sitting on my feet when I'm watching TV. I miss him ignoring me whenever he sees my boyfriend. I miss him headbutting his food box when I'm trying to feed him. I miss him following me when I go for a walk. I miss watching him sitting on the fence when I get home, waiting for me to open the door. I miss him jumping into my car when I get home and open the door, walking around having a good sniff to see where I've been. I miss the look on his face when it is hot and I rub him down with an ice cube. I miss hearing his purr.

I hate not knowing where he is. I really need to know if he is alive or dead. Whenever I drive, I'm scanning the side of the road looking for him. On the way to work on Tuesday I had to pull over because I saw a bundle of fur squashed onto the road. It wasn't him, but I still lost it for a little while.

I keep thinking I can hear his bell, and I get out of bed and walk around looking for him, or I mute the TV to listen more carefully. I keep hearing bells.

I just want my kitten back.

FFF Challenge

Light bouncing through the colours, sending coloured fragments onto the windows and around the shop. The colour moves and changes as the light hits it. Red and green, orange and silver, purple and gold, blue and yellow. Everywhere there is glittering jewellery; on the window shelves, on the hanging racks and in the display cases.

From the inside

I wonder if those 2 women are ever going to come in? They are here every day at lunchtime, drinking their juices, pointing at our jewellery. I wonder if they are ever serious, they are always laughing. Maybe I should go out and ask them if they are interested in looking at something more closely.

From the outside

"Everything is so shiny. Oooh, look at that one".

"It's pretty, but if I wore that my earlobes would reach my shoulders. Check out that one". "Oh pretty. My amber is better though".

"I want that one - it would be perfect with my black dress". "No, diamonds would be better".

"Better go back to work"

Authors note: I've been wanting to do a multipart 55 for a while, and my lunchtime window shopping was the best inspiration I had. I wanted to do a descriptive piece, a monologue and a dialogue. Hopefully it worked.

Snippets

My modem no longer has a drinking problem. It has had a feed of bacon, eggs and hash browns and been to rehab. I'm so pleased. Dial up isn't my friend, unless I"m really desperate.

While I've been away ...

Random men have been adding me as friends on Facebook. I guess it is one way for guys to meet women. On one hand, my ego loves the attention, but on the other hand, I think it is pretty creepy that they are trawling their friends profiles looking for women. I'm keeping my profile very limited, so only my friends can see the contents. And every friend I have I've met in person.

My family just got bigger. All of a sudden my mum is the youngest of 6 instead of the youngest of 3. My grandfather was a conman, with a taste for serial monogamy. His children have now identified 4 different names he used. Mum is very excited. I've lost count of all the excited phone calls and conversations with her. And the emails. My goodness. She is repeating herself a lot in her excitement. My stepfather is excited - he thinks he is going to see what mum will look like in 10 years.

Nothing new on the work front. They want me, but they can't afford me for a few more months. I don't know if I will go then - it will all depend. I might be happy again. Things may not feel as right as they did. They have poached my favourite sales guy though, and he is another good reason to go there.

My boyfriend's work hours have changed. They suck. He is now on the afternoon/evening shift. It is not relationship friendly. On the plus side, I get to have dinner with him on Sunday nights. On the minus side, I'm already noticing that the time we get to talk during the day is reduced. We are going to need to find a way to keep our communication up, because I'm noticing a difference and I don't like it. Any suggestions?

I'm madly working on the questions for the annual fund raiser for my parents church. This will either be the 4th or 5th year that we have done it, and it is really popular. I love doing the trivia nights, and have way too much fun trying to come up with evil questions.

Helpful hint

Beer and modem's don't mix.

If I'm not online for a while, it is because I don't love dial up.

Fingers crossed I get it sorted soon.

Commute

Crammed together, hanging onto straps for dear life. I hear the muffled beat through headphones around me. Someone sweats and their deodorant doesn't work. Someone else has had a few too many drinks. Snatches of conversation surround me. Some are between real people. We've reached a station. Commuters flow out the door. I can breathe.

Uncomfortable

I had a very disquieting experience when I got home tonight. I had been to the supermarket, reversed into the driveway and popped the boot of the car. I talked to my brother through the back window about the shopping, opened the door and had a door to door salesman appear out of nowhere as I got out of the car. He stood there just watching me with his clipboard held up against his chest.

He told me that he was there as a representative of the energy distributor, and that they had received complaints about my current energy supplier charging more than the agreed amount. He then told me my full name, how long I had been with my current energy supplier and who they were. He then told me the rates that I should be paying, and that anything else was too much.

I told him that I wasn't interested, and asked him to leave, but he refused and kept talking. He put his clipboard down and started writing on it. I saw that his shirt said the name of another company. I asked him about it and he said he worked from the company written on his shirt, and he was there at the request of my energy supplier. I asked to see some identification and he said he didn't have any. I knew the name of the company on his shirt - I've had multiple telemarketing calls from them in the past. I've disproved some of the stuff they've told me then too.

I asked him to wait where he was so I could take my shopping inside - some of it was frozen/cold and it was still 32 degrees out (celsius). I hadn't even got past the front hall before he was at the front door wanting me to change electricity company. I dumped the shopping, checked the electricity bill - I just paid it so it was still sitting waiting for me to file it, told him the numbers he was giving me were irrelevant and to go away. He kept talking, and I asked him to leave or I would call the police. He didn't move.

I was really scared, and didn't know if my brother was home as his car wasn't in the driveway or out the front of the house. I've never been so pleased to see a looming 6 foot man in my life. I was less pleased when he told the man to go away, and then said that this is the third time I've had to say it.

I don't like complete strangers knowing that much detail about me, and I certainly don't want to have them staking out my house waiting for my return.

Tomorrow's to do list - call the energy distributor and the energy supplier. Not happy Jan.

Anticipation

Handwritten envelope, no return address. Looking for hints. Can't read the postmark. Don't know the writing. A common stamp, I have dozens. I hold the thin envelope to the light. White paper. I can't read it. I rip the envelope and unfold the paper. "You have been selected ..." Pfft. I throw it away in disgust.

** I had no idea what I was going to write this week. This was inspired by a random envelope I just spotted on the coffee table. **

Sorry

Finally!!

No news is ... no news

I haven't heard anything about the job since Tuesday last week. I got a call on Monday asking for referees to do a reference check and then they would be making an offer. I emailed their contact details through on Tuesday morning and I haven't heard a word since from the headhunter. I've heard from a couple of the other guys who work in the headhunters office, just checking in to see how I'm going, but not from the main recruity guy. It seems quite odd that they chased me, but now nothing. The 2 guys who called me are friends of my brother, and promised him that they would look after me.

The longer it takes, the more ambivalent about it I am.

I haven't cared a huge amount about it over the last few days, as I've been in a lot of pain. With the surgery I had last month, apparently I've overdone it in the last few days and damaged some of the weak muscles in my stomach. I'm back to square one with what I can do until it heals properly. Who really wants clean clothes or a clean house? I got quite a stern telling off from my surgeons office yesterday when I called to check and see if there was anything else I should do following the GP's diagnosis. All I've done for the last 2 days is sit in a chair or lie on my bed. Bored! I'm so going back to work tomorrow before I go nuts. I don't think I'm quite ready to drive yet though.

Our holiday is getting closer and closer though - on Saturday we went and paid for everything outstanding except our hotels in Dublin and Singapore. Less than 7 months til we go now.

Temptation

It sits innocently on the table before me, attracting my attention, distracting me from conversation. I can smell it. I want it so badly. Finally I succumb. Slice with the knife. I have the tiniest morsel and the flavour explodes in my mouth. I take another bite, crunching through the cracker into the blue cheese.

It could all end in tears ...

Well today was a complete piece of poo at work. I walked in and copped a barrage of flak from a salesperson and the day went downhill from there. It was one of those frustrating days where I couldn't spend more than 2 minutes focusing on something without someone appearing at my desk with a question or a demand. Then 2 minutes later they'd be back wanting to know why I hadn't finished the thing they'd asked for 10 minutes ago. Aaargh.

I got so frustrated that when I got asked something this afternoon I pulled one of the managers into a meeting room and burst into tears at him. I told him that I was ready to walk out and not come back. It actually turned into an impromptu meeting where he took 3 pages of notes and we started brainstorming solutions. What started with me being really frustrated with my day and even more frustrated with bursting into tears ended up being really constructive. I think a few bottoms are going to be kicked.

He said that he doesn't want to lose me, and will do pretty much anything to ensure that I stay and I'm happy. I told him that I was hearing from headhunters and that some of the options were very tempting, offering me the chance to spend more time on what I enjoy and less time putting out fires and babysitting adults.

Meanwhile, in the headhunting world, they are checking my references. I've got no idea why they specifically requested me, and now are checking my references. I'm bewildered and still no closer to a decision.

I suspect I'm having some post anaesthetic blues too. I'm sure that doesn't help.

Hmmmm ...

I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm bored and I'm not very happy. I haven't managed to show up for work on time yet and I'm watching the clock to see if it is time to get out of there yet. That isn't good. It is bad for me, and it is very bad for my employer. I know when I'm around other people like that, it becomes infectious. I walked through the door yesterday morning, and just got so depressed.

I got to work, and immediately had to start putting out fires. I can do it, but there is no challenge. I'm frustrated because these problems arose just after I went on leave, and they've left them for me to fix. When all it takes is one phone call and the problem is fixed, I don't understand why it couldn't be done in my absence. I'm even more frustrated because I was called at home about it, and I told them who to call. Grrrr!

I have 2 choices, I can stay where I am now and know that I will be busy, but my mind won't be challenged. I've learnt all that I can in my current role, and any advancement in this area within the company means I need to move to Sydney. There isn't enough money in the world to make me move to Sydney - I don't want to live there, and the distance from my family, friends and support network isn't worth it. Or, I can keep investigating this head hunter option. They are really keen. Everyone there I have met I do like, and they are talking about options for me in the future. They are building a succession plan and they want me in it. I have been asked to meet with someone else from the company tomorrow to talk further about it. I'm interested. Even if this company doesn't pan out, I think it is time for me to look at other options.

Onwards and upwards. I don't have to do this for the rest of my life. Nothing is keeping me in one path forever.

Sunday Morning

Drowsing, vaguely aware that the world is moving on without me. I feel the weight of the covers on me but they are comfortable, neither too heavy nor too light. I open my eyes, but there is no reason to keep them that way. I slip back into unconsciousness. I'll get out of bed later.

Ruminating

Well I've got even less of a clue than I did the other day. I met with the MD of the new company today, and he wants me to meet with the joint MD next week and then talk to the international director of the team I would be working in some time soon - a phone hook up as he is kicking around Germany at the moment. Apparently I impressed the MD by asking the question that no one ever asks. I just wanted to know how he thought as a person, it wasn't to impress him.

I like the sound of the job, I like the sound of the challenges I would have and I like the sound of the people I would be working with. I don't want to miss out on new challenges because I'm hesitant. I don't want to waste their time.

I like the people I work with now. I could end up with a lot of new challenges in my current role. I don't want to get a reputation as someone who flits jobs often - I've only been there 14 months.

I have absolutely no idea what is right for me at the moment. No one can answer that but me, and right now, I don't know the answers. Sometimes I'm not sure what the question is either.

Guilt

Aren't the flowers absolutely gorgeous? They were delivered to me this evening from my lovely colleagues, with the message "Hope you're feeling better! We all miss you and can't wait to have you back! Things are definitely less interesting without you! Love from all your peeps"

While I've been recuperating, I've been fielding a lot of calls from headhunters. I think I might suggest to my boss that putting mobile numbers on our business cards makes it very easy for headhunters to find us. One company has been really persistent. They sent me through the position description for the company that asked for me by name (yes, ego is very happy!) and I'm seriously tempted. I met with the person who would be my boss today. She is a legend in our industry and I didn't want to pass that chance up.

The job that they want me for is a step up from my current role, but keeps most of my favourite parts. The salary package is an improvement, and has some pretty good benefits I don't currently have. I'm tempted. Very tempted. This would do wonders for my career. I'd be challenged too, and could learn a lot more.

I don't know though. Am I running away from where I work now without fully resolving my work life balance issues? Will a new job help me change things? Is this the right time in my life to make this change? Do I want to deal with new work challenges now or do I want to really focus on getting myself healthy and balanced? Can I get these opportunities where I am now? Am I going to be putting work ahead of myself again? But I'm starting to get bored at work too. I could almost phone it in some days.

I'm torn. I know I can have the job if I want it. I just don't know if I want it or not.

Dusk

Bobbing amidst the incoming tide, trying to cool down after another scorcher, watching the horizon cloud over.

Fingers of light curl over the cloud, trying to snatch at the final fragments of the dying day. The pink horizon gradually fades to a soft purple, and then to the muted blue of night.

Day is done.

Home again

I've made it home again. I feel as if I've been living in another land, where time travels slowly but the outside world continues at normal pace. I don't really believe it is only Wednesday.

My surgery went well, even though I made my best effort to sabotage it. My arms are covered with various holes and bruises from my various drips, with the bruising made worse by me pulling things out in surgery and recovery. I plead unconsciousness as an excuse.

The night of my surgery I was kept in Intensive Care. I felt like such a fraud. My body was sore and my blood pressure was a bit low, but I was coherent and capable of walking and taking care of my basic needs.

It is a strange feeling being the healthiest person on a ward of very sick people. At night, I could hear every conversation that the staff had, including the Nurse Unit Manager arranging a funeral home to pick up someone who had died that day, the hospital gossip without which no hospital is complete, the soothing of fractious patients, and the beeping of the myriad machines.

I'm glad to be home. I'm gladder still that I'm not going back to work until the 29th and that I'm going to give my body the time it needs to recover. I'm gladdest about all the messages that I received - from you guys, my colleagues, my friends and most importantly my family - all wishing me the best recovery possible. Thank you.

Offline

I'm going to be offline for the next few days. I'm heading into hospital this morning for a procedure that should enormously improve my quality of life. Of course, the downside is that I won't have internet access :) Oh poor me.

Take care of yourselves, and I'll catch up with you all when I'm home.

Vicious Circle

"Hic" my whole body shakes. That was loud.

"Hic" another one, even louder.

"Hic"

The giggling starts at the desk next to me and "Hic" works its way around the room until everyone is laughing.

"It's not 'Hic' funny" I say trying not to laugh but failing.

"Hic" louder through my giggles.

The cycle continues.

Random

I started using one of my Christmas presents the other day. Orange and poppyseed soap. It smells lovely, and feels gorgeous to use, but there is just one drawback.

The soap is square. And I mean square. With sharp pointy corners. I hate soap with sharp pointy corners. I'm tempted to get a razor blade and cut curves into this soap so that I'm not constantly stabbing myself with square soap.

Am I the only one who feels like this?

Pet Meme

I read Janie's Doggie Meme and found myself inpsired.

What is an amusing anecdote about a pet friend in your life (past or present)?

We got Mzuzi from the RSPCA. She was one of a litter of 8 Ridgeback/German Shepherd cross pups that had been dumped in a sack by the side of the road. She had the shepherd colouring and the ridge on her back, but must have been the runt of the litter because she never got taller than my mid thigh. We took her for a walk one day, and one of the houses that we needed to pass had 2 concrete lions on either side of the front gate. We got to the lions and she went backwards so fast we didn't know what hit us. She stopped about a metre back, dropped and growled at these lions. Cajoling her to move forward didn't work, and going up to pat the lions caused her to jump around barking until we backed away from them. We could not get her to move past the lions, so we had to cross the road to get her past them. She growled the whole length of the property. Once we got past there she was fine and kept walking happily. About 6 months later we were going to the beach with her in the car, and we were stopped at the traffic lights in front of that house when we heard growling from the back seat, with her nose pressed out the window in the direction of the lions.

What is a gift a pet gave to you when you really needed it?

Mzuzi again. I was in floods of tears after a particularly bad fight with my boyfriend at the time, and she pushed her way into my room and just sat as close as she physically could to me, licking my tears. It is very hard to cry when you are laughing so hard at the dog. I miss her so much.

On a lighter note, my kleptomaniac George has brought me a cap in the middle of summer, a pink baby's blanket, a golf score sheet and way too many other pieces of useless tat.

Share a picture of one or more of your pets - extra points for amusing photos.

His Royal Highness King George


"What? I was hungry, and this guy just dropped in"

Relaxation

Lying naked, face down, waiting.

Anticipating.

Listening to the sounds outside the room, waiting for the knock on the door.

"Are you ready for me?"

"Yes, come on in"

Gentle hands cover me with a towel.

A bottle opens, and liquid pours. One hand on my back, then two. Kneading, smoothing, working on knots.

Aaaaaah.

Happy New Year!

I thought that I would have a look and see how people found my blog last year. Random factoids entertain me, but some of these really entertain me.

16 searchers have found me using the term "random questions"
5 searchers have found me using the term "thisisme". I suspect that some of those may have been me having a mental blank for the URL of my blog
4 searchers have found me with "fridge magnets are bastards"
4 also found me with "perception of swearing", "why do you build me up buttercup" and "anthony morgan - east melbourne"

My favourites though, are the many that pepper the 1 searcher numbers - all the variations on the words to "build me up buttercup", the variations on the lyrics to "Do they know its Christmas" and the variations on the "snakes, why did it have to be snakes" quote. I'm glad to see so many people seem to hate Hewlett Packard as much as I did. I don't love them now, but I'm not that keen on holding the grudge.

I can't answer many of the questions that the search terms raise. If you have any suggestions for answers, I'm sure it will help the next random enquiry.

"Define Sooliamon". I wish. If Neil Diamond ever reads this, I'd love for him to answer that.
"letter to taxi companies about stuff left on the taxi". Try your local taxi company or directorate
"What animal does salami come from?". I don't know, and nor do I know why so many people come here looking for the answer
"can't find any key" - oops, sounds like a Homer Simpson moment, although, technically, this happened twice - only one person used the apostrophe though
"what is love chipmunk" - I don't think I'm rated to answer that one
"small round supple boobs" - ditto
"snakes with coffee" - I know I have random dreams - I didn't know other people searched for them
"excellent rhys muldoon" - well, der!
"what is october" - oooh, pick me, I know the answer to that one! It is the month between September and November
"this is random" - yes, yes it is
"cliff richard stepfather" - I'm not sure - is he one, or has he one?
"jingle bells batman smells robin flew away lyrics" - I love that there is a mind sufficiently twisted to search for this.

Can anyone help these tortured souls?